Celebrity Week Round-up: The one where I give the Internet a stern talking to

Another Friday is upon us! It's a good Friday for two reasons:

1. It's actually Good Friday.
2. I'm took a Paid Time Off day slash mental health day slash if I have to fix another broken link on the website at work, someone will have to lock me up day.

In fact, while you're reading this, I might either be still sleeping (not likely if you're reading this after about 8 am), lounging on the couch or dipping my baby's toes in the Atlantic Ocean for the VERY FIRST TIME. How's that for a Friday?

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Speaking of Friday, remember Rebecca Black? Of course you do. If you could hear that atrocious song and get away with it NOT burnt permanently into your brain, you're a stronger person than I. She's only been trending on Twitter for, like, 14 years. Although her only achievement thus far are being famous for singing a crappy song that went viral, she's not under police protection after recieving death threats.

Ok. What? I don't condone death threats. At all. I'm what you'd call anti-death threat. So, what special kind of cray-cray (I'm going to keep using this phrase until it's a thing) wastes their time threatening a girl who probably has nothing and has done nothing. I threw together this handy-dandy death-threat flow chart to demonstrate my point:

Try to get that song out of your head now. And.....Tangent time! 

I had a conversation not long ago with Jenn on Twitter about viral videos and other Internet fueled ridiculousness. Using Friday as an example: you have the early adopters who originally found this video and sent it to their other early adopter friends. Then a few other people pick it up. Then you have the early majority (like your best friend who didn't check her email all week) and the late majority (like when your Mom says, "say, have you seen this funny video? ahahahaha, so cute!") 

It's the diffusion of innovation theory, sort of.

Except on the internet, it goes to another level. Suddenly something that was a huge joke, (Friday, Charlie Sheen, as two examples) is now mainstream. I saw somewhere that Rebecca Black's song was sampled in a real artists' song? I mean ridiculous.

That's when I get simultaneously embarrassed to be a part of the Internet and mad at every single person who mashed the "Share link" button on YouTube. I'm mad at Yahoo for picking it up, or Good Morning America for doing an interview with her. I just want to hit the Internet on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and say "BAD INTERNET!" I want to rub it's nose in the crap it produced and tell the Internet sternly, "Don't you dare do that again!" 

But it always does.

Wait, there's more!

LeeAnn "homewrecker" Rimes decided the double standard in country music is to blame with her breaking up two marriages (hers and Cibian's).

 "[Country music] has such a double standard. You know, Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash and all these guys. God knows what they did back in the day? And if a woman did it, you never were accepted or forgiven. But if it was a guy, it was just their life… It's quite interesting to have to navigate those waters as a woman in this business."

Yeah. I'm sure that's it.

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Finally, are reality stars ever going to stop getting rich just by being awful people on TV? Bethenny Frankel used reality TV to spawn a $120 million media empire, so until that stops happening? The answer is no.

Enjoy your weekends, folks!

Celebrity Weekly Round-up: Shut up about MTV shows already

Finally Friday, people! Although my weekend will be spent knee deep in a torn up house, as we discovered a water leak last night and will have to have our wall or floor torn up (yay, homeownership!), I'm still excited for the weekend for lots of reasons.

Extra baby cuddles.

"Sleeping in".

Messing around on the Internet without IS breathing down my back.

Watching MTV shows I've recorded.

That's why I can't shut up about Teen Mom 2. I know, I know. We've talked about it before. But I'm starting off this Weekend Round-Up with my first little bit of gossip from Teen Mom 2. I have a mild fascination with Leah and Corey, parents of twins and newlyweds from my home state of West Virginia. Their outdoor, cammo themed wedding was filmed for the season finale.

Is there trouble in paradise!? OK Magazine reported the couple filed for divorced this week. They seemed relatively normal and well-adjusted throughout the series and even at the "reunion" show, but they are 19-years-old.

Speaking of MTV shows, I'm sort of addicted, you guys. I started watching My Life as Liz and am inexplicably obsessed. Is it a reality show? Is it a scripted drama? No, it's a bizarre, hybrid love child of the two. It doesn't even PRETEND to be a scripted drama, a la The Hills, but clearly it is. The cast is comprised of either really bad actors or actors who are really good at reality TV. Like happening upon a really bad car wreck, I can't look away.

