Five reasons I'm just not into the Bachelor this season

Remember last summer when I wrote about the Bachelorette like it was my job, even when I made up an episode recap that was published while I was on my cruise?

Ah, the good ol days.

I was so super excited that it was Bachelor time again. I mean, I have always loved to hate that show. I am a recent convert and started about the time I started my current job, exactly three years ago. My friends there watched it, so I thought I would too.

1. Bachelor Brad is brain dead. I am pretty sure there is nothing going on behind those eyes.

When you look at that photo, do you see anything other than a pretty face? Is it really all that pretty? 

Additional theory? He's a robot.

2. The girls are too boring. There's only one psycho one, and while she's RULL psycho, it's not enough to hold my interest. I need to get behind  one of them (that's what he said), but they all sort of suck.

3. Speaking of the girls? Too skinny. One girl is a food writer and I could see her ribs when she was wearing her bikini. What kind of food are you writing about, sisterfriend? In that scene they were jumping off rocks in Anguilla into the crystal clear water (TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY UNFAIR ALERT). The rocks were all, is she also a rock? Because she's so pointy and sharp. Me and my 10 pounds of baby weight aren't in any kind of mood to see skinny girls complain about how fat they look in bathing suits, thankyouverymuch.

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4. I have a baby. Unfortunately, a baby doesn't care if it's time to eat right when Brad is giving out his last rose. Luke is all, "This is fun and all, but it's time to munch on a boob, so let's get to gettin' woman." And I'm like, *sigh* Ok.

And besides, the show is two freaking hours long. ABC, we know what happens: date, drinking, tears, repeat. Throw in a rose. Say "this journey" 14 times. Say "in this for the right reason" another eight. Kissing with and without tongue.

Actually, this could be two separate reasons, but I have one more.

5. It's not like I don't believe in second chances, but you're telling me that of all the eligible Bachelors in the United States -- millions of good looking men between the ages of 25 and 35 -- Brad Womack is the ONLY one suitable for this show. Brad, who already had a chance and squandered it by choosing himself.

Listen, it's not like Brad was hit with the ugly stick too very hard, but he's a couple cents short of a dollar. His conversations with the girls are awkward at best, and his voiceovers are stilted and weird. The last episode I watched, the was making out on the beach with the psycho girl while two other girls watched in horror. I'm talking, like, grope city USA, population THOSE GUYS. And then in the voiceover he says, "Whoo boy. I really messed up this date big time."  Firstly, yes, yes you did. Secondly, "whoo boy"? Are you a farmhand from Missouri? Are you a 5 year old boy? I'd like to know how he justifies saying "whoo boy".

And then there's his dependency on his therapist, whom he calls on the daily. It's just bizarro.

My faithful Bachelor/Bachelorette reading followers, I'm sorry I've let you down. Maybe next season I'll be more entertained.

Are you watching the Bachelor? Do you miss my recaps? Clicky here to see all my Bachelorette posts from last year.

The Bachelorette: The Last Episode - Pretty sure Roberto is a werewolf

Now, I know you were all expecting a Bachelorette recap but you ain't getting it because those things were sucking all the joy from my Tuesdays. Instead,on this hot summer day, let's discuss the following:  how hot as fire is Roberto anyway?

Photo from this site.

Let's recap ROBERTO, shall we? Baseball player. Latin LOVAH. Speaker of numerous foreign languages. Sayer of things like "I hope I can watch a thousand more sunsets with you." Salsa dancer. All-around hottie. Far too nice and sexy for Ali, but what can you do? I had been reading spoilers that said she picks no one, so this was a little bit of a surprise for me, but I like it. I like surprises.

I'd like to now share with you the conversation and discovery JP and I made two weeks ago regarding our dear friend Roberto. She is a Twilight fan and was filling me in about the last book, which she'd just read. Later:

JP: I dont' want a vampire, I want a werewolf. That looks like Taylor. Find that for me, Amanda.
Me: Listen, you get one or the other; a regular Joe who looks like Taylor or a werewolf.
JP: Ok, a Taylor L. No, actually I'm not settling, I want both. And if Regular Joes look like Taylor, I'd like to live in whatever world you live in that this occur.
Me: It's the same world where the Bachelorette is real and these things happen.
Me: Why is Roberto so perfect?
JP: I want him to be in my life.
Me: I want him to be in your life too. Maybe he's a werewolf. Would that do?
JP: MAYBE HE IS. omg-- I bet he is Amanda!
Me: It explains a lot.
JP: We totally just scooped the shit out of US weekly.
Me: Should we email them? I can just see the front page: "Ali's Final Pick - What's his secret?"
JP: yes! Ask for money first, though. "Roberto's Fuzzy Past."
JP: Why is Roberto so sweaty in that one talking head shot?
Me: Apparently he's all sweat, all the time. Probably sweating because he's afraid she'll discover he's a werewolf.
JP: Obviously. And werewolves have hot bodies. Like, hot as in temperature.

So we figured out his big dark secret, but a little too late because now it's over and they are living in San Diego (apparently) in their little rented love nest and will live happily ever after on an insurance agent's salary, considering Ali "gave up everything" including her source of income (and she has a little too long of a wait for Dancing With the Stars). Farewell, Ali, it's been a great  mind numbing journey.

UPDATE:

Jayme reminded me that I forgot probably the most tragic-slash-unintentionally hilarious part of this whole season: the use of "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" from the Lion King as the closing song, played over a montage of all the moments of True Love between Ali and Roberto this season. Really now. It's like sometimes TPTB at ABC don't even *try* to make anyone take them seriously. Even funnier? The interpretive dance my hubby did to said song (far more amusing than even two seconds of the Bachelorette). As she said in her comment, they probably used it because Ali and Bert (I'm calling him that now) "starred" in Lion King on Broadway, but way to make us reach back far into our memories of this atrocious season and remember that little nugget. Already done been purged, people.

The Bachelorette Episode 8: There are other states besides MA & CA? Tell me more...

*sigh* This season is just dragging on forever, isn't it? I'm going to make this one pretty quick because I tried to write it all day and all night but was just too tired to be funny. Tired from what, you ask? PAYING ATTENTION TO THIS SHOW. Seriously, I think the Bachelorette sucks the energy right out of me. It's either Ali or my unborn child. It's taken me all day and lots of chocolate to get the energy to fire up my laptop to write this. True story. And then a truer story is this: I got so exhausted from moving my fingers and using my brain that I called it a night and am finishing this on Wednesday. Pathetic. I should have my blog license taken away.

My hubby watched with me, and by watched I mean he played on his laptop while I watched and sometimes made funny comments. They are so worth it, so I'll put them in bold so y'all who hate this show and my long-winded recaps can just scan the page for his witticisms. Leave him some love because he's so excited to be featured.

Tonight is the hometown dates. Ali starts out in Tampa to see our Latin lova, Roberto. Ali is so impressed with this state, what's it called again? Florida? She's never spent time in Florida, but she's driven through it. To WHERE? It goes nowhere. Tampa is on the way to more of Florida. Unless we're talking the Florida panhandle, you don't just drive through this state on the way to somewhere better.

They are wearing matching plaid, is that even in style? Do people wear plaid? He takes her to a baseball field at the University of Tampa, where he played ball in college. What on earth can I say that's bad about this? I mean he's adorable and a baseball player. He's pretty much amazing. He runs out in a baseball uniform and gives Ali a baseball jersey of her own. It's like 14 sizes too big and she imagines for a second she's a real baseball player's wife before they start throwing the ball around. Ali pretends like she's terrible, does that thing where a girl covers up her talent at something or understanding of something so the guy can feel superior.
Ali interviews that she  loves a guy in a baseball uniform really? Tell me one girl who doesn't. She's still the queen of stating the obvious. He gives her a baseball card with him on it from his minor league rookie days before he became an insurance agent instead (tragic), then they get drunk on the field. I'm sure University of Tampa appreciates that.

