Don't get sad this Valentine's Day

Hi.

Hello.

Happy Valentine's Day to you.

Oh. You hate Valentine's Day, you say. It drives you into a deep, powerful depression? Is it because you're lonely? Hate crowds? Allergic to roses?

Well, I"m here to tell you, on this beautiful holiday (with promotional considerations from Hallmark, Russell Stover and the Olive Garden)(because isn't that where people go for romantic dates?)(I need to get out more), that it's closing time for your pity party -- you don't have to go home, but you CAN'T STAY HERE FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF.

Feel sorry for Charlie Sheen instead.

Sure, you might not have a boyfriend, girlfriend or husband. Or maybe you're the only person in your office who didn't recieve $50 roses delivered straight to your cubicle. But it could be worse.

You could have recently been rushed to the hospital after smoking and snorting a briefcase full of coke while partying in the room in your mansion dubbed the "Porn Room" with -- surprise, surprise -- porn stars. Then you could have been released from the hospital into "in-home rehab", which I'm sorry, sounds pretend.

And the porn stars look down and pity you.

And you could have just finalized your third divorce in 15 years.

And the only real success you've had since the 80s, a TV show that's inexplicably popular, could be cancelled because you can't get your crap together.

And when somebody Googles you, these searches could come up:

In 0.12 seconds, Google could pull up a search presuming you're dead. And on any given day, that could be 60% true.

So this year, don't get sad face about this wonderful day, this tribute to true love. Call someone and tell them you love them, then embrace the fact that you aren't Charlie Sheen.

There's always a table open at the Olive Garden.

For your Halloween enjoyment, I present the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Opulence. They has it.

Bravo has graciously given us another gaggle of *frightful* women who have decidedly more money than sense. I can't figure out how this one is different than the original Real Housewives of OC, because the new crew all seem just as tanned, fake and *zombie*-like as the original OCs, but somehow it's different. Let's not question Bravo's motives too closely, shall we?

Meet the characters:

• Lisa VanderPump-Todd - "Restaurant Owner" "Entrepreneur" "Dog owner" (the last one is for real). Apparently, a type of Beverly Hills rich lady whose children have long left the nest and replaced them with dogs. Tiny, skittish little dogs. With bows and sweaters who drink Fuiji water out of gold plated bowls and who poop in handbags that cost more than my entire closet of clothing. She lives in a palatial home with her husband, a crap-ton of dogs, and a personal trainer/friend/hanger-on/squatter/possibly gay BFF who is approximately 30 years younger. Don't worry, her husband is cool with it. Unless he's not gay, in which case he might have a Situation on his hands. Lisa hasn't seen her original face since 1982.

• Adrienne Maloof-Nassif - Part of some high-powered West Coast family who owns, like, half of Vegas and the Sacramento Kings. She's also kind of bad ass -- like she did some ninja karate move on her son and slammed him on the ground just so she could prove to her plastic surgeon husband that she was a tough broad (mission...accomplished) *spooky*

• Kyle Richards - Famous for being an "actress" in the 70s. Also Paris Hilton's aunt. Also likes to make babies when she's not working. *spooky*

• Kim Richards - Famous for being in Escape from Witch Mountain when she was a child, never learned any type of social interaction skills, and now has tons of money, lots of kids and lungs that are filled with helium (apparently) (judging by the way she talks) (which is super annoying) (and she also hates everyone). *spooky*

• Camille Grammer - Married to Kelsey Grammer for one hot second, or enough hot seconds for her to have two children with him. OH WAIT. She didn't actually give birth to her children, she had them via surrogate even though she was perfectly capable of having them herself, just didn't want to lose her figure. I'm not making that up. And let's just say, Camille Grammer probably could use a hamburger. *spooky*

• Taylor Armstrong - I still can't figure out what she does. Wikipedia says she's founder of eImplement, Inc. That sounds made up. And Wikipedia can't even find that as it's own entry not associated with this show. And my high school in the hills of WV has an entry, and we only had 400 people total in the whole school, so I'm questioning the legitimacy of eImplement Inc. We all know that Wikipedia does not lie. Anyway, Taylor also likes to get botox in her temples so that it looks like she has face tumors, and stir the *cauldron* of drama amongst these lovely, *goulish* ladies. *spooky*

• A very  Scary and Rich *Boogey* Monster - Married to a hotelier and spends her days shopping, designing shoes for her new line of stilettos, and scaring innocent young children by jumping out of their closets during the witching hour.

In the first episode, the ladies take a trip to Sacramento to watch a Kings game courtside, and while they are *cackling*, *howling* and doing some funky-fresh dance moves with the mascot, some Joe Schmo, the most die-hard Kings fan on the planet, who saved weekly for months for a crappy nosebleed seat, silently weeps all his facepaint off into his #1 foam finger. *spooky*

Then before or after - I don't know, there was so much awesome that it all blended together - the ladies went to a classy restaurant and acted foolish while Kim demonstrated her competence in the art of bitchface and Lisa's dog licked everyone's plates. *spooky*

 Oh, also in the episode, Kim (whose hair I would seriously cut someone for), talks about how one time, she was out to dinner with her niece, PARIS HILTON, and the papparazi was all, KIM! KIM! Over here! And PARIS HILTON was all, "Um, Aunt  Kim why are they taking pictures of you and not me?" and the Paps said, "Don't forget PARIS HILTON, your Aunt Kim was here first!" and Kim was all, "that's right, niece PARIS HILTON, I was here first!" (snaps fingers in the air in the shape of a Z)(What a sad, pitiful little life she leads.)

 Later, at Kim's house, she's getting ready to move into a haunted house house that's way too big and expensive for her (it's not necessary for me to make this show scarier than it already is), and her sister Kyle comes over to help her move and they suddenly start screaming at each other about how the other is really ungrateful, and color me confused with the problems of rich people.