The show stars this girl who is trying to be all hipster and alternative. Are people still called "alternative"? She is rebelling against the typical blonde Barbie girls of her small Texas town, so she wears funny t-shirts and skinny jeans and dyed her hair red and hangs out with nerdy guys.

I got hooked during maternity leave when my Mom and Dad were visiting. I watched a marathon and at one point I realized Dad was watching too when he asked who one of the characters was. "He's Bryson. I think she is dating him? Or wants to? And I think he's dating somebody else? And I thinks he's shy?" You know you've got a doozy on your hands when questions are answered with more questions.

The other night we were watching Fantasty Factory and after it was over some other random show called RJ Burger or some nonsense came on. Hubby said, "Oh, I'll record this, looks like something that you would like." And I was all, "Pshaw! NO! I'm not 17, thankyouverymuch."  Fifeteen minutes later I was hooked.

Wait, I'm off track. More celebrity news y'all don't care about.

Taylor Swift bought her Mom and Dad a $1.4 million home.

Dear my Mom and Dad: Sorry I'm not T-Swift.

Dear Baby Blogworthy: Please remember this when you're older.

Dear Hutch: Please skip over this one because we all know how you feel about T-Swift.

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Who watches Dancing with the Stars, raise your hands? I personally watch it for Maks, that sweet hunk of Eastern European man meat. This year he's dancing with Kirstie Alley and they have had some little spills, like a few weeks ago when he just fell down, then this week when she lost her shoe.

It makes little sense that Kirstie Alley is still in the competition after so many flubs, until you realize she's a phoenix and will continuously raise from the ashes of her destroyed career until it's just her and Betty White. Believe me, it'll happen. 

But Betty White will always win.

Have a happy weekend, all!

Anything I missed? Comment it!

Celebrity Weekend Round-up: Mariah Carey is still pregnant.

It's Friday, people, GET EXCITED.

People sure were excited for Friday all week at work. Remember the dry erase board artists? They struck again (sort of):

The "art" if you will accumulated slowly throughout the week. Today? GONE. All of it. I was sure I'd come in and some other clever individual would have some beautiful Friday artwork. Maybe they'd pull out the purple and yellow markers and design a Friday message so mind-blowing that we could all pack it up and immediately go home.

Instead some sourpuss erase the whole thing. Boo to you, sourpuss.

Let's celebrate this weekend with a few celebrity stories, shall we? Think of it as some virtual dry erase board art all up in your business.

First, Mariah Carey is still pregnant, and celebrated by taking some nudie pics with her husband.

Ok, so, why does it feel like Mariah Carey has been pregnant for 18 years? I expect, any day now, for US Weekly to run an article about how Mariah Carey gave birth in a bathtub full of Dom Pérignon and celebrated her twins' graduation in the same day. Cigars, birthday cake and placenta for everyone!

The pregnant body is beautiful and blah blah blah, but really? you're going to describe them as NASTY? I bet  Mariah Carey has a whole room in her mansion dedicated to hiding her embarrassing photography, including the picture where she painted her pregnant belly with a picture of a butterfly.

Mariah Carey has the cray-cray.

In reality TV news, MTV has ordered Jersey Shore spin-offs for three of the cast members. There goes the neighborhood. And by neighborhood, I mean a whole generation of teenagers.

Please join me in a rousing chorus of NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

What else, what else...Oh, Kevin Federline needs to be fixed. Seriously, whoever is telling him that continuing to procreate needs to stop. I'm thinking about putting a little donation button over on the sidebar for "Kevin Federline Vasectomy Awareness".

Some math!!

Kevin Federline + model/prettylady/popsinger = babies X 5 / 3 mommies

Now that's math I can get behind.

If Kevin Federline can have that many children with that many pretty girls, there's hope for everyone out there.

Your thoughts on any of these stories? What did I miss (besides a lot)(actually, pretty slow news week this week). Sound off!

Celebrity week round up: Charlie Sheen has tiger blood

I'm starting a new thing where I will tell you guys about all my favorite pop culture and celebrity moments of the week. We're going to kick off this guilty-pleasure fest with the guy who makes guilty-pleasures a lifestyle choice: Mr. Charlie Sheen.