Dinner with his folks. They ask her why she likes him and she says "I get this feeling" 20 times because that sounds better than "I'm a famewhore and he's a fan favorite." It's time for the serious talk with Dad part of the date. Dad shows Ali Roberto's wall 'o trophies, then they talk about goals. Dad is worried about Ali's goals in life, wonders how much she can give to support him. Ali tells him that to make Roberto happy, she has to be happy. So she has to be fullfilled. She has no clue what she's talking about, and PS, the theme for this year is "women should support her man and not have goals". So of course Ali was the best choice, being she's such a traditional girl. Wha?

Roberto is talking to Mom says he will propose if he gets the chance, then asks for his Mom's blessing. Get out of this lío caliente pronto, amigo! Now they start salsa dancing.  Ali is dancing with Roberto, his Mom and Dad dance together, Ali dances with Dad, Roberto dances with Mom, it's a big orgy of dancing. It's too cute for me to make fun of.

They travel from sunny Florida to cold Cape Cod? Jess, Cape Cod looks a tad bit nipply. Chris's dog runs to meet Ali, but then runs right past her. This dog is the only smart one on theshow. Chris takes her to the beach. He seems like he's really into her. They talk about whale sex a little bit, she gets a little turned on by that thought. And it's 8:30. FCC? We have a problem over her.

Remember, Chris is the guy whose Mom passed away not long ago. He says Mom has seen his brothers wife and future wife, but not his. That gives him sads, but even if she was around she still wouldn't. Pictures of his mom all over, little mementos.  Ali's drinking while she's looking at this which seems really disrespectful. They pretend like they are an old married couple, he says it's been a rough day, needs a beer, she says, "I have one right here in my purse." He thinks she's kidding, but I am pretty sure shes' serious. Ali tells him she was nervous and he said he wouldn't have brought her home if they wouldn't like her, except it's not his decision at all.

Dad comes in, says "you stole my roommate, Ali". Cute! The rest of his fam, brothers and their wife/fiance come in. They open a bottle of wine and Ali's party girl side comes out to play. She's super excited about the wine. Ali is wearing a bracelet that Chris gave her, the other girls have the bracelet too. She says he gave it to her in Spain "like two days ago!!" You right before she was in Florida meeting her other boyfriend's family, so it's great that you're wearing the same super-special and meaningful bracelet that his brothers bought their *actual* future wives.Ali says she can tell that his family knows him better than anybody, and she becomes one step closer to fulfilling her "obvious statement" quota for the night.

These Dads are breaking my heart today. He says he wants to see all 3 of his boys married with a partner, doesn't realize he's talking to a famewhore? Sister in law says she's protective of Chris, and that he needs someone to love and support. Well according to that, Ali is perfect for him. Chris says Ali definitely "could be" his soulmate, cause when it comes to soulmates, "could be" is the term most people use. He wants Ali to fall for him, not just pick him.

Dad asks what would he say to his Mom about Ali? He says she'd just "know" Ali was right for him. Dad says that Mom is orchestrating this trainwreck of a TV show and Chris's part in it. I hope that that means she's orchestrating him not winning so he can find somebody better than Ali, like a relationship that will last more than 3 months. These people are too nice for this show.

They make out on a bridge that looks like a tower, Hubby says, "Get a room?" He says Chris wants to say, "Would you like to see my tower on top of this tower."

Twangy music starts and we know that we're now getting ready to see Kirt and his hillbilly ways, like where people get mold poinsining. She calls him Kirtky, which is the most awkward emasculating nick name ever. He says, "you're in my city!!!" because there are only two places that exist in this country according to Ali, San Fran and wherever she was raised. Massachusetts I think. Middle America, what's that? Ali says she's never met a family where parents are divorced and don't speak. She picks some random yellow flower for her stupid weave.

I go to get a snack during the commercial and when it comes back on Hubby goes, "Well this prostitution show is back on."

Dad, Step-Mom and adopted sister are first. The best part of the whole episode is upon us. Dad looks at Ali and says, "would you like to see my basement?" The step-mom rolls her eyes. Call  sit his "workshop". he says, "would you liek to go fiiirrrsssttt?"

OK. First. Don't ever...EVER...follow someone into their basement after they ask in such a serial killer way. Second. DON'T' EVER FOLLOW SOMEONE INTO THEIR BASEMENT.

 In the basement, we find  a whole zoo full of taxidermy animals. Hubby speaks for the Dad: "Around this corner, I have humans." Ali says she love animals, but when they are alive. He shows her a Caribu foot that he inexplicably glued google eyes on. Nothing about that makes sense. He continues the tour of this horror show by pointing out the deep freezer where he stores his frozen meant and popcicles. Dad and Ali have a serious heart to heart. Dad doesn't want Kirt to have his heart broken get hurt. Hubby says the last 4 girls that broke his heart are in the deep freezer.

Kirt sits on the couch and talks to his little sister, who even at eight years old knows how stupid this whole thing is. Kirt keeps asking her if she likes Ali and she won't say yes or no. He has to basically talk her into it.

They visit his  grandma, sister and mother next. Grandma fixed a delicious meal of  meatloaf, cheesy potatoes, and some other things, but I get stuck on the cheesy potatoes because Grandma won't shut up about cheesy potatoes. I hope I get some visits this week from the search term "cheesy potatoes". His Momma has the same hairdresser as Ali, presumably, because that color of yellow hair does not occur in nature. I think they would both glow in the dark. Mom says that when Kirt was sick, she and he wore yellow Lance Armstrong bracelets, and she thinks he's so strong for persevering through this. MOLD SICKNESS. You guys. I thought Lance Armstrong bracelets were for cancer, but I guess you can wear them for any illness you have. The things you learn on the Bachelorette. I've come to the conclusion that Kurt looks terrible in HD. He says he has much more confidence in Ali after she met his family and they approved. Oh goodie, because you know that's important when you make your choice about marrying her and OH WAIT YOU DON'T GET TO CHOOSE.

I love how the Bachelorette sets the scene using stereotypical music: jaz lets you know it's time to be back in Chicago, hometown of Frank, instead of Hickville, USA, home of Kirt. They go for a boat ride, and apparently Ali  has never seen a boat before and is instantly excited. They take pictures with some point and shoot camera, the obligatory " taking pictures because we're so goofy" date. She's drinking beer, where did she find that beer?

He says he's sure his parents are freaking out. I feel like he's sitting there and basically is begging her to let him go. He's in that critical part in the romantic comedy that is his life where the protagonist is really thinking about his situation and ready to make some Big Choices. Ali says needs him to be confident because she can't reassure him of her love for the rest of her life. No, that's not how relationships work at ALL. Frank and Ali sit in the car, she is laying on his shoulder and he's smiling like sociopath. I'm pretty sure he's wearing her cardigan.

Dad says, it's good to have you back, but in Dad language that means "I wish you'd get a job and leave". Frank says she brought him on the hometown date out of sympathy and pity. Dad says, "yeah that's why we keep him here." Truer words, people. Truer words. Ali says "I really like him. Like a lot. Like he's amazing." and then says the same thing 5 more times using the word "like". Can "like" be a WOW word, Liz and KLZ? Cause I would SO, like, transcribe everything Ali says and win that mother trucker.

Frank asks, "Is this another relationship that might not last?" Um,  well the odds are terrible that it will last, so you're probably right. Sister wants him to take more time to figure out what he wants. He doesn't have the luxury of too much time, but is is three days enough, you think? Ali has drunkface every time she talks to the families. I know that face. How many conversations have I had with my girlfriends out at the bar where it seems so super serious because we've had a glass or two of wine? Answer: lots.

Frank has the lowest cut shirt on ever. He's rocking the man cleavage. They have the most inane exchange: "They are amazing,"  Ali says.  "YOU'RE amazing!!!!!" Frank doth protests too much. He stands and watches her leave with a tourtured look on his face. Wonder what song he's playing in his head for the soundtrack for this part? Probably some bittersweet love song. I mean, why wait till the screenplay is written. Go ahead and pick out the songs now.