So there you go. If that isn't as scary as your regular, everyday SCREAM or Nightmare on Elm Street, I don't know what is.

Can anyone who is familiar with the culture and society of Beverly Hills and/or Orange County explain to me how these two shows are different? Doesn't Real Housewives of Atlanta basically trump both of them? How appropriate is this show for Halloween, anyway?

Getting my word on! Play along!

tagging in (har har har)

My friend and old sorority sister, Miranda, tagged me in a "getting to know you" type of post! I'm still working on a doooo-hooo-sey of a post about my childbirth education classes, which, even if your not pregnant, get thyself to one of those bad boys post haste because they are hiiiiiilarious. So anyway, while I'm working on that, get to know me a little better with these questions Miranda came up with!

1.  What is your daily routine like? What time to you get up, go to bed, dinner routine, etc.

  

I am definitely a creature of habit. My routine goes a little something like this: get up at 7 to get ready for work. Get to work at 8 (takes about 20 minutes or so to get there). Work until 5. Come home and fix dinner. Clean up dinner. Take a shower. Watch whatever trash is on TV. Go to bed around 11. I bet y'all thought my life was infinitely more exciting, didn't you? Well it can't be all frosty taste tests all the time, people. 

The weekend goes a little something like this: Get up at 9, eat breakfast, watch football -- I mean "watch" as in read magazines while my husband watches. Sometimes there is a little laundry thrown in there. Saturday is bed sheet changing/washing day, so I do some of that. Lunch, then a NAP that usually lasts 2 hours or more. That's just how we roll. Then we mess around the house, eat dinner, watch more football, and I basically dont' get dressed at all for an entire day.

2.  What are things you do with your family for fun.  And for those of you with children, what fun things to you like to do with your kids?

 Clearly, I can't yet be too active with my child, but as far as Hubby and I go, we love to travel and see new places. We've been traveling together for almost 6 years and love experiencing new places together. Although I don't love sports, I do love seeing new sports stadiums and the cities they are in. He loves history, so we see lots of forts and battlefields, which even I can get into. We love cities with "charm": Savannah and Nashville are some of our favorites. We've been all over the South East, but on our list are Boston, NYC, Philadelphia, etc. We always wanted to go to Memphis, so that's on our list. And of course, we still have to explore the West. Our dream trip is to start in Washington or Oregon (we have a friend there) and just drive down the coast. I would love to see L.A. Also on our agenda: London, Italy, Germany, Greece. So either we'll be putting it off for a few years or our son will be a world traveler early.

3.  What are your FAVORITE holiday traditions?

I really and truly love the holidays. Thanksgiving, you've got the the parade, the turkey, stuffing, rolls, GRAVY, green bean casserole (the only way I'll eat green beans), pumpkin pie, and carb comas. And maybe this year birthin' a baby. And then Christmas: I love the lights, the decorations, the smell of cinnamon, cookies, fudge and of course the birth of my Lord and Savior. My family always made Christmas season so special. We put up the tree usually the first Friday after Thanksgiving. We'd order pizza and unwrap every ornament individually, usually talking about the memories attached to it. Although my sister will tell you I rarely put AN ornament up, which is sort of true. 

My favorite tradition is probably opening up gifts after Christmas Eve service. When I was a little girl, we used to go to the midnight service then come home and open our gifts from the family (so our "santa gifts" were main attraction on Christmas day). Yes, that meant finishing the unwrapping at 2 am. Christmas morning always included cinnamon rolls and watching Christmas specials all morning. Now that our baby will be here, Christmas will be a little different, but 

4.  What do you do when you want to relax and have some "me time" ?

I'll do one of two things: read blogs or watch TV. If Hubby isn't around, I will add eating Chipotle or some other place he doesn't like and painting my toes to that list. If it's summer (and especially if I'm near a pool), I love laying in the sun and reading a book or magazine. There's nothing more relaxing than that to me.

5.  What is one of your favorite books you've read so far?

Ohh, this one is tough because I can't remember the last time I read a good book. I used to read every second of the day before my Hubby came along, but he's sort of hyperactive. I really enjoyed all the Harry Potter books, and I'm always drawn to "chick lit" -- beach books. 

6.  What is your biggest guilty pleasure?

Obviously, I adore reality TV:

• Dancing with the Stars 
• Intervention, Project Runway, Austin & Santino, Jersey Shore
• Toddlers & Tiaras
• The Bachelor and Bachelorette
• Random celebrity gossip as seen on E! TV, including but not limited to E! News and E! True Hollywood story
• And my latest, Say Yes to the Dress, which kicks so much tail.
• Friends, 30 Rock or How I Met Your Mother  DVDs

Honestly, if given the opportunity and an E!THS marathon, I will watch this kind of thing for hours on end. 


So hope you guys enjoyed learning a little more about me, and now I want to learn about you!

1. Do you like sports or do you want to murder-train them? Which sports are your favorite, if you do like them?
2. Which is better, chocolate or vanilla?
3. What was your favorite vacation you've ever taken?
4. If you could go the rest of your life without hearing about ONE  celebrity or public figure, like if that person ceased to exist, which person would it be?
5. Do you enjoy TV watching, and if so, what's your all time favorite show?
6. What's your favorite kind of music?

And I'm tagging: 


Sarah @ Princess & the Blog
Brooke @ Building a Kingston Castle
Jayme @ Random Blogette
Cher @ The Only Girl
Jamie @ Daydream Believer
Cathy @ Antsy Pants
KLZ @ Taming Insanity

Please don't feel obligated to post, and also if I haven't tagged you and you want to do this, please do! I know some of us in the blog-o-sphere have been feeling the bloggy blues lately and this might just be the thing to perk y'all up!


OH, and if you haven't noticed (especially if you're reading this in Reader), clicky on the old blog and look to the left and gaze upon my button. 

My blog button, you pervs. 

