Celebrity Weekly Round-up: Roc & Roe, let's go!

People, we did it! We made it to Friday! Time to kick off the weekend (and yes,I do consider Fridays at work part of the weekend because, let's be honest here, you're not working today) with some celebrity stories.

I'm starting it off today with the biggest celebrity news of the week: Mariah Carey finally popped out dem babies. They were 100 lbs, 60 inches long, and were born at 3560 days gestation. Mother is resting comfortably, the daughter is off getting her hair did and the father is shooting hoops in the family's indoor basketball court.

They were born Saturday and kept the names a mysterious mystery for several days. Picture this: I was out running errands at lunch one day and when I walked in, my friend says to me, "AMANDA. Moroccan and Monroe." And I'm all, "excuse me? I didn't have a liquid lunch, did you?" And she's all, "That's what Mariah Carey named her kids."

I've been around celebrity crazies for a long time and I've heard plethora of bizarro names: Apple, Kal-El, Pilot Inspektor. And I have to say, Mariah Carey's baby names aren't as bad some, until you find out her reasoning for them:

- Moroccan Scott's middle name comes from Nick Cannon's own middle name, which is also his grandmother's middle name (sweet and normal)
- Moroccan Scott's first name comes from the top tier of Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's apartment, which has a Moroccan inspired decor and was the site of Nick Cannon's proposal (also, can we talk about the fact that they have a top tier of their NYC apartment?)  I'm not for certain, but this may also be where they took their nasty nudie pics while she was preggers. Yeeks.

As for the little girl:

- Monroe is named after  Marilyn Monroe, Mariah's idol and inspiration.
- Monroe 's middle name is nothing. She has no middle name because her mother has no middle name. Basically she's named after her mother.

Nick Cannon already has nicknames for them: Roc and Roe. Stellar.

I wonder if cray cray is hereditary.

Speaking of things you are born with and things you are not, what happened to Bristol Palin's face?

(That transition was painful. My apologies.)

Yeah, looks like "teen activist" and "dancer" and woman-about-town had her face done.

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Oh sweetie. Oh. Sweetie. That's clearly a chin implant. Wait. Sorry. That's clearly "a good night's sleep" and makeup. If a pseudo-celebrity has plastic surgery in the forest and nobody is around to take pictures of her on a red carpet she has no business walking down, does she make a sound? Yes. It's the sound of her 15 minutes tick, tick, ticking away.

A couple hooligans whose 15 minutes are just starting are up next. I vaguely  remember something happening last week that had It's Blogworthy all abuzz, but couldn't quite remember the details. Thank the Lord, then, for US Weekly, who reminded me gently that THE ROYAL WEDDING JUST HAPPENED AND THINGS RELATED KEEP HAPPENING.

Reporters keep relating the royal wedding to a fairytale, and what fairytale is complete without some buffoons who hang around the princess to give us all a good laugh.

Enter Kate Middleton Princess Catherine's younger brother and sister, James Middleton and Pippa Middleton.

James likes football, travel and taking semi-naked pictures with his hands in his pants.

Pippa likes shopping, champagne and dancing in her bra at parties.

I'm sure Queen Elizabeth is so proud those genes are entering into the pool. Honestly, though, aren't those two links more entertaining than anything the royals have done in the past 30 years?

Cray cray is hereditary; class is not.

Enjoy the weekend!

What were your favorite stories of the week? Do you want to see less of Bristol Palin and more of the Middletons?

Celebrity Weekly Round-up: Royally Distracted

Happy Friday, y'all!

I'm really sorry to disappoint you, but I have nothing whatsoever to write about for the celebrity weekly round-up. I haven't heard any good celebrity news this week and nothing appears to be going on, so I'm just gonna call it a day. Have a good weekend folks...

SIKE!!!!

Unless you live under a hollow log, you know that today is the WEDDING OF THE DECADE. Prince William and Kate are going to the "chapel" and getting married. I can almost guarantee their wedding makes yours look like a shotgun wedding held at the barn. Sorry for your crappy wedding. Hope their fabulousness didn't make you feel too inferior.

Hubby can't figure out why I was so excited for this, and to be honest, I wasn't sure why I was so excited either. Maybe it's because my Mom watched the wedding with me when I was just a wee tyke and now I can watch this one with my son. Or maybe it's because deep down inside, a lot of little girls and grown women alike wonder what it would be like to be a real, honest to God princess.

Although the Royal Wedding ceremony is over, the coverage will live on for weeks and weeks on the internet, as all the best stories do. Lots of others have written about the royal wedding much better than I (like, for instance, Chalupa's Mom , who wrote the funniest Royal Wedding post of the week). So I'm here to just throw together my favorite links I've been collecting all week.

First, you have to go to the E! Online Royal Name Generator and get yourself a Royal name post haste. You can refer to me as the Duchess Amanda Arabella Austinton of Gainesvilleham for now on. Or just The Duchess for short, because I'm not stuffy.