Rose ceremony time. Ali is wearing a piece Disney Princess prom dress collection. She drives the point home even more by saying Roberto is like a fairy tale. Ali says her heart is beating out of her chest right now, probably because she knows it's going to be Kirt and she's afraid of being taxidermied and hung in a basement. Kirt gets the shaft and nobody watching is surprised. Hubby hopes Kirt's dad uses her real eyeballs on the taxidermy, and hopes Ali's tanned skin isn't too rubbery. She asks for a hug after she dumps him. She just wants one more hug, she says. Hubby says she doesn't need to worry, that Kirt will go in his Dad's basement every night to hug her.

So did you enjoy Hubby's commentary? Would you like to hear more of his funny?

Chris Harrison is available for marriage counseling, if y'all are interested

Oh my stars and garters, mercy me, was that a hot mess up on the ABC Monday night. Unfortch, I was too busy playing the new lego Harry Potter game on our Wii (because I'm a massive nerd) to watch the Bachelorette. I know, I'm sure everyone is disappointed, but you're just going to have to find your B'ette fix elsewhere this week. I do know that Ali loves Portugal because it's "sunny and warm" and there was lots of face sucking and spit swapping and then Ty was sent packing. Happy trails to you, Ty. Hope you find that perfect woman who is ready to stay home and cater to your every whim.

Looks like Ty has some stiff competition for that particular kind of lovely lady after learning more about Jake the Snake. I just caught the replay on ABC.com and I missed a doosey. Like I don't even know where to start.

First, in all seriousness, I really felt bad for Vienna. I was NOT a Vienna supporter in the least. I was all about Gia, then Tenley. I thought Vienna acted childish at best, malicious at worst. However, I think that Vienna is really a small town girl who might have a few issues of her own with relationships, and truly thought this was going to work out. Delusional? Maybe. But I think she saw herself as a Trista and Ryan or Molly and Jason -- famous together, famous for being a couple. I don't think she anticipated being second fiddle to a man who was clearly seeking fame. She got duped. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm sure she enjoyed her time in the spotlight and I'm sure most of this stemmed from jealousy on her part. But I still don't think this was at all what she expected.

Jake is disgusting to me. He was disgusting before; not physically, but something about his behavior -- the way he treated the contestants, the thinly veiled insincerity, the really pretty exterior that seemed to have something rotten inside -- really bothered me. Let's be honest here, there's not one person who signs a Bachelore/tte contract who isn't ultimately in it for their 15 minutes. So, within that aspect of the show, there are different levels of famewhoring. There's the legitimate crazies; then the people who are relatively normal and maybe just want a couple episodes on TV for funsies; then models or singers or actresses who hope to make this a springboard for something better; then the people who desire fame so much they will stop at nothing, including lying and destroying real-life, legitimate personal relationships. That's Jake.

It was gross to me how condescending and mean he was to Vienna. I'm sure she's not the easiest person to deal with, but honestly, give her a break. She's not undermining you every time she has a difference in opinion. They told a story about him giving her directions, and then she still got out the GPS, and then he threw it in the backseat. What if she's bad with directions? That's not undermining him. Get thee a dictionary, Jake. I hate to say it, but it was borderline emotional abuse -- like if he's going to do that to a girl on national TV who is basically in a fake relationship with him, what's he going to do to a normal girl he meets at the gym?

It seemed pretty clear to me that he wants a girl who will stand there and look pretty while he does whatever shenanigans will bring him the most fame. 

My favorite part of the whole thing was Chris Harrison. Dude works hard for the money and deserves every penny. He's part pre-school teacher, part therapist, part marriage counselor and part camp counselor. Lots of faces to Chris Harrison. He kicked off the show by saying, "Is this crap going to continue? This he said/she said stuff?" I'm like aw yeah, this is going to be good. Later in the show, Jake and Vienna were having words over whether or not he "made her" leave her dog, and if he did or did not, and Chris, who was completely over them in a very real way, says, "Nobody cares about the dog." Nobody can get famewhores to shut up faster than Chris B. Harrison, y'all.

So in conclusion, Jake sucks, Vienna sucks a little less, Chris sucks only slightly for being in this mess in the first place, and we only have one non-sucky person in this whole group, as shown on this graph:

Also, I'm officially over Jake and all things Jake related. I hearby announce today, July 7 2010, the last day you'll ever read about Jake on this blog. I'm done contributing to the mess that is his life. I'm still all about Ali, so you non-Bachelorette readers who have stuck with me through this journey, bless your little hearts, it'll be over soon.

The Bachelorette Episode Six: Worse things have happened in Turkey but only slightly worse

Y'all ready for another rousing game of where in the world is Ali Sandiego? This week the Caravan of Illicitness makes a stop in Turkey. You know, that city of antiquity that boasts an extensive, rich, sometimes violent history. And now they can add Bachelorette shooting location (now with 100% more oil wrestling)! I'm sure it'll be the feather in their cap!

We were promised DRAMZ tonight and they don't waste one second getting down with the dirty. Chris Harrison shows up at Ali's door and tells her he has something very important to tell her. He mentions Jessie, a contestant during Jake's season who really had no shot so she spent her days and nights badmouthing Vienna instead, and says Jessie called Chris with some "secret information" about someone who is "not there for the right reasons". Woah, that's exactly what she said about Vienna, too! Maybe she's one of those dolls that can only say, like, 4 phrases. Like that Barbie a few years ago who could say "let's go to the mall!" and "math is hard!"

Chris picks up the phone to call Toronto and it rings like  4000 times before she finally picks up. I was so hoping it would go to voicemail and he'd have to awkwardly continue leaving Ali hanging. Jessie says that one of the contestants has a girlfriend and it's Justin. DUN DUN DUUUNNNN. And his girlfriend is sitting RIGHT BESIDE HER! *gasp* This is turning into a telanova right in front of our eyes!

Girlfriend eagerly wrings her hands in anticipation for her 15 minutes of fame, telling Ali that Justin planned to go on the show, make it to the top 3, come back to the girlfriend and get married whilst using his fame to promote his wrestling career (because when you think of something that could help a wrestling career, being on a reality TV show about finding love makes...perfect...sense?) He promised that this little scheme would benefit both of them, and if she's buying that, I have some oceanfront property here in North Central Florida to sell her. She helped him with his headshots, she drove him to the hospital when he broke his foot and she's telling his secrets now (as this pot of plot  nonsense thickens deliciously) because he has a ...wait for it....wait for it....are you still waiting? ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND. Dios mio!

Well. Here's the thing.

A. What kind of guy would do that to his girlfriend who he claims to be madly in love with?
2. What kind of girl allows it to happen? (It goes both ways). Love is blind and all that bull.

Also? You date a girl for two years, then decide to date another girl while you're dating the first, then go onto a dating show to meet and become "engaged" (in the loosest sense of the word) another girl? That's a Paula Deen quality recipe for disaster -- indulgent and will eventually kill you. People say reality TV isn't real, that it's a waste. Find me one written show on TV right now that has a team of 26 crazy people for a writing team and I'll watch that instead. Nobody can write plots as good as the ones famewhores and sociopaths can write for themselves.

So, after talking to Jessie and Girlfriend, and finding out Justin had contacted Girlfriend several times during the "journey", most recently the night before the call, Ali gets pissed. She says this show is the most important thing she'll ever do in her life (dream big!) and goes to confront Justin.

Ali says she believes in putting people in their place when they aren't good to you and sharing your toys and looking both ways when you cross the street because she talks like a kindergartner. Ali and Chris Harrison, HARBINGER OF DOOM, invite themselves into the guys' hotel room. Ali has a little chat with the guys; she asks them how they are holding up, if they miss home, and then tells Justin it must be really hard on him because he must miss his girlfriend SO MUCH. Oh snap, girl! It's a good thing this happened so early in the morning; a little later and this group would be dropping their beer bottles along with their jaws!