It was created by Miranda via her new blog business, Little Sailor Designs! She does blogger blog designs and is just great to work with. Check her out.

My biggest fear has 6 legs

When I was younger, my biggest fear was failure.

I was always worried that I wouldn't be good enough, that I'd be broke, or fired, or dumped. All that equaled failure to me, and it was terrifying.

Then I got dumped. Then I graduated from college, and then graduated from college again with my Masters degree. Then I got married. Then I got laid off. So, once you've experienced a good amount of both successes and failures and realize that it's not the end of the world when you do fail and that you CAN succeed, it's time to get a new biggest fear.

Around that time we moved to Florida, and a terrifying new world opened to me: a world with lots of legs, antennae and pre-historic looking exoskeletons.

The world of roaches.

Now, nothing in this world frightens me as much as cockroaches. Lizards? Love em. Mice? I mean, not my favorite but whatever. Snakes? Please stay away, but I am only mildly scared.

When I see a cockroach, I scream like I'm being stabbed with a butter knife, and it's not just one scream, it's a long, drawn out, "there-is-a-serial-killing-clown-in-our-garage-please-someone-help" scream. I run and slam doors. I refuse to step foot in our garage where they love to chill near the trash can. Sometimes I scream at the thought of them being there. If they are in the house FOR-GET it. I will have a panic attack on your ass, TRUST ME.

Back in WV it seems like we had an ant problem every spring, and as much as they grossed me out, I always sort of felt sorry for them. They were just harmless babies of the insect world, trying to find a delicious meal of cereal or rice to take back to their queen. And good on them for picking up that giant piece of cat food that's 14 billion times their size and carrying it all the way back to their nest.

But cockroaches? To me, cockroaches are a sign of dirty-ness and living in squalor. Cockroaches are scavengers and harbingers of disease.

And they are also apparently all around and COMPLETELY NORMAL. One of my co-workers has them in her mailbox, so when she opens it they scatter and then she reaches in and gets her mail. OVER MY DEAD BODY would I EVER get the mail again. I'd be all, credit card companies, sorry, but you're just going to have to wait for my payment because the cockroaches are currently holding my mail hostage with their tiny little feet and 18 kneecaps. Sick.

Apparently there is nothing you can do -- they are just a part of life down there in the dirty South (is THAT why it's called the dirty South??). I was talking about (what I believe to be) our cockroach infestation and what we were planning on doing to about it and my work friend said, "well good luck with that. Nothing helps. They'll leave in the winter."


O.M.G.

Here is a chart to express my hatred of cockroaches:

TRUE STORY ALERT: This weekend I was home alone, right? And so I was getting ready to shower before bed, took my contacts out, turned the water on and noticed  A GIANT COCKROACH on the wall above the shower. I called my husband and was sobbing about this darn cockroach because what am I supposed to do? It's my biggest fear COME TO LIFE and staring me in the face. I asked him to come home from his conference, but when he told he he couldn't do that, I had him walk me step by step through the process of killing the cockroach dead. It included multiple steps, starting with "throw a magazine at it" and "hit it with a shoe".


Then after I killed it, I put on my glasses and discovered it was actually a beetle.


IT COULD HAVE BEEN A COCKROACH, you guys. You have to be diligent about those nasty things.


According to British researchers at the University of Nottingham's School of Veterinary Medicine and Science, cockroaches could be the key to fending off harmful, drug-resistant bacteria (DO NOT CLICK ON THIS IF YOU ARE TERRIFIED OF COCKROACHES OR GROSSED OUT BY BUGS).

I'm sorry, but e coli is one billion and a half times better than cockroaches.

What is your biggest fear? Do you hate insects? What do you think is worse than cockroaches?

Let's discuss this situation again, shall we?

On Friday I wrote a post defining the word asshat. I think I need to revisit this topic, even though talking about the Jersey Shore really gives me a creepy restless legs syndrome type feeling. 

This picture has to be a sign of the Apocalypse. 

Firstly, it turns out that the Situation himself, Mr. Mike Sorrentino, PHD, Esquire, President of the Misogynists of America club, man about town, did not actually follow my husband on Twitter. It's actually a fan of Mike Sorrentino who just tweets about his performance on Dancing With the Stars. I wish there was more to that story and trust me, I tried. I followed the person myself and attempted to bait her with derogatory comments about DWTS but alas, nothing. It's really disappointing, but the good, Twitter news is that Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus are now following me on Twitter, so get your Christmas wishes and dreams into my comments section ASAP.

Secondly, I'd like to delve in a little deeper to the nickname "the Situation". There are things that can be considered a situation and other things that are not so much a situation.

SITUATION: Some baked beans that have been sitting in your fridge for about a month and a half and have become a really disgusting science experiment.. Neither you nor your husband have the iron clad fortitude to dump out the beans into the trash and clean the Tupperware, and at the same time are so committed to your Tupperware that you don't want to just toss it. Thus, a situation.

NOT A SITUATION: Mike Sorrentino's abdominal muscles.

SITUATION: Being 8 months pregnant and not being able to physically roll over in bed without substantial effort, and then you realize your phone is in the other room, so the options are to use every last ounce of energy and effort to get the phone or play "When will my phone die?" all day the next day. Thus, a situation.

NOT A SITUATION: Mike Sorrentino's "little Mike Sorrentino" if you catch my drift. 

SITUATION: You're an investment banker who lost his job and now has to deliver pizzas for Papa Johns.You're driving down the street and realize something.....is missing....and that's when you realize you dropped the pizza hot bag or whatever it's call, WITH a pizza, in the middle of a busy intersection AT rush hour, and have to park your car in traffic, sprint 500 yards in your Papa John's shirt and visor, pick up the pizza and hope nobody realizes that you screwed up probably the easiest job in the world. Thus, a situation that I actually witnessed yesterday after work.

NOT A SITUATION:  Relying on your quickly fleeing and questionable "good looks" to pick up women instead of having a personality in any way, shape or form. 