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What a week he's had! He starts this week going off the deep end with an interview on Good Morning America. My friend at work sent it to me and I sat at my desk laughing because he was just so ridiculous. Since then, he's become an internet phenomenon, spawning Twitter hashtags with his off the wall quotes. Seriously, he's done gone lost it.

My friend Brooke from Building a Kingston Castle was on Sheenwatch 2011 all this week. Brooke, what can you tell us?

I’m Brooke and I’ve been camped outside of Sober Valley Lodge (aka Charlie Sheen’s house) waiting desperately for the most recent news of Sheen Watch 2011. Fans have been shocked and entertained by the antics of Sheen as of late. Sheen, who claims to be not under the influence of drugs or alcohol, but instead high on himself, has a tough road of recovery ahead of him. There is currently no treatment for addiction to Charlie Sheen, as suffered by the non-drug’s most notableonly addict, Charlie Sheen.  Sales of baby tigers have sky rocketed among the uber chic since Charlie Sheen declared himself a warlock and  cited their blood as the source of his delusions of grandeur amazingness. The bi-winning (as opposed to bi-polar) actor has been holed up with his Goddesses (read: possible hostages) since taking a left turn for Crazy Town late last week. Holed up, that is, aside from stops on his tour of self-loving media appearances sprinkled with such notable quotes as:

- "It's perfect. It's awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books … We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it's scary." - JMJE, Making Stuff is Fun

--  "[the script] was written for normal people, people who aren't special, people who don't have tiger blood and Adonis DNA." - The Random Blogette

--  I'm on a drug.. a drug called Charlie Sheen It's not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off, and your children will weep over your exploded body. - Natalie, My Crazy Busy Life

There’s no telling what this loose canon will do next. There’s only one thing we can be sure of: it must be fun to be high on Charlie Sheen.

Back to you, Amanda.

Thanks Brooke!

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In other news of celebrities whose lives are a glittery spectacle of one liners and rehab, Lindsey Lohan was recently interviewed by Extra and said she was "focusing on her recovery.....and stuff."

I personally wonder what that "stuff" could be. I came up with a list:

• stealing more things
• snorting coke
• working on her career
• coloring her hair red, then blonde, then red again
• being a burden on society

Which of these things is least likely?

Oh, I think we're getting a message from Brooke out at Sober Valley Lodge. What's up, Brooke?

This just in. VH1 has announced another season of The Surreal Life with notable crazies Charlie Sheen, Britney Spears, Gary Busey, Winona Ryder, Michael and Lindsay Lohan, an Olsen Twin, Macaulay Culkin, Janice DIckinson, Buffalo Bill, and Dakota Fanning. There are still many questions as Sheen Watch 2011 rolls into its second week:  such as “who are these Goddesses he’s snorting Charlie Sheen off of?” and “how can any of us ever be winners if we’re not total freaking rockstars from Mars?” Again, I’m Brooke reporting live from Sheen Watch 2011 outside Sober Valley Lodge.

Wow, it's been awhile since we witnessed a trainwreck quite as spectacular as the one we're seeing unfold during Sheenwatch 2011.

Finally, in reality TV news, Reality Steve finally got it wrong. This blogger, who has, for years, accurately predicted the outcomes of Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons with the help of an "ABC Insider", determined one girl to win, but it's actually the other. Sorry to be so vague, but maybe not everybody reads spoilers like me.

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Reality Steve has always been super smug about it. He also likes to point out how fake the show is, and this is news to approximately nobody. Zero people are surprised by the bombshell that contestants aren't living real life on the Bachelor. Oh, tell me more, Reality Steve. You mean flying in a helicopter to a private island FOR DINNER doesn't happen in real life? Why, I thought I was just missing out.

Collective eye roll *here*.

Enjoy your weekends, everyone!

For your Halloween enjoyment, I present the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Opulence. They has it.

Bravo has graciously given us another gaggle of *frightful* women who have decidedly more money than sense. I can't figure out how this one is different than the original Real Housewives of OC, because the new crew all seem just as tanned, fake and *zombie*-like as the original OCs, but somehow it's different. Let's not question Bravo's motives too closely, shall we?