Justin peaces out. Like literally doesn't say another word to her, just hobbles off the couch, grabs his wallet and passport and leaves. Ali runs down stairs to confront him and he pushes past her. She continues screaming at him, asking for a deserved explanation. Justin tries to duck into a closed restaurant and a waiter shrugs that they are closed. Ali screams that this show is a very sacred thing for her.  The hotel manager is probably regretting the choice to allow them to shoot on his property.


Justin  tells Ali he wants to talk off camera, which is a smart plan of action for a person who came onto a reality TV show in the first place. He walks all over God's creation to get away from her. He climbs over walls, through landscaping, might have swam around in a fountain or two for all I can tell. All with his walking cast, mind you. Justin, that's not what they had in mind when they said "walking boot".

Later, Justin comes back after he makes up a good story. Which is as follows: Jessica was a good friend to start out with. He came into it with his heart 100% into Ali, and throughout the process his heart changed. Ali doesn't believe a single word of it and asks why this perfect stranger would throw him under the bus if it wasn't true. Ali tries to confirm he had talked to Girlfriend since starting the show and he adamantly says no. Ali tells him to shut up and leave while he still has a sliver of dignity left. Well played, lady.  You're so feisty  when you're sober! AND SCENE.

As Justin walks off, the producers play a  voicemail from Girlfriend in which he reads a terrible poem he wrote to her telling her he wants to marry her, how much he loves her. Saved message after saved message. Being gone made him realize it even more. He regrets even coming on the show. Listen -- No one slams the door like a woman scorned! Dude, have we learned anything from tiger woods? VOICEMAIL IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

While this DRAMZ plays out in the plaza below, the guys are eating it up like pork butt on a stick. Craig  R says this TURKEY is gobbling his way home from Canada, and hope he has to swim in his boot. It's clever because  a turkey is an animal AND a country! ahaha! Craig R, I bet you win a bunch of cases with that clever wordplay! Date card comes. Ty gets the date, Craig gets the sads. 

The date starts, like, an hour after all this unfolds. Ty wants to protect her from being hurt, well where were you two hours ago when all this started, hmm? And are you the official Guardian and Protector of her Heart since Kasey left? Where's your official wrist tattoo?

They start the date by shopping and sightseeing, then relax in a Turkish Bath. She says this is a place only men are allowed to go, and she was able to go in, so she feels pretty special. They laugh very awkwardly before oiling each other up and making out. When they do they get boozed up? I bet they hate these daytime dates because it's so socially unacceptable to drink before noon. But wait -- so is dating 5 guys at once, so maybe that's not a concern. Social acceptance doesn't seem to be a real big deal with these folks.

Ali tells Ty she lost her faith in men that morning but he restored it by the evening. They continue making out with only towels covering their nether regions, all lubed up, it's not yet 9 pm, ABC. There are still children watching. Turn it to Cinemax, you'll find something less offensive there.

Nighttime date. Ali interviews that she loves this neighborhood, you mean your old Turkish stomping grounds because you are in Turkey all the time?  She takes him  to a romantic spot by the river. Wow, amazing that this perfect spot was already set up with lighting! He talks about everything he likes about her, and she tells him she likes that he's tall and handsome. She slurs a bunch of stuff about hardships and "it is what is is and that's the way it is and that's what we learn out of life, you know?" That sentence is transcribed straight from her lips.

She asks about marriage -- his former marriage, specifically -- and  he reveals that he is a misogynist and hates that his ex-wife worked. He was so closed off growing up that he didn't realize women are CEOs and lawyers and such. TN is so proud. She gives him a rose and he says, "Thank you! go bake me a pie!"
They dance to a tune from a Turkish street performer and he says it's most rememberable [sic] dance he's ever had until he marries her, then hopefully that dance will be just as rememberable [sic]. TN scrambles to make him the official spokesman.

Group date time the next day. The guys are walking around making asses of themselves while looking for Ali. "There aren't many blonde girls in Turkey!!" somebody says. There she is, IN A CASTLE, then I duck to avoid the anvils they are dropping on the viewing audience. Ali says she can't believe this is a group date, there are only 5 of them!  Today, she wants them to embrace Turkish tradition and culture.
Some scary looking, shirtless Turkish guys, as well as some Turkish musicians, show up on site. She's literally making them fight for one-on-one time. This is awesome!

Kurt says "is that guy shirtless? they are all oiled up!?!?" Kurt says that there are four of them, four Turkish guys, they're all in an arena, and then the unspoken completion of that is "and we've been drinking!" The guys take off their shirts and get to the oiling. Ali says seeing them get oiled up to fight for her love is pretty hot.   Kurt wants to oil Ali up and we're now at the 3rd oiling up reference of the night (again, still not even 9). (Cinemax -- channel 656).

Turkish guy tells the rules in Turkish, which means the guys are screwed. Chris L says he typically uses oil to cook asparagus and dip bread in. It's the first time he's wrestled in it. I'm a little hazy on what is happening here; if they all lose to the Turkish guys, who wins the date? It's clear that there is one immediately loser -- us.
After they embarrass themselves with the Turkish guys, they wrestle each other -- Kurt vs Roberto and Chris L vs Craig. Roberto wins the first match, and honestly, I would have put my money on Chris L to win the second, but Craig pulls it out because desperation knows no bounds. He needs him some one on one time with his lady, considering he's been dating her for, what, 6 weeks now? Gone on two vacations with her and still hasn't had a date. Craig says it feels good to be a lawyer who wrestles with words and wins at oil wrestling.

Craig's date is so over the top boring that I'm not going to bother except to say she's not into it at all until they set off fireworks. Nothing gets the spark lit like fireworks, am I right? So suddenly they are all huggy and lovey.

Next date: Frank, who has been whining for three weeks now that he needed another date. He's so weird and coked out. "Hi! Let me smell your hair? Can I clip your fingernails for you? Suck on your toes? We're in Turkey!" Ali is in no way weirder out by his behavior, and they go to a spice bazaar to act like stupid American some more. Ali puts on a sexy belly dancer outfit while he tries on a bejeweled turban. He looks like Punjab from the Annie movie (That's my favorite movie ever. It's my goal in life to mention it as many times as humanly possible.) He says his thoughts when he saw Ali in her costume were as follows: 1. WOW. 2. Why am I wearing this hat? 3. WOW ( I think the last one stood for World of Warcraft.)

Their next stop in the spice bazaar is to a carpet dealer. Frank says the carpet sales guy looked like a guy who walked off a used car lot. They hang out drinking the guy's booze while he tries to sell them a carpet.  Frank is freaking about the rug. Like panic attack mode over it, especially after the guy throws in 2 pillows. He's all, "I'm traveling the world right now, what am i going to do with a carpet?" Cut to a scene where the salesman is throwing in pillows for free. Frank is practically in tears, "The carpet is huge???? I DONT' NEED A CARPET." I'm all, don't worry, nobody forces you to buy a carpet, AND THEN HE BUYS A CARPET.

Back in the hotel, the guys sit around talking about who should leave. Craig agrees with himself that kurt doesn't "look good" with her and that he should leave. Come on, Craig has a snowman's chance in hell of staying till the next round.

Dinnertime in a flooded sewer. They have to wade through all this water to get to their meal, which is laid out nicely on a platform. Frank talks about wanting to propose only once and getting married only once. He knows how to use words to his advantage. They sit and stare at each other, then she says he scares her (me too sister, me too). They kiss, she starts with the baby talk, he gets a rose. He says he's falling hard for Ali.

Cock-TAIL party: Serious Edition. Craig is pretending like the extra 2 hours alone time he got means he's not a front runner to leave. Let's see: the guys without roses this week going into elimination are Kurt, Craig and Roberto. Craig is the only guy who she's not kissed. Pretty sure that says something. Ali cancels the cocktail party because she's tired of all the guys. Is she ok? Do we need to get a doctor in the house? It's not like Ali to turn down alcohol.