OMG look what I found in my search for some Mike Sorrentino pictures on Google  Machine!

Epic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The phrase "What situation, exactly?" has blown up like WILDFIRE on the Interwebs (and, I'd like to believe helped me get promoted in the nerd mafia). I'd like you to just try it on for size. Let it burn into your brain like so many STDS burn up the urethra's of the Jersey Shore folks. It fits almost all situations. See what I did there? Some examples:

AT WORK: "Shoot." "What's the situation, exactly?" "My fax won't go through."

WHILST WATCHING TV: "Who do you want to be kicked off DWTS?" "I want the situation to be that The Situation gets kicked off." *which is an actual conversation my sister and I just had via text*

I'm sure y'all can think of more.

BIG BLOGWORTHY NEWS. Thursday, get ready for a first on this site....my first sponsored, coast-to-coast, taste test VLOG. That's right, a vlog. I had to wait for a good hair day before I committed to that mess. Get READY to taste it!

Bet your local news is better than mine

Today I'm going to talk about asshats.

The people you see daily who wear their asses for a hat.

I'm sure you guys see them every day at work, at the grocery store, whilst sitting in traffic. Maybe even sometimes at your own home when your husband won't UNLOAD THE DISHWASHER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD THERE ISN'T SOME MAGIC DISHWASHING FAIRY THAT DOES IT.

Ahem.

This post is to help us better define what it means to be an asshat.

Gross

You know who is a big ol asshat? Lindsay Lohan. Really Lindsay, you couldn't make it to 30 days of sobriety before you failed a drug test. I don't know who on earth she's paying off, but I don't think I've ever seen a person, celebrity or not, who have ruined as many chances as she has. She's like a cat with 9 lives. The latest is after she failed the drug test she was out boozin' it up with her paid friends -- I mean, assistants -- and Tweeted about how sorry she was for letting everyone down and how she wanted to take full responsiblity. But not full responsibility for actually crafting the message, because according to US Weekly (which as you know NEVER gets anything wrong), her assistants helped her write it instead of her team of publicists, which begs the question, what exactly is she paying them for?

Asshats are people who have multiple assistants, yet have no discernible responsibilities or job. And giggle while they are confessing to failing a drug test.

Gross.

Last night Hubby and I were getting ready to go to bed and he checked his phone one last time. Smart phones are a blessing and a curse. I was half asleep and I hear him say WOAH!

Hub: "The Situation" is following me on Twitter. I followed a bunch of people from  Dancing With the Stars [TIME OUT here: he claims he does not enjoy Dancing With the Stars, but tell me then, why is it he'd follow them on the twat, hmmm? A mystery for another day.]
Me: He's probably one of those people who follow everyone who follows him.
Hub: I didn't follow him though. I followed others but not him because he's stupid.

So basically "The Situation" sought my husband out on Twitter for what reason...so he could get one more follower? Something stinks here, and I don't think it's Axe Body Spray and vodka...smells like...desperation.

Let's talk for one moment about "The Situation" and his nickname. Dude, your name is Michael. Mike. Let's get real, Mike: nobody created that name for you -- YOU made up your OWN nickname and it doesnt' even make sense.

My blog friends have amazing nicknames. BBCD? That makes sense. Random Blogette? That makes sense. Chicken? That makes sense.

But "The Situation"? What situation, exactly? Is it his abs? His tan? His hair? I don't understand. Am I too old to understand? Maybe his situation is how terribly he treats women. Now that would make sense.

*Breaking news!  Apparently it is not the REAL "The Situation" but a "The Situation" imposter! well he's still an asshat if for no other reason that that ridiculous nickname. Definition updated to reflect this news.*

An asshat is also someone who creates a lame nickname for himself and then follows random people in a desperate attempt to increase his Twitter followers and thus his quickly ticking 15 minutes of fame.

Then, locally, there is a TV station who basically hires students all the live long day to stink up the place with their terrible reporting and inability to use a professional camera. It's like a comedy that is always renewed and never goes on summer hiatus. We were watching the other night and two things were notable:

1. One of the anchors not only has a severe case of bitchface, but also has recently gotten extensions. Let's just say that HD does not treat this lady well. You could hang a hammock in her frown lines and sit a spell. She clearly hates her co-anchor -- think Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy after they break up (and if you haven't seen it, what's wrong with you? go rent it now!) So anyway, sisterfriend had short hair and then suddenly the next day it's 6 inches longer. Lady -- you are on TV. We can see the change. Horse hair in HD is not a good look for you. You ain't no spring chicken.
   
2. The sports DIRECTOR is like, 14 years old. Or at least he looks 14 years old. Now I am thankful for good genes that make me look a little younger than I really am; however, I ain't no director of nothing. This guy looked like yesterday he was downing a bottle of formula and rocking quietly in a baby swing and then today put on his big boy pants and became sports director. It's like he crawled out of the womb with a microphone in his hand and on to the terrible set made of cheap Plexiglas, silver spray paint and dreams. The worst part is that he didn't have the fainest idea what was going on. I'm shocked he doesn't just wander around the set interviewing the desk or something.

An asshat is someone who goes for the cheap extensions even though her livelihood is in high-definition. And also someone who gets a promotion even though he is basically an infant. 


Actually, maybe I'm just a little jealous of that last one.


How do you define asshat?

This post has been a part of Word Up, Yo!, a vocabulary meme. Go play along!

Dear Gretchen from Project Runway

Anybody following Project Runway this season?

I really don't like Gretchen.

Besides the fact that she's largely untalented and a little bit of a harpie, the following things need to happen with her in my personal and professional opinion and also the opinion of my sister:

- She needs to eat a hamburger (or two)
- She needs a good haircut
- She needs to lay off the meth, there are clinics for that.
- She could make do with some makeup. A spot of rouge, a sweep of mascara, a dab of gloss.
- She needs to buy some clothes at somewhere other than a thrift shop.

