The Bachelorette: Episode Five - Cornball really WON'T help you win

 Tonight we're traveling to Iceland with Ali and her band of manwhores, a country that's  as frigid as Ali's cold, dead heart! Can I just say, first off, how disappointed I am that the NYC episode with marble mouth Kasey's song originally written by a homeless man aired when I was gone.

The episode starts with Chris Harrison phoning it in to the guys that they're headed to Iceland. They all hop on what appears to be a regular passenger plane, and on the tray tables are printed pronunciations of Icelandic words. One of the guys, or maybe Ali herself, says "I don't think anybody dreams of going to Iceland to find love," and truer words have never been spoken, except that most normal people wouldn't dream of going to a reality TV show to find love, either.

Kasey says something I don't understand and I tell him to spit out the dirty rags he's keeping in his mouth, and then Ali slurs something about the beauty of Iceland, using magical and amazing in one sentence. Get this girl a thesaurus, stat. Chris, throws the ol two-on-one monkey wrench into the plans, then tells the guys the one-on-one dates are where you want to be because they have control over that? There will also be a random and awkward group date.How do I know it will be random and awkward? Because I've seen this show before.

The guys will be competing for the one-on-one date, because Ali probably doesn't remember half their names (still) and needs some way to distinguish one guy from another other than "pretty boy with nice abs and blonde hair and pretty boy with nice abs and brown hair". They will write love poems for Ali and perform them like a group of Bohemian performers in the middle of a town square. Oh, Kasey has GOT THIS. He has cornered the market on cheesy love poems/songs. Chris says that the best poem will win the one-on-one date and if you add some Icelandic, you get extra credit. Which begs the question, what does "extra credit" mean in the context of this show, hmm? Methinks it relates to the hot tub.

The pull up a patch of frozen tundra and get to the business of waxing poetic about their feelings. That usually comes so naturally to men, so you know, this is a perfect challenge for Road Rules or whatever show we're watching now. Justin crutches around town to ask some locals for some real Icelandic phrases. Somebody PLEASE teach him some curse words. They are none too helpful and I think it's because they think he's a serial killer. How do you say "please don't cut out my kidney" in Icelandic?

Finally the challenge is over. Ali plops down on a park bench to find out what incredibly sincere things these guys have written about her  in a 30 minute time frame. Some guys go and then it's Kasey's turn. You can't understand a word he's saying (per usual) except I could make out "guard and protect your heart", or maybe I just made that up because he says it every 14 seconds. Kasey is the most cornball person who ever lived. Who is attracted to that kind of behavior? The guys rag on him. Somebody says his lips must be frozen because they need subtitles to understand. ABC hears his plea and adds subtitles. Dude, he ALWAYS sounds like this. Guess his lips were frozen in the permafrost of the LA Hills, too.

What if you were from Iceland and had never seen an American before, and you watch this debacle unfold before you. I'm afraid they think we're all like this group. Please forgive us, Iceland. We know not what we do.

Ali is over this whole poem thing in a real and intense way. It's Kirt's turn. He walks over to her, holds her hands, and relates her eye color to the shade of root beer, but Ali thinks he says "beer", so he's probably the winner. Frank is last and takes a page out of Kirt's book because Frank doesn't have a unique thought in his pea brain and walks over to Ali, putting his tiny little mittens all over her. After it's over, Ali berates all the guys who didn't physically touch her in some way, and chooses Kirt because she hadn't spent much time with him. Yay?

Frank sits around and complains about how  he hates seeing Ali with other guys. I know I'm beating a dead horse here, but why do these guys get jealous when she goes out on dates with other people? YOU ARE ON THE BACHELORETTE. Kasey joins the pity party and together they are a match made in stalker heaven. I have the best idea, you guys: a reality show with JUST Kasey and Frank where they meet women and come prematurely attached to them. Don't steal my idea.

The one-on-one date starts at a sweater company, because what screams "IT'S REALLY COLD AND ROMANTIC HERE" more than matching sweaters. Ali calls Kirt husband material, and I think it's the first time she's used the H word. Does this mean he's a contender? Kirt messes around, trying on some ridiculous vests from and flashing a little flannel nipple. Meanwhile, the shop owner weeps quietly in the back, wishing this terrible monstrosity would just leave him and his hard working family alone. They decide on precious matching sweaters.