Craig gets the boot. The romance was missing. *yawn*

For all you non-watchers, choose your favorite:

Chris L - cutie from Cape Cod
Roberto - Latin LOVA from Charleston, SC
Frank - Crazy person from Chicago
Ty - Please dont' judge him based on that terrible shirt; judge him based on his sexist remarks and general ignorance!
Kirt - Who almost died of mold poisoning

The Bachelorette: Episode Five - Cornball really WON'T help you win

 Tonight we're traveling to Iceland with Ali and her band of manwhores, a country that's  as frigid as Ali's cold, dead heart! Can I just say, first off, how disappointed I am that the NYC episode with marble mouth Kasey's song originally written by a homeless man aired when I was gone.

The episode starts with Chris Harrison phoning it in to the guys that they're headed to Iceland. They all hop on what appears to be a regular passenger plane, and on the tray tables are printed pronunciations of Icelandic words. One of the guys, or maybe Ali herself, says "I don't think anybody dreams of going to Iceland to find love," and truer words have never been spoken, except that most normal people wouldn't dream of going to a reality TV show to find love, either.

Kasey says something I don't understand and I tell him to spit out the dirty rags he's keeping in his mouth, and then Ali slurs something about the beauty of Iceland, using magical and amazing in one sentence. Get this girl a thesaurus, stat. Chris, throws the ol two-on-one monkey wrench into the plans, then tells the guys the one-on-one dates are where you want to be because they have control over that? There will also be a random and awkward group date.How do I know it will be random and awkward? Because I've seen this show before.

The guys will be competing for the one-on-one date, because Ali probably doesn't remember half their names (still) and needs some way to distinguish one guy from another other than "pretty boy with nice abs and blonde hair and pretty boy with nice abs and brown hair". They will write love poems for Ali and perform them like a group of Bohemian performers in the middle of a town square. Oh, Kasey has GOT THIS. He has cornered the market on cheesy love poems/songs. Chris says that the best poem will win the one-on-one date and if you add some Icelandic, you get extra credit. Which begs the question, what does "extra credit" mean in the context of this show, hmm? Methinks it relates to the hot tub.

The pull up a patch of frozen tundra and get to the business of waxing poetic about their feelings. That usually comes so naturally to men, so you know, this is a perfect challenge for Road Rules or whatever show we're watching now. Justin crutches around town to ask some locals for some real Icelandic phrases. Somebody PLEASE teach him some curse words. They are none too helpful and I think it's because they think he's a serial killer. How do you say "please don't cut out my kidney" in Icelandic?

Finally the challenge is over. Ali plops down on a park bench to find out what incredibly sincere things these guys have written about her  in a 30 minute time frame. Some guys go and then it's Kasey's turn. You can't understand a word he's saying (per usual) except I could make out "guard and protect your heart", or maybe I just made that up because he says it every 14 seconds. Kasey is the most cornball person who ever lived. Who is attracted to that kind of behavior? The guys rag on him. Somebody says his lips must be frozen because they need subtitles to understand. ABC hears his plea and adds subtitles. Dude, he ALWAYS sounds like this. Guess his lips were frozen in the permafrost of the LA Hills, too.

What if you were from Iceland and had never seen an American before, and you watch this debacle unfold before you. I'm afraid they think we're all like this group. Please forgive us, Iceland. We know not what we do.

Ali is over this whole poem thing in a real and intense way. It's Kirt's turn. He walks over to her, holds her hands, and relates her eye color to the shade of root beer, but Ali thinks he says "beer", so he's probably the winner. Frank is last and takes a page out of Kirt's book because Frank doesn't have a unique thought in his pea brain and walks over to Ali, putting his tiny little mittens all over her. After it's over, Ali berates all the guys who didn't physically touch her in some way, and chooses Kirt because she hadn't spent much time with him. Yay?

Frank sits around and complains about how  he hates seeing Ali with other guys. I know I'm beating a dead horse here, but why do these guys get jealous when she goes out on dates with other people? YOU ARE ON THE BACHELORETTE. Kasey joins the pity party and together they are a match made in stalker heaven. I have the best idea, you guys: a reality show with JUST Kasey and Frank where they meet women and come prematurely attached to them. Don't steal my idea.

The one-on-one date starts at a sweater company, because what screams "IT'S REALLY COLD AND ROMANTIC HERE" more than matching sweaters. Ali calls Kirt husband material, and I think it's the first time she's used the H word. Does this mean he's a contender? Kirt messes around, trying on some ridiculous vests from and flashing a little flannel nipple. Meanwhile, the shop owner weeps quietly in the back, wishing this terrible monstrosity would just leave him and his hard working family alone. They decide on precious matching sweaters.

They sit down for a little brunch and Ali starts grilling Kirt about his past. He hasn't dated somebody for over a year and she thinks it's weird and abnormal and surprising. Is not dating for a year that strange? Apparently it's like a crisis over in Ali-land because she's very concerned. He keeps putting her off when she asks why. I guessed last night that he killed a man just to watch him die and spent the last year in prison. Then took a prison lover.

Meanwhile, back at the Hotel of Debauchery, the guys receive their group date card. Everyone is on it, including somebody new: Chris N! Welcome to the Bachelorette, Chris N. Let me explain this to you. There is this girl, her name is Ali and she wears a weave, and she is choosing guys based on alcohol fueled lust and false expectations and...oh wait. You've been here from the beginning? Sorry, I just noticed you. Moving on.
The odd men out are Kasey and Justin, who will be participating in the disgusting cat-and-mouse game we call the two-on-one date. Ahh, Kasey and Justin. Good versus evil. Angel versus devil. Zima versus Wild Turkey. Justin says he's going to take him out, a la the wrestling world.


The one-on-one date continues as Ali presses Kirt for more info as to why he doesn't date. He starts his big confession by saying some meaningless words: "As long as you know where I'm coming from, you'll know where I'm going," and then he whispers NAILED IT and tosses the page of his "Inspirational Quote of the Day" calendar on the floor. He describes how he started getting very sick after moving into a dilapidated fraternity house and for 2.4 seconds I feel sorry for him. He says he went to specialists all over the country and no one knew what was wrong. I thought he was going to pull the cancer card. Finally he found out it was mold spore poisoning. From the frat house. All my sympathy went out the window into the cold, dark Icelandic night. Mold spores? That's, like, tragic and pathetic at the same time. And excuse me, what does this have to do with not dating for the past year? Did he JUST recover? I'm cornfused.

Ali is not cornfused. She has nothing else to say, so they suck face a little. He gets the rose.

We join Suicide Watch with Kasey and Frank, who are performing Ye Olde Crying While Looking Out a Window. I guess I missed the tattoo drama last week. I hope ABC paid him enough to get that bad boy removed after he's kicked off. He's got a case of the sads because he has to go toe-to-toe with the wrestler. Kasey, you know you don't' have to physically fight him for Ali, right? Frank is giving him really terrible cliche advice. Why would he do that when they are wooing the same girl? If I were Frank, I'd tell him something crazy and off the wall in order to sabotage him. Wait, Kasey's doing a great job of sabotaging himself by being corny and mushy.


On to the group date, where this week's rejects meet Ali and seven horses. Somebody says Ali looked unbelievable holding a horse, and that's officially the weirdest fetish ever on the Bachelorette. Chris L has a difficult time riding; he doesn't know anything about horses because, as Ali puts it, he's a Massachusetts boy through and through. She's qualified to say that because she's a country girl herself, EXCEPT SHE'S NOT AT ALL.  They ride until they find Chris Harrison's Lair of Evil, also known as a cave. Horseback riding and then spelunking....WHAT CRAZINESS IS NEXT?

Meanwhile, back at the Hotel of Debauchery, Justin has added Medical Doctor alongside Entertainment Wrestler on resume by making the decision to have his cast taken off and replaced with a walking boot. It's just marginally more romantic. He then throws away his crutches in a public trashcan. that's OK, let Iceland deal with it.