Then there is also the show On the Road with Austin and Santino, two contestants from old Project Runways, a show that makes me question my faith in what is real and what is a sketch comedy skit.

He looks just like a porcelain doll. A FABULOUS porcelain doll.

This show both fascinates and appalls me. My sister and I watched WAY too many episodes of this and then neither one could erase the imagine of this entirely too beautiful man from our brains. The premise is that these two guys "road trip" to small towns in the Midwest and teach some rubes how to be fabulous by making them ball gowns and cocktail dresses out of found items. Like literally, stuff they find that can be turned into various types of fabric. But I get way too distracted by Austin's alabaster skin and high, pink cheekbones. I just wish he would take a trip to Gretchen's hometown and teach her a thing or two about makeup and clothes.

We also watched Toddlers and Tiaras. It's clear that I have a love/hate relationship with this show, but it inspired me to do a "sassy pout" for my sister's camera:

Additionally, look how ginormous my belly looks.

So there's that.

What else? Oh, how could I almost forget the breathtaking spoiled-ness of the ladies of Say Yes to the Dress - Atlanta. Oh MERCY, do those women have problems only found in a first world nation. Tell me, how many of you have ever uttered the phrase "I already have two wedding dresses, but I just don't like them, so I'm here at this upscale boutique where dresses START at $1500 because Daddy wants his little girl to be happy on her special day"? I can imagine almost 100% of you have not, but 80% of the brides on this show have.

An example of "southern charm":



However, there is one extra bright spot to this show and that is Monte, the fashion director of the company. He is all kinds of awesome. He basically swoops in when a bride isn't sure that $5000 is worth it, "jacks her up" with a veil and some earrings, and guilts her into buying. It's phenomanal and I want Monte in my life always as a life coach. I want him to "jack up" my ideas and make everyone agree.

What do all these random shows have in common? They were all on the playlist of my Super Special Sister Saturday. I think Teen Mom was also on there for one hot minute, too. Random entertainment for some random girls.

Do you watch any of these shows? If you're married, how many wedding dresses did you have? Do you wish Toddlers & Tiaras would go die a fiery death?

This post has been a part of Word Up, Yo!, a vocabulary meme. Go play along!

Who wants to watch TV with me

My hubby went on a baseball trip this weekend with some friends. While he's gone, I like to watch stuff he doesn't like. Here are some random, snarky thoughts I had whilst watching some of my guilty pleasures:

Intervention

• QUIT GIVING HIM MONEY.
• Clearly, it's not so much your son's drug problem that's making you poor so much as the $100,000 you've lost on the slot machines.

Friends

• The best thing about the first season this show is the plethora of bibbed overalls.
• You can tell it's 1995 because 1) they are super excited about Monica's pager and 2) Rachael runs straight up to the gate to tell Ross she loves him and if that took place in 2010, they'd stop her faster than you can say 'that pretty girl is a terrorist!'

Jersey Shore

• Is there something wrong with these people? There is NO way they act this rambunctious in real life.
• They make HOW MUCH per episode?
• My, my, my, Snookie is just effervescent.
• How much does Miami hate this, I wonder.
• I wish there would be a Very Special Episode of  Intervention staring the entire cast of Jersey Shore as the people being intervened. 
• Seriously, I sort of want to put Snookie in my pocket and bring her out just when I need a giggle.

E! True Hollywood Story

• Aw. Kendra's alright. Just a wife and Mom who made some interesting  and unique decisions in life.
• WHY AM I CRYING OVER THE KENDRA E! THS?
• A Charlie Sheen E!THS right after Kendra's E!THS? It's my lucky day!
• Hey! I didn't know Charlie Sheen dated Kelly Preston!

Project Runway

• I wonder how many Frostys Heidi Klum had while she was pregnant. My guess would be -10.
• Maybe I should buy a sewing machine and make my own clothes....
• Oh for crying out loud, quit sobbing about being sent home SECOND.  Your clothes were crappy anyway. God, I haven't seen this many tears on a reality show since the Bachelor.

The Bachelorette: The Last Episode - Pretty sure Roberto is a werewolf

Now, I know you were all expecting a Bachelorette recap but you ain't getting it because those things were sucking all the joy from my Tuesdays. Instead,on this hot summer day, let's discuss the following:  how hot as fire is Roberto anyway?

Photo from this site.

Let's recap ROBERTO, shall we? Baseball player. Latin LOVAH. Speaker of numerous foreign languages. Sayer of things like "I hope I can watch a thousand more sunsets with you." Salsa dancer. All-around hottie. Far too nice and sexy for Ali, but what can you do? I had been reading spoilers that said she picks no one, so this was a little bit of a surprise for me, but I like it. I like surprises.

I'd like to now share with you the conversation and discovery JP and I made two weeks ago regarding our dear friend Roberto. She is a Twilight fan and was filling me in about the last book, which she'd just read. Later:

JP: I dont' want a vampire, I want a werewolf. That looks like Taylor. Find that for me, Amanda.
Me: Listen, you get one or the other; a regular Joe who looks like Taylor or a werewolf.
JP: Ok, a Taylor L. No, actually I'm not settling, I want both. And if Regular Joes look like Taylor, I'd like to live in whatever world you live in that this occur.
Me: It's the same world where the Bachelorette is real and these things happen.
Me: Why is Roberto so perfect?
JP: I want him to be in my life.
Me: I want him to be in your life too. Maybe he's a werewolf. Would that do?
JP: MAYBE HE IS. omg-- I bet he is Amanda!
Me: It explains a lot.
JP: We totally just scooped the shit out of US weekly.
Me: Should we email them? I can just see the front page: "Ali's Final Pick - What's his secret?"
JP: yes! Ask for money first, though. "Roberto's Fuzzy Past."
JP: Why is Roberto so sweaty in that one talking head shot?
Me: Apparently he's all sweat, all the time. Probably sweating because he's afraid she'll discover he's a werewolf.
JP: Obviously. And werewolves have hot bodies. Like, hot as in temperature.