They sit down for a little brunch and Ali starts grilling Kirt about his past. He hasn't dated somebody for over a year and she thinks it's weird and abnormal and surprising. Is not dating for a year that strange? Apparently it's like a crisis over in Ali-land because she's very concerned. He keeps putting her off when she asks why. I guessed last night that he killed a man just to watch him die and spent the last year in prison. Then took a prison lover.

Meanwhile, back at the Hotel of Debauchery, the guys receive their group date card. Everyone is on it, including somebody new: Chris N! Welcome to the Bachelorette, Chris N. Let me explain this to you. There is this girl, her name is Ali and she wears a weave, and she is choosing guys based on alcohol fueled lust and false expectations and...oh wait. You've been here from the beginning? Sorry, I just noticed you. Moving on.
The odd men out are Kasey and Justin, who will be participating in the disgusting cat-and-mouse game we call the two-on-one date. Ahh, Kasey and Justin. Good versus evil. Angel versus devil. Zima versus Wild Turkey. Justin says he's going to take him out, a la the wrestling world.


The one-on-one date continues as Ali presses Kirt for more info as to why he doesn't date. He starts his big confession by saying some meaningless words: "As long as you know where I'm coming from, you'll know where I'm going," and then he whispers NAILED IT and tosses the page of his "Inspirational Quote of the Day" calendar on the floor. He describes how he started getting very sick after moving into a dilapidated fraternity house and for 2.4 seconds I feel sorry for him. He says he went to specialists all over the country and no one knew what was wrong. I thought he was going to pull the cancer card. Finally he found out it was mold spore poisoning. From the frat house. All my sympathy went out the window into the cold, dark Icelandic night. Mold spores? That's, like, tragic and pathetic at the same time. And excuse me, what does this have to do with not dating for the past year? Did he JUST recover? I'm cornfused.

Ali is not cornfused. She has nothing else to say, so they suck face a little. He gets the rose.

We join Suicide Watch with Kasey and Frank, who are performing Ye Olde Crying While Looking Out a Window. I guess I missed the tattoo drama last week. I hope ABC paid him enough to get that bad boy removed after he's kicked off. He's got a case of the sads because he has to go toe-to-toe with the wrestler. Kasey, you know you don't' have to physically fight him for Ali, right? Frank is giving him really terrible cliche advice. Why would he do that when they are wooing the same girl? If I were Frank, I'd tell him something crazy and off the wall in order to sabotage him. Wait, Kasey's doing a great job of sabotaging himself by being corny and mushy.


On to the group date, where this week's rejects meet Ali and seven horses. Somebody says Ali looked unbelievable holding a horse, and that's officially the weirdest fetish ever on the Bachelorette. Chris L has a difficult time riding; he doesn't know anything about horses because, as Ali puts it, he's a Massachusetts boy through and through. She's qualified to say that because she's a country girl herself, EXCEPT SHE'S NOT AT ALL.  They ride until they find Chris Harrison's Lair of Evil, also known as a cave. Horseback riding and then spelunking....WHAT CRAZINESS IS NEXT?

Meanwhile, back at the Hotel of Debauchery, Justin has added Medical Doctor alongside Entertainment Wrestler on resume by making the decision to have his cast taken off and replaced with a walking boot. It's just marginally more romantic. He then throws away his crutches in a public trashcan. that's OK, let Iceland deal with it.

Back at Harrison's Lair, Chris L decides to grow some balls and take care of Ali by going first. Chris N (I think) says he's nervous going into the hole and that's the the Weatherman said *rim shot*.  They all go in and Frank turns into a prissy little girl, but then has a mini-meltdown because he came all the way to Iceland to fall in love and he hasn't gotten any one-on-one time because the other guys are helping her. Well? Then help her! Ali interviews that if Frank doesn't want to step up, it's not her problem; She can't wait for him to make a move when one of these other guys could be her husband. Won't that be a fun story to tell, should she end up marrying Frank: "Remember when we went on that hike through a cave in Iceland and I ignored you ahahahahaha that was great!"