Back at Harrison's Lair, Chris L decides to grow some balls and take care of Ali by going first. Chris N (I think) says he's nervous going into the hole and that's the the Weatherman said *rim shot*.  They all go in and Frank turns into a prissy little girl, but then has a mini-meltdown because he came all the way to Iceland to fall in love and he hasn't gotten any one-on-one time because the other guys are helping her. Well? Then help her! Ali interviews that if Frank doesn't want to step up, it's not her problem; She can't wait for him to make a move when one of these other guys could be her husband. Won't that be a fun story to tell, should she end up marrying Frank: "Remember when we went on that hike through a cave in Iceland and I ignored you ahahahahaha that was great!"

Finally they get through the cave, have a picnic lunch in their snowsuits and make a trek to the famed Iceland hot springs. Ali just freaking strips off her snowsuit right then and there and has apparently been wearing a bikini underneath -- and nothing else. I wonder if it's difficult finding your popped out eyeballs when it's so dark? These guys are disrobing so fast. One guy almost forgets to put some shorts on. Roberto jumps in first because he's a Latin LOVAH and then Iceland cries one single tear because they are using the country's beautiful springs as a hot tub sex den. Ali is drunkface while she water humps Ty. She asks what his favorite part of the day was and he tries not to say WHEN YOU TOOK YOUR CLOTHES OFF. Chris L feels cloudy headed, of course it must be Ali and not the 18 bottles of champagne being drunk in hot springs -- that's why they have the warnings on hot tubs, people!

Frank's crazy reaches the boiling point and finally they get time together. She calls him out for not being around during the group dates. She slurs a little and then they stare at each other. Frank finally discovers he has to "fight for her" because apparently he's on a reality show competition! He didn't realize that! No wonder there are so many other guys!

She picks up the rose and says it's a  beauty and the beast rose and she is just the drunkest bachelorette EVER. I thought Jillian was bad, but sister does NOT hold her liquor well. I think Ty gets it but honestly I wasn't paying attention.

Next is the always creepy two-on-one date. Justin talks about how he strong armed some poor Icelandic doctor into taking off his cast and is ready to party!  They take another helicopter ride in which she forgets she's afraid of flying, and head to the volcano. Wise Owl Ali says,  "You think you know what a volcano is all about, but you really don't until you see it." After they talk about the volcano and Kasey says some cheesy things about how it's as amazing as Ali, they all get super serious about this date.

They head to another cave that has been nicely appointed with some ice furniture and candles. Only on this show. Ice palace looks uncomfortable. The ice love seat has room for two only, so Justin and Ali take the opportunity for a little one-on-one time. I so wish Kasey would try to slip in there with them. What is Kasey doing while Justin is on the couch? Oh, waiting outside in the snow and coughing.

Ali joins Kasey on his snow pile for some one-on-one time and they are all sniffling and coughing and I hope they all get pnemonia or mold poisoning and die. Ali interviews that all he has to do is be normal. That doesn't sound to difficult....for a normal person! He shows her the tattoo and she gives him the blank "you're a crazy person get away from me" face. Ali says his Mom will kill him and he says his mom will instead be very proud of him. I bet his mom is like, an upside down broom with a mumu on or one of those lifesize dolls.

Ali is all, peace out girl scout, you're too crazy for my blood. She chooses Justin. Sociopath trumped clinically insane today. We start to see a little of Justin's evil side, because he says 2 roses were given - one for Justin and one for Rated R, then he does the Joker smile and laugh. Creeper! They take off in their helicopter of love and leave Kasey just chillin'....LITERALLY...on the side of this volcano! I mean really! Is he going to walk home from Iceland? Good luck with that.

Cock-TAIL party: It's the time of the night when they start getting super gross and pissing all over her like dogs marking their territory. Frank steals her first and empties his bladder. She talks to Frank about Justin, cause that's what you want to talk about during your 13 seconds of one-on-one time. They say "i miss you" when they have nothing else to say. Reuinited and it feels soooooooooo good.

Craig's turn for the last ditch effort, since he's been on nothing but group dates. I have a book for you..it's called...she's just not into you...Kasey wrote it. He draws a tattoo on his wrist the same place Kasey had his, and she laughs. She can't believe how funny he is. She can't remember his name.

Chris N talks and she tries to keep her eyes open. He says that former girlfriends think he's really funny and then he stares at her. And then says he likes Mexican food. And then he says that's all he can think of. Oh, brother, you're out.  The boys are discussing the body language betwixt Ali and Chris N, and decide it is saying "friends who meet up brunch once a year" instead of "lovers". And it's said without one single hint of irony. Roberto is the only guy she is truly smitten with. I have to admit, I'm a little smitten too. She wants his hot bod something terrible.

Chris Harrison is working hard for the money this week! He earns his keep this week by playing a little "armchair psychiatrist". He asks the tough questions, like "what are you afraid of?" and offers little gems like "but you can't be afraid to fall in love."

Rose time. Chris N leaves, to the surprise of no one because I polled Twitter and nobody knew who the heck he was. So Craig gets a reprieve for one more week. Congrats, Chris N, you out boring-ed Craig!

Next week -- literally fighting for her and finally....SOME DRAMA.

the bachelorette episode three:I'm totally making this up

bbim writing this from my phone on the way to cape canavral. apparently among the things you wont see on this blog today are correct spelling and contractions because my phone wont let me make them. odd. oh and my dirty little secret is that im a terrible speller. there the secret is out. just pretend one of the bachelors wrote it.

this post is entirely made up. im not basing it on spoilers or anything other than last weeks previews. i want to see how predictible this show really is.

chris harrison starts it off by spitting out the pills he was about to take to end it all and enters the junction to tell the fellas they are headed to thebig apple for a few days of romance. They are understandably excited, especially Jesse who still only has two suits and a suitcase full of denim shirts.

Ali talks some more about the journey she is on and how romantic NYC is and how she needs to make sure they are all here for the right reasons. You know..the use.

They get to NYC and discover Ali has chosen kasey for her first one-on-one. I had to think really hard to figure out his name. Kasey is starting to travel deep into the heart of stalkerville, population 2 (frank and kasey). A gigantic winged dragon swoops into times square to take them on their date. They first go to central park and have a beautiful picnic. They talk about their hopes and dreams. He tells her about his sick mother/aunt/grandfather/pet parakeet. She's drunk, so she thinks its touching. Then they take a two person bike ride around the park. Then they go to some super swanky restaurant in little Italy. Then they go to so e creepy closed club and he shows her whatever scar he has from a the hospital visit they promoed last week. And also sings her a crazy person song. They kiss. He gets a rose.

Next is a second one-on-one with Chris l. Lather rinse repeat, except they go to the empire state building and look out on the city and talk about their journey. He gets a rose.

The rest of the guys get a group date. They have bit parts in the lion king on broadway. The guys pretend they are super pumped, except for weatherman, who will be ok with it as long as there is no making out. But first -- cocktails with Ali!!! It's the first time the actors at the lion king are drunk during the performance. Something almost goes wrong but at the last minute, Ty saves the day. He gets the rose.

Cocktail party time! The guys from their bloated, alcoholic stupor to put on their finest for the little lady. Ali wears another ball gown from davids bridal. They continue playing their disgusting game of hide and seek. One of the guys brings up the fact that Justin isn't in it for Ali.

Chris Harrison removes the gun from his temple after winning a game of Russian roulette with himself to announce it's that time again.

Some people we dont remember leave and Ali pretends to be sad for about 2 seconds and then they drink some more. Surprise surprise

The Bachelorette: Episode Three - How to not get a rose

It's been one week since we looked at Ali, threw our arms in the air and said she's crazy. That's a Barenaked Ladies reference. I just Googled them to see if they had any other songs but this one because it's been over 10 years since they were last relevant and I couldn't remember. The second link TO THEIR OFFICIAL SITE says the following:

Don't miss Barenaked Ladies tonight featured during a special date in the third episode of The Bachelorette, airing TONIGHT at 8/7 Central on ABC. ...

Awww...how sad. How appropriate.