So we figured out his big dark secret, but a little too late because now it's over and they are living in San Diego (apparently) in their little rented love nest and will live happily ever after on an insurance agent's salary, considering Ali "gave up everything" including her source of income (and she has a little too long of a wait for Dancing With the Stars). Farewell, Ali, it's been a great  mind numbing journey.

UPDATE:

Jayme reminded me that I forgot probably the most tragic-slash-unintentionally hilarious part of this whole season: the use of "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" from the Lion King as the closing song, played over a montage of all the moments of True Love between Ali and Roberto this season. Really now. It's like sometimes TPTB at ABC don't even *try* to make anyone take them seriously. Even funnier? The interpretive dance my hubby did to said song (far more amusing than even two seconds of the Bachelorette). As she said in her comment, they probably used it because Ali and Bert (I'm calling him that now) "starred" in Lion King on Broadway, but way to make us reach back far into our memories of this atrocious season and remember that little nugget. Already done been purged, people.

The Bachelorette Episode 8: There are other states besides MA & CA? Tell me more...

*sigh* This season is just dragging on forever, isn't it? I'm going to make this one pretty quick because I tried to write it all day and all night but was just too tired to be funny. Tired from what, you ask? PAYING ATTENTION TO THIS SHOW. Seriously, I think the Bachelorette sucks the energy right out of me. It's either Ali or my unborn child. It's taken me all day and lots of chocolate to get the energy to fire up my laptop to write this. True story. And then a truer story is this: I got so exhausted from moving my fingers and using my brain that I called it a night and am finishing this on Wednesday. Pathetic. I should have my blog license taken away.

My hubby watched with me, and by watched I mean he played on his laptop while I watched and sometimes made funny comments. They are so worth it, so I'll put them in bold so y'all who hate this show and my long-winded recaps can just scan the page for his witticisms. Leave him some love because he's so excited to be featured.

Tonight is the hometown dates. Ali starts out in Tampa to see our Latin lova, Roberto. Ali is so impressed with this state, what's it called again? Florida? She's never spent time in Florida, but she's driven through it. To WHERE? It goes nowhere. Tampa is on the way to more of Florida. Unless we're talking the Florida panhandle, you don't just drive through this state on the way to somewhere better.

They are wearing matching plaid, is that even in style? Do people wear plaid? He takes her to a baseball field at the University of Tampa, where he played ball in college. What on earth can I say that's bad about this? I mean he's adorable and a baseball player. He's pretty much amazing. He runs out in a baseball uniform and gives Ali a baseball jersey of her own. It's like 14 sizes too big and she imagines for a second she's a real baseball player's wife before they start throwing the ball around. Ali pretends like she's terrible, does that thing where a girl covers up her talent at something or understanding of something so the guy can feel superior.
Ali interviews that she  loves a guy in a baseball uniform really? Tell me one girl who doesn't. She's still the queen of stating the obvious. He gives her a baseball card with him on it from his minor league rookie days before he became an insurance agent instead (tragic), then they get drunk on the field. I'm sure University of Tampa appreciates that.

Dinner with his folks. They ask her why she likes him and she says "I get this feeling" 20 times because that sounds better than "I'm a famewhore and he's a fan favorite." It's time for the serious talk with Dad part of the date. Dad shows Ali Roberto's wall 'o trophies, then they talk about goals. Dad is worried about Ali's goals in life, wonders how much she can give to support him. Ali tells him that to make Roberto happy, she has to be happy. So she has to be fullfilled. She has no clue what she's talking about, and PS, the theme for this year is "women should support her man and not have goals". So of course Ali was the best choice, being she's such a traditional girl. Wha?

Roberto is talking to Mom says he will propose if he gets the chance, then asks for his Mom's blessing. Get out of this lío caliente pronto, amigo! Now they start salsa dancing.  Ali is dancing with Roberto, his Mom and Dad dance together, Ali dances with Dad, Roberto dances with Mom, it's a big orgy of dancing. It's too cute for me to make fun of.

They travel from sunny Florida to cold Cape Cod? Jess, Cape Cod looks a tad bit nipply. Chris's dog runs to meet Ali, but then runs right past her. This dog is the only smart one on theshow. Chris takes her to the beach. He seems like he's really into her. They talk about whale sex a little bit, she gets a little turned on by that thought. And it's 8:30. FCC? We have a problem over her.

Remember, Chris is the guy whose Mom passed away not long ago. He says Mom has seen his brothers wife and future wife, but not his. That gives him sads, but even if she was around she still wouldn't. Pictures of his mom all over, little mementos.  Ali's drinking while she's looking at this which seems really disrespectful. They pretend like they are an old married couple, he says it's been a rough day, needs a beer, she says, "I have one right here in my purse." He thinks she's kidding, but I am pretty sure shes' serious. Ali tells him she was nervous and he said he wouldn't have brought her home if they wouldn't like her, except it's not his decision at all.

Dad comes in, says "you stole my roommate, Ali". Cute! The rest of his fam, brothers and their wife/fiance come in. They open a bottle of wine and Ali's party girl side comes out to play. She's super excited about the wine. Ali is wearing a bracelet that Chris gave her, the other girls have the bracelet too. She says he gave it to her in Spain "like two days ago!!" You right before she was in Florida meeting her other boyfriend's family, so it's great that you're wearing the same super-special and meaningful bracelet that his brothers bought their *actual* future wives.Ali says she can tell that his family knows him better than anybody, and she becomes one step closer to fulfilling her "obvious statement" quota for the night.