Meet the characters:

• Lisa VanderPump-Todd - "Restaurant Owner" "Entrepreneur" "Dog owner" (the last one is for real). Apparently, a type of Beverly Hills rich lady whose children have long left the nest and replaced them with dogs. Tiny, skittish little dogs. With bows and sweaters who drink Fuiji water out of gold plated bowls and who poop in handbags that cost more than my entire closet of clothing. She lives in a palatial home with her husband, a crap-ton of dogs, and a personal trainer/friend/hanger-on/squatter/possibly gay BFF who is approximately 30 years younger. Don't worry, her husband is cool with it. Unless he's not gay, in which case he might have a Situation on his hands. Lisa hasn't seen her original face since 1982.

• Adrienne Maloof-Nassif - Part of some high-powered West Coast family who owns, like, half of Vegas and the Sacramento Kings. She's also kind of bad ass -- like she did some ninja karate move on her son and slammed him on the ground just so she could prove to her plastic surgeon husband that she was a tough broad (mission...accomplished) *spooky*

• Kyle Richards - Famous for being an "actress" in the 70s. Also Paris Hilton's aunt. Also likes to make babies when she's not working. *spooky*

• Kim Richards - Famous for being in Escape from Witch Mountain when she was a child, never learned any type of social interaction skills, and now has tons of money, lots of kids and lungs that are filled with helium (apparently) (judging by the way she talks) (which is super annoying) (and she also hates everyone). *spooky*

• Camille Grammer - Married to Kelsey Grammer for one hot second, or enough hot seconds for her to have two children with him. OH WAIT. She didn't actually give birth to her children, she had them via surrogate even though she was perfectly capable of having them herself, just didn't want to lose her figure. I'm not making that up. And let's just say, Camille Grammer probably could use a hamburger. *spooky*

• Taylor Armstrong - I still can't figure out what she does. Wikipedia says she's founder of eImplement, Inc. That sounds made up. And Wikipedia can't even find that as it's own entry not associated with this show. And my high school in the hills of WV has an entry, and we only had 400 people total in the whole school, so I'm questioning the legitimacy of eImplement Inc. We all know that Wikipedia does not lie. Anyway, Taylor also likes to get botox in her temples so that it looks like she has face tumors, and stir the *cauldron* of drama amongst these lovely, *goulish* ladies. *spooky*

• A very  Scary and Rich *Boogey* Monster - Married to a hotelier and spends her days shopping, designing shoes for her new line of stilettos, and scaring innocent young children by jumping out of their closets during the witching hour.

In the first episode, the ladies take a trip to Sacramento to watch a Kings game courtside, and while they are *cackling*, *howling* and doing some funky-fresh dance moves with the mascot, some Joe Schmo, the most die-hard Kings fan on the planet, who saved weekly for months for a crappy nosebleed seat, silently weeps all his facepaint off into his #1 foam finger. *spooky*

Then before or after - I don't know, there was so much awesome that it all blended together - the ladies went to a classy restaurant and acted foolish while Kim demonstrated her competence in the art of bitchface and Lisa's dog licked everyone's plates. *spooky*

 Oh, also in the episode, Kim (whose hair I would seriously cut someone for), talks about how one time, she was out to dinner with her niece, PARIS HILTON, and the papparazi was all, KIM! KIM! Over here! And PARIS HILTON was all, "Um, Aunt  Kim why are they taking pictures of you and not me?" and the Paps said, "Don't forget PARIS HILTON, your Aunt Kim was here first!" and Kim was all, "that's right, niece PARIS HILTON, I was here first!" (snaps fingers in the air in the shape of a Z)(What a sad, pitiful little life she leads.)

 Later, at Kim's house, she's getting ready to move into a haunted house house that's way too big and expensive for her (it's not necessary for me to make this show scarier than it already is), and her sister Kyle comes over to help her move and they suddenly start screaming at each other about how the other is really ungrateful, and color me confused with the problems of rich people.

So there you go. If that isn't as scary as your regular, everyday SCREAM or Nightmare on Elm Street, I don't know what is.

Can anyone who is familiar with the culture and society of Beverly Hills and/or Orange County explain to me how these two shows are different? Doesn't Real Housewives of Atlanta basically trump both of them? How appropriate is this show for Halloween, anyway?

Getting my word on! Play along!