Chris Harrison kicks off the show by waking up the guys to tell them about the first date. Frank is wearing an ironic tee that says "Cultured & Experienced" because that's definitely what the contestants are usually known for...culture. Roberto snags the first date and of course he does. Sisterfriend has it bad for Roberto already. Some guy whose name I don't know says Ali doesn't know his name, and well, that doesn't really bode well for him, does it? I think he leaves later in the episode, but I'm not sure. Because I don't know him.

As the guys prepare for an afternoon by the pool as kept men, Ali arrives just in time to catch the local 10 am Dbag Junction helicopter. For someone who claims to hate flying so much, Ali sure does a lot of it. I guess it's just a job hazard but really, who thinks she's just saying that so she can cuddle with guys? Raise your hands. Methinks Ali is a cuddle slut. The heli drops them off on some random rooftop in LA and Ali explains that lunch is on a second rooftop across from the one where they landed. Um, guys? I think they dropped you off in the wrong place. Oh, wait, no, this is just the obligatory "bungee/high wire date that means the person will be in the top 3, at least". Listen, ain't no lunch good enough for me to walk across a tightrope.

Meanwhile, back at the Junction, it's burgers and beer for the non-Robertos. They are sitting around talking about who is there for Ali and who is not. I call Jonathan "Ty". I dont' know if there is a Ty or not. Oh, show!

Celebrity Urban Circus continues as Roberto and Ali risk their lives for what has to now be a cold, stale meal. Halfway across, Roberto stops her and kisses her and she almost falls in the process but it's OK because of [sparkly pink puffy hearts and angels and a heavenly glow] LOVE.

Here's Ali's priority list:

• LOVE
• her career
• living to see another day. 

They finally climb across and watch the sunset, and as he's waxing poetic about how special this moment is to him, as Robertos are wont to do, Ali gives him the sideways glance of a girl who is really into a guy. Way to give it away, you realize there are 30 production people around you capturing that moment. But I do have to say, it looked really genuine and a little sweet.

Because it would be against the laws of nature for me to think highly of Ali for more than 30 seconds, we cut to the next scene where they are somehow dressed in fancy date night clothes and eating. I thought the only way over was the tightrope, and now they have suddenly found a way into the building to change and get gussied up. I'd be all, "there is an entrance to this building from the floor and you made me walk across a tightrope. Shenanigans!"

The camera pans over to show us a pile of pillow and blankets and candles where Ali and Roberto promptly get to the making out and dry humping portion of the evening. What a weird date. It's typical in the form, but odd because it takes place on the roof of a building. I mean they are making out two feet from where they ate.

Back at Hangover Central, USA, the guys find their group date card says, "Come Rock My World - Ali". Oh goodie, I bet it will be some really popular, relevant band! But instead they get Barenaked Ladies. Hi. 1998 called, they want their adult contemporary group back. The boys get in a van and are driven to an abandoned ghetto looking area in LA where they will be murdered, then this show will REALLY get exciting! But instead of certain death, they find Barenaked Ladies just rockin' away. The boys feign interest -- one says he's "always" wanted to see them. My hubby says Barenaked Ladies are stoked because it's their biggest gig in 8 years.

Their job today, should they chose to accept, is to star in a video for the group's new song. They each draw straws for scenes with Ali. Weatherman gets a scene in which he gets to make out hardcore with her and is literally terrified, like shaking and sweating terrified. And he also cries. It's bad, you guys. Then she has a scene with Kurt, whoever he is, and they roll around making out and dry humping in a bed while she wears lingere. It's supposed to be fake but looks pretty real from where I'm sitting. ABC? It's only 8:45. Let's cool it with the continuous dry humping. The director yells cut and there is no cutting in that bed, if you know what I mean. It makes the other guys so uncomfortable that they all leave. Congrats, Kurt! You just mortified a group of people with no ethics, morals or shame! It's a first for this show!

Later they go to a "wrap party" on another rooftop bar with hot tub. Frank connects with Kurt over their mutual connection with Ali. So many connections going on here. Weatherman tries to explain his lack of balls and makes things even more awkward. The other guys jostle for time with her. Kurt gets in the hot tub with Ali, but the rest of the guys jump in and ruin their special moment. Why aren't there anthropologists on the set studying this behavior? It's fascinating. Like gorillas in the wild, except less civilized.

Back at the Junction, the guys find out Hunter will be going on the next one-on-one. Again, who? I wish I cared enough to learn their names. Hunter is dunzo. I can tell before he even leaves the Junction. He says it's the most important thing that has happened to him. EVER [pregnant pause]...on this show. But before we get to that, the big drama we were promised begins to unfold.

Justin "Rated R", the professional wrestler who is currently hobbling around on crutches, decides he needs -- nay, DESERVES -- some one-on-one time with Ali. He decides to begin his suicide mission to hike, on crutches, up some rocky slopes to her casa on the hill. There are several shots of him navigating around, asking locals where Ali lives (creepy!), climbing through ditches and across busy streets. It's your classic ill-conceived plan. They show Ali being interviewed and him gimping up behind her. She pretends like she's shocked and honored that he would risk his life to spend a few moments with her. They look at some pictures of his family and talk about his Daddy issues, as in, he doesn't' have one and wants to be a Daddy. He wants to win a reality show TV contest so he can prove he's a better man than his father? That seems about right.

Anyway, Justin's escapades are cutting into Ali's one-on-one date time with Hunter. Which doesnt 'matter because Hunter sucks a little for Ali. They go to her house, and Ali is wearing, like, jeans and flip flops and doesn't bother to brush her weave at all. Nice of her to dress up for this shindig.  He grills approximately four pounds of hamburger and a package of hot dogs while discussing how he'd gladly leave his job and stay home and take care of their hypothetical children. Ali looks terrified. They slide into the hot tub/ infinity pool where they discuss the hot tub/infinity pool. Then there is some awkward silence, then he kisses her shoulder. Ouch, Hunter. Good luck in the future, bud.

Later they sit by a fire, eating again because apparently their hypothetical children ate all that grilled meat and left them hungry, and Hunter spots the rose and says, "Theeerrreeee's a roooooossseeee!" with a sneaky smile. She says, yeah, about that. You're not getting this rose. Then she drops the "just friends" bomb and it explodes all over Hunter's sad little face.

The boys at the Junction then watch as the Grim Reaper of the Bach House carries away Hunter's bags. Some guys cheer. Craig R continues to get wasted on his 40 oz.

Next is elimination party night. Frank continues his one man crazy person show by creeping on Kurt about how much they love Ali. Frank did not learn "sharing" skills in kindergarten. Ew, how gross is it that they share her? Sometimes I forget that's what's happening on this show. Steve, who I believe has never gotten a date, plans his own date with a throw rug and some candles and an unopened bottle of champagne. He says if she wasnt' goign to take him on a date, he'd take her. And Lord, what a terrible date. She has to first get down on the ground in a huge ball gown, then he can't open the bottle. Listen, buddy, if you're unable to open booze, you're not right for Ali. She needs that in a man.

Later, while talking with Roberto, Ali lets it drop that Justin came to visit her. Roberto shares this with the guys and they go on a mission to find pitchforks and torches so they can attack Justin. They all have a little squabble like 8th grade girls fighting over lipgloss, then Justin goes out to the lanai and cries a little, and by cry, I mean he blinked really hard and rubbed his lower eye just like he had a real tear.

Here are my thoughts on Justin: I almost felt sorry for him earlier when he was talking about his Dad. Obviously, editing comes into play very heavily on this show, and I believe the producers are trying to get us to feel sorry for him. But honestly, he's a professional wrestler which is just an actor with a terrible manager. There has to be something going on if every single guy in the house hates him passionately. So I think we're going to see more from him soon and I think he's just as bad as all the guys think he is.

Chris announces the rose ceremony and Chris L, Chris N, Jesse (who was wearing a demin t-shirt because he really does only have one suit, I guess), Ty, Kasey, Craig, Frank, Weatherman, Kurt and Justin all get roses.

This one was a snoozer so just be thankful you can read about it in less than 10 minutes instead of watching for 2 hours.