These Dads are breaking my heart today. He says he wants to see all 3 of his boys married with a partner, doesn't realize he's talking to a famewhore? Sister in law says she's protective of Chris, and that he needs someone to love and support. Well according to that, Ali is perfect for him. Chris says Ali definitely "could be" his soulmate, cause when it comes to soulmates, "could be" is the term most people use. He wants Ali to fall for him, not just pick him.

Dad asks what would he say to his Mom about Ali? He says she'd just "know" Ali was right for him. Dad says that Mom is orchestrating this trainwreck of a TV show and Chris's part in it. I hope that that means she's orchestrating him not winning so he can find somebody better than Ali, like a relationship that will last more than 3 months. These people are too nice for this show.

They make out on a bridge that looks like a tower, Hubby says, "Get a room?" He says Chris wants to say, "Would you like to see my tower on top of this tower."

Twangy music starts and we know that we're now getting ready to see Kirt and his hillbilly ways, like where people get mold poinsining. She calls him Kirtky, which is the most awkward emasculating nick name ever. He says, "you're in my city!!!" because there are only two places that exist in this country according to Ali, San Fran and wherever she was raised. Massachusetts I think. Middle America, what's that? Ali says she's never met a family where parents are divorced and don't speak. She picks some random yellow flower for her stupid weave.

I go to get a snack during the commercial and when it comes back on Hubby goes, "Well this prostitution show is back on."

Dad, Step-Mom and adopted sister are first. The best part of the whole episode is upon us. Dad looks at Ali and says, "would you like to see my basement?" The step-mom rolls her eyes. Call  sit his "workshop". he says, "would you liek to go fiiirrrsssttt?"

OK. First. Don't ever...EVER...follow someone into their basement after they ask in such a serial killer way. Second. DON'T' EVER FOLLOW SOMEONE INTO THEIR BASEMENT.

 In the basement, we find  a whole zoo full of taxidermy animals. Hubby speaks for the Dad: "Around this corner, I have humans." Ali says she love animals, but when they are alive. He shows her a Caribu foot that he inexplicably glued google eyes on. Nothing about that makes sense. He continues the tour of this horror show by pointing out the deep freezer where he stores his frozen meant and popcicles. Dad and Ali have a serious heart to heart. Dad doesn't want Kirt to have his heart broken get hurt. Hubby says the last 4 girls that broke his heart are in the deep freezer.

Kirt sits on the couch and talks to his little sister, who even at eight years old knows how stupid this whole thing is. Kirt keeps asking her if she likes Ali and she won't say yes or no. He has to basically talk her into it.

They visit his  grandma, sister and mother next. Grandma fixed a delicious meal of  meatloaf, cheesy potatoes, and some other things, but I get stuck on the cheesy potatoes because Grandma won't shut up about cheesy potatoes. I hope I get some visits this week from the search term "cheesy potatoes". His Momma has the same hairdresser as Ali, presumably, because that color of yellow hair does not occur in nature. I think they would both glow in the dark. Mom says that when Kirt was sick, she and he wore yellow Lance Armstrong bracelets, and she thinks he's so strong for persevering through this. MOLD SICKNESS. You guys. I thought Lance Armstrong bracelets were for cancer, but I guess you can wear them for any illness you have. The things you learn on the Bachelorette. I've come to the conclusion that Kurt looks terrible in HD. He says he has much more confidence in Ali after she met his family and they approved. Oh goodie, because you know that's important when you make your choice about marrying her and OH WAIT YOU DON'T GET TO CHOOSE.

I love how the Bachelorette sets the scene using stereotypical music: jaz lets you know it's time to be back in Chicago, hometown of Frank, instead of Hickville, USA, home of Kirt. They go for a boat ride, and apparently Ali  has never seen a boat before and is instantly excited. They take pictures with some point and shoot camera, the obligatory " taking pictures because we're so goofy" date. She's drinking beer, where did she find that beer?

He says he's sure his parents are freaking out. I feel like he's sitting there and basically is begging her to let him go. He's in that critical part in the romantic comedy that is his life where the protagonist is really thinking about his situation and ready to make some Big Choices. Ali says needs him to be confident because she can't reassure him of her love for the rest of her life. No, that's not how relationships work at ALL. Frank and Ali sit in the car, she is laying on his shoulder and he's smiling like sociopath. I'm pretty sure he's wearing her cardigan.

Dad says, it's good to have you back, but in Dad language that means "I wish you'd get a job and leave". Frank says she brought him on the hometown date out of sympathy and pity. Dad says, "yeah that's why we keep him here." Truer words, people. Truer words. Ali says "I really like him. Like a lot. Like he's amazing." and then says the same thing 5 more times using the word "like". Can "like" be a WOW word, Liz and KLZ? Cause I would SO, like, transcribe everything Ali says and win that mother trucker.

Frank asks, "Is this another relationship that might not last?" Um,  well the odds are terrible that it will last, so you're probably right. Sister wants him to take more time to figure out what he wants. He doesn't have the luxury of too much time, but is is three days enough, you think? Ali has drunkface every time she talks to the families. I know that face. How many conversations have I had with my girlfriends out at the bar where it seems so super serious because we've had a glass or two of wine? Answer: lots.

Frank has the lowest cut shirt on ever. He's rocking the man cleavage. They have the most inane exchange: "They are amazing,"  Ali says.  "YOU'RE amazing!!!!!" Frank doth protests too much. He stands and watches her leave with a tourtured look on his face. Wonder what song he's playing in his head for the soundtrack for this part? Probably some bittersweet love song. I mean, why wait till the screenplay is written. Go ahead and pick out the songs now.

Rose ceremony time. Ali is wearing a piece Disney Princess prom dress collection. She drives the point home even more by saying Roberto is like a fairy tale. Ali says her heart is beating out of her chest right now, probably because she knows it's going to be Kirt and she's afraid of being taxidermied and hung in a basement. Kirt gets the shaft and nobody watching is surprised. Hubby hopes Kirt's dad uses her real eyeballs on the taxidermy, and hopes Ali's tanned skin isn't too rubbery. She asks for a hug after she dumps him. She just wants one more hug, she says. Hubby says she doesn't need to worry, that Kirt will go in his Dad's basement every night to hug her.