Finally they get through the cave, have a picnic lunch in their snowsuits and make a trek to the famed Iceland hot springs. Ali just freaking strips off her snowsuit right then and there and has apparently been wearing a bikini underneath -- and nothing else. I wonder if it's difficult finding your popped out eyeballs when it's so dark? These guys are disrobing so fast. One guy almost forgets to put some shorts on. Roberto jumps in first because he's a Latin LOVAH and then Iceland cries one single tear because they are using the country's beautiful springs as a hot tub sex den. Ali is drunkface while she water humps Ty. She asks what his favorite part of the day was and he tries not to say WHEN YOU TOOK YOUR CLOTHES OFF. Chris L feels cloudy headed, of course it must be Ali and not the 18 bottles of champagne being drunk in hot springs -- that's why they have the warnings on hot tubs, people!

Frank's crazy reaches the boiling point and finally they get time together. She calls him out for not being around during the group dates. She slurs a little and then they stare at each other. Frank finally discovers he has to "fight for her" because apparently he's on a reality show competition! He didn't realize that! No wonder there are so many other guys!

She picks up the rose and says it's a  beauty and the beast rose and she is just the drunkest bachelorette EVER. I thought Jillian was bad, but sister does NOT hold her liquor well. I think Ty gets it but honestly I wasn't paying attention.

Next is the always creepy two-on-one date. Justin talks about how he strong armed some poor Icelandic doctor into taking off his cast and is ready to party!  They take another helicopter ride in which she forgets she's afraid of flying, and head to the volcano. Wise Owl Ali says,  "You think you know what a volcano is all about, but you really don't until you see it." After they talk about the volcano and Kasey says some cheesy things about how it's as amazing as Ali, they all get super serious about this date.

They head to another cave that has been nicely appointed with some ice furniture and candles. Only on this show. Ice palace looks uncomfortable. The ice love seat has room for two only, so Justin and Ali take the opportunity for a little one-on-one time. I so wish Kasey would try to slip in there with them. What is Kasey doing while Justin is on the couch? Oh, waiting outside in the snow and coughing.

Ali joins Kasey on his snow pile for some one-on-one time and they are all sniffling and coughing and I hope they all get pnemonia or mold poisoning and die. Ali interviews that all he has to do is be normal. That doesn't sound to difficult....for a normal person! He shows her the tattoo and she gives him the blank "you're a crazy person get away from me" face. Ali says his Mom will kill him and he says his mom will instead be very proud of him. I bet his mom is like, an upside down broom with a mumu on or one of those lifesize dolls.

Ali is all, peace out girl scout, you're too crazy for my blood. She chooses Justin. Sociopath trumped clinically insane today. We start to see a little of Justin's evil side, because he says 2 roses were given - one for Justin and one for Rated R, then he does the Joker smile and laugh. Creeper! They take off in their helicopter of love and leave Kasey just chillin'....LITERALLY...on the side of this volcano! I mean really! Is he going to walk home from Iceland? Good luck with that.

Cock-TAIL party: It's the time of the night when they start getting super gross and pissing all over her like dogs marking their territory. Frank steals her first and empties his bladder. She talks to Frank about Justin, cause that's what you want to talk about during your 13 seconds of one-on-one time. They say "i miss you" when they have nothing else to say. Reuinited and it feels soooooooooo good.

Craig's turn for the last ditch effort, since he's been on nothing but group dates. I have a book for you..it's called...she's just not into you...Kasey wrote it. He draws a tattoo on his wrist the same place Kasey had his, and she laughs. She can't believe how funny he is. She can't remember his name.

Chris N talks and she tries to keep her eyes open. He says that former girlfriends think he's really funny and then he stares at her. And then says he likes Mexican food. And then he says that's all he can think of. Oh, brother, you're out.  The boys are discussing the body language betwixt Ali and Chris N, and decide it is saying "friends who meet up brunch once a year" instead of "lovers". And it's said without one single hint of irony. Roberto is the only guy she is truly smitten with. I have to admit, I'm a little smitten too. She wants his hot bod something terrible.

Chris Harrison is working hard for the money this week! He earns his keep this week by playing a little "armchair psychiatrist". He asks the tough questions, like "what are you afraid of?" and offers little gems like "but you can't be afraid to fall in love."

Rose time. Chris N leaves, to the surprise of no one because I polled Twitter and nobody knew who the heck he was. So Craig gets a reprieve for one more week. Congrats, Chris N, you out boring-ed Craig!

Next week -- literally fighting for her and finally....SOME DRAMA.