Did you watch? Who is your favorite? Did you think it was a little on the boring side?
.

The Bachelorette: Episode Two - the Weave's Vegas Vacation

Ali's got her weave done right, it's on so tight, it's on tonight! The "Love (or Lust -- isn't it the same thing?) Express" is pulling into D-bag Junction: Population 17 eligible bachelors. And by eligible, I mean "willing to at leave their girlfriends for at least 5 months in order to further their career". Don't you wish YOU were Ali? She thought so.

On to the show!

Ali starts by saying, "I'm dating 17 guys right now!" and laughing hysterically and maybe she snorts a little. Her laugh is really intense, y'all. Sometimes I want to punch my TV when I hear her laugh. And Bee Tee Dubya, ain't nothing funny about cheating on 17 people with their roommates. In the real world, we'd call that kind of a girl a Sluttius Maxiumus and we'd all make fun of her behind her back. Oh wait, that's what I'm doing here.

Ali's first date is with Frank, whom I said would win it all last week and that was before I read the spoilers. The thing about Frank is that he's completely and totally an insane stalker person, but he hides it well enough that she thinks he's just totally into her. Last week during his intro interview he was all, "who is the Bachelorette? ALI? OMG I AM SO IN LOVE WITH HER ALL I NEED IS SOME OF HER NAIL CLIPPINGS TO COMPLETE MY COLLECTION?" but in a "I just want to make her happy for the rest of her days" kind of way rather than an "I'd like to wear her skin as a shirt" kind of way.

They start out driving away from D-bag Junction in a classic aqua blue convertible. You know what? I think this car was supposed to be in a museum. Like it's original owners restored it to the luster of its heyday in order to put it on a pedestal at some car museum, but the B'ette people were all, hey, what is more romantic and old Hollywood than a convertible!? I don't know what's MORE romantic but I sure know what's the complete opposite on the romance scale: breaking down on the highway. Which totally happened to them. And THEN they got out of the car and literally ran off the exit and grabbed a cab.

This show is so ridiculous. If they were a real couple and their car broke down, you can't tell me there wouldnt' be lots of snippyness over who got the oil changed last, and then some stony cold silence while waiting for the tow-truck.

They do some stupid stuff like walk up and down Hollywood Blvd. taking pictures of each other making silly faces. Ali jumps up into Frank's arms like 4 million times because I guess she cant' walk? And then Frank says, "I feel like we're already a couple". Right, after spending two hours with her, which included one broken down car. How soon we forget the other 16 guys our girlfriend is dating.

Ali tells Frank she wants to show him a very special area that not many people get to see. Oh, Ali. I can think of at least one Bachelor contestant who has seen that area and...oh wait. You mean an actual PLACE. It happens to be the Hollywood sign. It's the most recognizable place IN THE WHOLE WORLD! Ali says.
Frank continues to throw his head back, run his fingers through his hair, smile like an idiot and say, "ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" She and Frank talk about how he quit his job as a successful funds manager (I just made that up -- I don't know what he did before) and moved to Paris to write screenplays, and now has moved back and manages a Sunglass Hut at the Mall while he continues to write screenplays.

Two presumptions about Frank: He works at a Sunglass Hut (that's not a fact, it's just what I think) or a Lens Crafters and he writes romantic comedy after romantic comedy. And I think he's also on this show JUST to get more material for his screenplay.

They continue the conversation by saying, "Oh, sure, careers are nice, but then there is [insert a heavenly light and angels singing and sparkle love hearts flying everywhere] LOVE and that's more important!" Excuse me, bank account says what? Sister, we can't all leave our jobs and get six figures to find [air quotes] LOVE. Is there some new economy in the Bachelor/ette universe that has jobs out the ying yang? 

 I think the date ends romantically somehow. I was sort of over their date at the time.

Meanwhile, back at the Junction, some clown rocking a ridiculous yellow hat is making fun of random guys in the house because they are younger than him and or have tattoos.  His name is Craig M. REMEMBER THIS NAME.

The next date is with a group of guys and it's pretty awful because it involves Speedos and Beer and maybe a sweater wrapped around someone's neck. They are taking photos for a hot guy calendar and the proceeds are going to charity. Ali says she hopes they enjoy doing things for others. Sure, if "things" means ALI and "others" means themselves, then yes...this is right up their alley.

The next date is with Jesse B. He's a contractor from Missouri and bought his first suit before coming on this show and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....oh sorry, I dozed off because he's so darn boring! They go to Vegas and splash around in a pool. Where on earth are my notes on this date? I don't think I took any. I'm going from memory here: He gets all dolled up in his second new suit, provided by Ali, as well as the new cuff links she "bought" for him with all this money she suddenly has from LOVE? Whatever. He meets her in her suite that's bigger than my house and they eat dinner overlooking the Vegas strip. They talk about inane things like whose hometown was smaller. You know what? I hate how Ali plays up her "small town" life or her "city life" whenever it's convenient. Like obvs, you're pretty at home in San Francisco. That's hardly small town. Today, with Jesse, small town wins out, I guess.

After dinner, the two have VIP access to a hot new club, which. Wait. There is nobody at this club. Like not a single soul besides the D-list Michael Buble wannabe. As Jamie said on Twitter last night (follow her if you want some awesome B'ette Tweets inserted into your timeline), $10 being on this show actually HURTS his popularity. They canoodle and nuzzle and then start to dance the most awkward dance since 6th grade. He's standing behind her and they are rocking but it's almost like she's trying to turn around to spin or look at him or dance normal and he's just fine with the standing-up reverse lapdance. So odd. So small town Missouri?

Back at the Junction: WOAH is there some drama going down! And no, it's not because somebody drank the last of the Nati! Some guy is screaming at some other guy in the pool (I believe the guy being screamed at is Justin "Rated R" Professionalwrestlerguy) about how he's not here for Ali.

And then there is Craig M. I used the phrase "sociopath" so many times in reference to Craig M on Twitter last night that I got followed by several mental health professionals. Craig and his stupid hats and neck sweaters have it out for Johnathan, the Weatherman from Texas (I didn't know what his name was until I read Jamie's recap this AM.) They hate each other hardcore, you guys. Weatherman thinks Craig M is dangerous and poison. He says in an interview that Craig M is a category 6 a-hole. Is that a weather reference I hear? Well now I want him to win just for saying that. He also calls him a jerk-off like 20 times. It's poetry in motion.

Weatherman wants to save Ali from Craig M's crazy and tells her all about him. During the cocktail party, Ali tries to call Craig M out on his behavior and asks if he's really there for her (those of you who are playing the B'ette drinking game -- DRINK!) and he says, "yeah, sort of, I mean I'm here to make some bros and then to romance you when I get the chance". Then he gives her the Joker smile and laughs off any talk of being dangerous or psychotic.

And immediately calls the guys together to find out who told Ali he was dangerous. Have these guys ever seen this show before? This happens on the daily, every season. He's very Al Pacino in the Godfather in this scene what with his three piece suit and scary smile and maybe a hidden gun. I'm just sayin'. The intense confrontation is interspersed with Weatherman talking head shots in which he discusses how much he does NOT want to get punched in the face because it's his livelihood. His face is his livelihood. Because he's a weatherman.Precious. It's all just too much for me, and apparently for Chris Harrison, too. He steps in and tells the dudes that Ali is ready to make her decisions.

Ali chooses some guy named Steve I've never seen before, a bunch of other guys whose names I'm not bothering to learn, a rico-suave guy named Roberto -- now come on, can we just call him Rob? But I do enjoy me some Rob. He's charming. Final rose is between Weatherman and Craig M. Weatherman gets it.

Craig M, we lost you too soon. Even crazy psycho Michelle got to stay around until at least week three during Jake's season. And Jillian kept Dave around until he tried to cop a feel whilst drunk.

A moment of silence for Craig M and his puffy hair. We'll miss you.

Via ABC.com
Craig M. Bachelorette Contestant
May 24, 2010 - May 31, 2010