Celebrity week round up: Charlie Sheen has tiger blood

I'm starting a new thing where I will tell you guys about all my favorite pop culture and celebrity moments of the week. We're going to kick off this guilty-pleasure fest with the guy who makes guilty-pleasures a lifestyle choice: Mr. Charlie Sheen.

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What a week he's had! He starts this week going off the deep end with an interview on Good Morning America. My friend at work sent it to me and I sat at my desk laughing because he was just so ridiculous. Since then, he's become an internet phenomenon, spawning Twitter hashtags with his off the wall quotes. Seriously, he's done gone lost it.

My friend Brooke from Building a Kingston Castle was on Sheenwatch 2011 all this week. Brooke, what can you tell us?

I’m Brooke and I’ve been camped outside of Sober Valley Lodge (aka Charlie Sheen’s house) waiting desperately for the most recent news of Sheen Watch 2011. Fans have been shocked and entertained by the antics of Sheen as of late. Sheen, who claims to be not under the influence of drugs or alcohol, but instead high on himself, has a tough road of recovery ahead of him. There is currently no treatment for addiction to Charlie Sheen, as suffered by the non-drug’s most notableonly addict, Charlie Sheen.  Sales of baby tigers have sky rocketed among the uber chic since Charlie Sheen declared himself a warlock and  cited their blood as the source of his delusions of grandeur amazingness. The bi-winning (as opposed to bi-polar) actor has been holed up with his Goddesses (read: possible hostages) since taking a left turn for Crazy Town late last week. Holed up, that is, aside from stops on his tour of self-loving media appearances sprinkled with such notable quotes as:

- "It's perfect. It's awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books … We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it's scary." - JMJE, Making Stuff is Fun

--  "[the script] was written for normal people, people who aren't special, people who don't have tiger blood and Adonis DNA." - The Random Blogette

--  I'm on a drug.. a drug called Charlie Sheen It's not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off, and your children will weep over your exploded body. - Natalie, My Crazy Busy Life

There’s no telling what this loose canon will do next. There’s only one thing we can be sure of: it must be fun to be high on Charlie Sheen.

Back to you, Amanda.

Thanks Brooke!

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In other news of celebrities whose lives are a glittery spectacle of one liners and rehab, Lindsey Lohan was recently interviewed by Extra and said she was "focusing on her recovery.....and stuff."

I personally wonder what that "stuff" could be. I came up with a list:

• stealing more things
• snorting coke
• working on her career
• coloring her hair red, then blonde, then red again
• being a burden on society

Which of these things is least likely?

Oh, I think we're getting a message from Brooke out at Sober Valley Lodge. What's up, Brooke?

This just in. VH1 has announced another season of The Surreal Life with notable crazies Charlie Sheen, Britney Spears, Gary Busey, Winona Ryder, Michael and Lindsay Lohan, an Olsen Twin, Macaulay Culkin, Janice DIckinson, Buffalo Bill, and Dakota Fanning. There are still many questions as Sheen Watch 2011 rolls into its second week:  such as “who are these Goddesses he’s snorting Charlie Sheen off of?” and “how can any of us ever be winners if we’re not total freaking rockstars from Mars?” Again, I’m Brooke reporting live from Sheen Watch 2011 outside Sober Valley Lodge.

Wow, it's been awhile since we witnessed a trainwreck quite as spectacular as the one we're seeing unfold during Sheenwatch 2011.

Finally, in reality TV news, Reality Steve finally got it wrong. This blogger, who has, for years, accurately predicted the outcomes of Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons with the help of an "ABC Insider", determined one girl to win, but it's actually the other. Sorry to be so vague, but maybe not everybody reads spoilers like me.

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Reality Steve has always been super smug about it. He also likes to point out how fake the show is, and this is news to approximately nobody. Zero people are surprised by the bombshell that contestants aren't living real life on the Bachelor. Oh, tell me more, Reality Steve. You mean flying in a helicopter to a private island FOR DINNER doesn't happen in real life? Why, I thought I was just missing out.

Collective eye roll *here*.

Enjoy your weekends, everyone!

Don't get sad this Valentine's Day

Hi.

Hello.

Happy Valentine's Day to you.

Oh. You hate Valentine's Day, you say. It drives you into a deep, powerful depression? Is it because you're lonely? Hate crowds? Allergic to roses?

Well, I"m here to tell you, on this beautiful holiday (with promotional considerations from Hallmark, Russell Stover and the Olive Garden)(because isn't that where people go for romantic dates?)(I need to get out more), that it's closing time for your pity party -- you don't have to go home, but you CAN'T STAY HERE FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF.

Feel sorry for Charlie Sheen instead.

Sure, you might not have a boyfriend, girlfriend or husband. Or maybe you're the only person in your office who didn't recieve $50 roses delivered straight to your cubicle. But it could be worse.

You could have recently been rushed to the hospital after smoking and snorting a briefcase full of coke while partying in the room in your mansion dubbed the "Porn Room" with -- surprise, surprise -- porn stars. Then you could have been released from the hospital into "in-home rehab", which I'm sorry, sounds pretend.

And the porn stars look down and pity you.

And you could have just finalized your third divorce in 15 years.

And the only real success you've had since the 80s, a TV show that's inexplicably popular, could be cancelled because you can't get your crap together.

And when somebody Googles you, these searches could come up:

In 0.12 seconds, Google could pull up a search presuming you're dead. And on any given day, that could be 60% true.

So this year, don't get sad face about this wonderful day, this tribute to true love. Call someone and tell them you love them, then embrace the fact that you aren't Charlie Sheen.

There's always a table open at the Olive Garden.