Then after that, go on and Princess Yourself.

Ignore that excessively long neck, but other than that, I look pretty legit, huh? Or more like prom queen. Nowhere near as sophisticated as Kate looked.

Also related: How glad are we, collectively, that this technology exists? (Super glad!)

Let's talk about hats. Facinators, is what they are called. And I'm fascinated har har har. First time that joke's been made, I'm sure! Give me a second while I pat myself on the back for cleverness. Here, why don't you check out the best hats at the Royal Wedding while I give myself the "GURL UR SO FUNNY!" blog award.

Anyway, fascinators are big business here in the US since Kate Princess Catherine rocks them on the regular. The article says they sell from $35 to $100, but I betcha you could search Etsy and get one for a song. Or, you could always fashion one from a headband and feather like my friend at work.

All this Royal Wedding hoopla makes me realize how very little I know about English royalty. I mean, more or less everything I've learned about it is from The Tudors, and I hardly think they are still chopping off people's heads for sport anymore. So, will Kate really be queen someday? Here's the scoop from E! Online, in which they go into detail about the royal succession. For some more royal fun, check out People's gallery of royal family look-alikes through history. And then there is the A-Z of Royalty from People.

You're welcome for giving you all these links to waste time this Friday.

On to the actual wedding. She looked gorgeous and her dress was both modern and traditional (is what I learned this morning from Guiliana Rancic) and Grace Kelly-esque. If you weren't one of the 1000 some odd people invited, US Weekly gives you a glimpse inside the ceremony. Then after she said her "I DO"s, Kate automatically became Princess Catherine and a few hours before was bequeathed some other fancy pants titles. Not bad for a regular Jane.

Then they made history by kissing TWO TIMES while e'rybody and their brother got drunk in the streets below them. BEFORE NOON. They ain't playin'. I missed the kiss by 5 minutes, but you don't have to because E! wrote all about it.

Click on any of those links and it will lead you down the rabbit hole of thousands upon thousands of articles, galleries and fun facts. Enjoy.

Have a happy weekend!

Did you do your royal name? Leave it in the comments!

Celebrity Week Round-up: The one where I give the Internet a stern talking to

Another Friday is upon us! It's a good Friday for two reasons:

1. It's actually Good Friday.
2. I'm took a Paid Time Off day slash mental health day slash if I have to fix another broken link on the website at work, someone will have to lock me up day.

In fact, while you're reading this, I might either be still sleeping (not likely if you're reading this after about 8 am), lounging on the couch or dipping my baby's toes in the Atlantic Ocean for the VERY FIRST TIME. How's that for a Friday?

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Speaking of Friday, remember Rebecca Black? Of course you do. If you could hear that atrocious song and get away with it NOT burnt permanently into your brain, you're a stronger person than I. She's only been trending on Twitter for, like, 14 years. Although her only achievement thus far are being famous for singing a crappy song that went viral, she's not under police protection after recieving death threats.

Ok. What? I don't condone death threats. At all. I'm what you'd call anti-death threat. So, what special kind of cray-cray (I'm going to keep using this phrase until it's a thing) wastes their time threatening a girl who probably has nothing and has done nothing. I threw together this handy-dandy death-threat flow chart to demonstrate my point:

Try to get that song out of your head now. And.....Tangent time! 

I had a conversation not long ago with Jenn on Twitter about viral videos and other Internet fueled ridiculousness. Using Friday as an example: you have the early adopters who originally found this video and sent it to their other early adopter friends. Then a few other people pick it up. Then you have the early majority (like your best friend who didn't check her email all week) and the late majority (like when your Mom says, "say, have you seen this funny video? ahahahaha, so cute!") 

It's the diffusion of innovation theory, sort of.

Except on the internet, it goes to another level. Suddenly something that was a huge joke, (Friday, Charlie Sheen, as two examples) is now mainstream. I saw somewhere that Rebecca Black's song was sampled in a real artists' song? I mean ridiculous.

That's when I get simultaneously embarrassed to be a part of the Internet and mad at every single person who mashed the "Share link" button on YouTube. I'm mad at Yahoo for picking it up, or Good Morning America for doing an interview with her. I just want to hit the Internet on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and say "BAD INTERNET!" I want to rub it's nose in the crap it produced and tell the Internet sternly, "Don't you dare do that again!" 

But it always does.

Wait, there's more!

LeeAnn "homewrecker" Rimes decided the double standard in country music is to blame with her breaking up two marriages (hers and Cibian's).

 "[Country music] has such a double standard. You know, Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash and all these guys. God knows what they did back in the day? And if a woman did it, you never were accepted or forgiven. But if it was a guy, it was just their life… It's quite interesting to have to navigate those waters as a woman in this business."

Yeah. I'm sure that's it.

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Finally, are reality stars ever going to stop getting rich just by being awful people on TV? Bethenny Frankel used reality TV to spawn a $120 million media empire, so until that stops happening? The answer is no.

Enjoy your weekends, folks!