So did you enjoy Hubby's commentary? Would you like to hear more of his funny?

Chris Harrison is available for marriage counseling, if y'all are interested

Oh my stars and garters, mercy me, was that a hot mess up on the ABC Monday night. Unfortch, I was too busy playing the new lego Harry Potter game on our Wii (because I'm a massive nerd) to watch the Bachelorette. I know, I'm sure everyone is disappointed, but you're just going to have to find your B'ette fix elsewhere this week. I do know that Ali loves Portugal because it's "sunny and warm" and there was lots of face sucking and spit swapping and then Ty was sent packing. Happy trails to you, Ty. Hope you find that perfect woman who is ready to stay home and cater to your every whim.

Looks like Ty has some stiff competition for that particular kind of lovely lady after learning more about Jake the Snake. I just caught the replay on ABC.com and I missed a doosey. Like I don't even know where to start.

First, in all seriousness, I really felt bad for Vienna. I was NOT a Vienna supporter in the least. I was all about Gia, then Tenley. I thought Vienna acted childish at best, malicious at worst. However, I think that Vienna is really a small town girl who might have a few issues of her own with relationships, and truly thought this was going to work out. Delusional? Maybe. But I think she saw herself as a Trista and Ryan or Molly and Jason -- famous together, famous for being a couple. I don't think she anticipated being second fiddle to a man who was clearly seeking fame. She got duped. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm sure she enjoyed her time in the spotlight and I'm sure most of this stemmed from jealousy on her part. But I still don't think this was at all what she expected.

Jake is disgusting to me. He was disgusting before; not physically, but something about his behavior -- the way he treated the contestants, the thinly veiled insincerity, the really pretty exterior that seemed to have something rotten inside -- really bothered me. Let's be honest here, there's not one person who signs a Bachelore/tte contract who isn't ultimately in it for their 15 minutes. So, within that aspect of the show, there are different levels of famewhoring. There's the legitimate crazies; then the people who are relatively normal and maybe just want a couple episodes on TV for funsies; then models or singers or actresses who hope to make this a springboard for something better; then the people who desire fame so much they will stop at nothing, including lying and destroying real-life, legitimate personal relationships. That's Jake.

It was gross to me how condescending and mean he was to Vienna. I'm sure she's not the easiest person to deal with, but honestly, give her a break. She's not undermining you every time she has a difference in opinion. They told a story about him giving her directions, and then she still got out the GPS, and then he threw it in the backseat. What if she's bad with directions? That's not undermining him. Get thee a dictionary, Jake. I hate to say it, but it was borderline emotional abuse -- like if he's going to do that to a girl on national TV who is basically in a fake relationship with him, what's he going to do to a normal girl he meets at the gym?

It seemed pretty clear to me that he wants a girl who will stand there and look pretty while he does whatever shenanigans will bring him the most fame. 

My favorite part of the whole thing was Chris Harrison. Dude works hard for the money and deserves every penny. He's part pre-school teacher, part therapist, part marriage counselor and part camp counselor. Lots of faces to Chris Harrison. He kicked off the show by saying, "Is this crap going to continue? This he said/she said stuff?" I'm like aw yeah, this is going to be good. Later in the show, Jake and Vienna were having words over whether or not he "made her" leave her dog, and if he did or did not, and Chris, who was completely over them in a very real way, says, "Nobody cares about the dog." Nobody can get famewhores to shut up faster than Chris B. Harrison, y'all.

So in conclusion, Jake sucks, Vienna sucks a little less, Chris sucks only slightly for being in this mess in the first place, and we only have one non-sucky person in this whole group, as shown on this graph:

Also, I'm officially over Jake and all things Jake related. I hearby announce today, July 7 2010, the last day you'll ever read about Jake on this blog. I'm done contributing to the mess that is his life. I'm still all about Ali, so you non-Bachelorette readers who have stuck with me through this journey, bless your little hearts, it'll be over soon.

The Bachelorette Episode Six: Worse things have happened in Turkey but only slightly worse

Y'all ready for another rousing game of where in the world is Ali Sandiego? This week the Caravan of Illicitness makes a stop in Turkey. You know, that city of antiquity that boasts an extensive, rich, sometimes violent history. And now they can add Bachelorette shooting location (now with 100% more oil wrestling)! I'm sure it'll be the feather in their cap!

We were promised DRAMZ tonight and they don't waste one second getting down with the dirty. Chris Harrison shows up at Ali's door and tells her he has something very important to tell her. He mentions Jessie, a contestant during Jake's season who really had no shot so she spent her days and nights badmouthing Vienna instead, and says Jessie called Chris with some "secret information" about someone who is "not there for the right reasons". Woah, that's exactly what she said about Vienna, too! Maybe she's one of those dolls that can only say, like, 4 phrases. Like that Barbie a few years ago who could say "let's go to the mall!" and "math is hard!"

Chris picks up the phone to call Toronto and it rings like  4000 times before she finally picks up. I was so hoping it would go to voicemail and he'd have to awkwardly continue leaving Ali hanging. Jessie says that one of the contestants has a girlfriend and it's Justin. DUN DUN DUUUNNNN. And his girlfriend is sitting RIGHT BESIDE HER! *gasp* This is turning into a telanova right in front of our eyes!

Girlfriend eagerly wrings her hands in anticipation for her 15 minutes of fame, telling Ali that Justin planned to go on the show, make it to the top 3, come back to the girlfriend and get married whilst using his fame to promote his wrestling career (because when you think of something that could help a wrestling career, being on a reality TV show about finding love makes...perfect...sense?) He promised that this little scheme would benefit both of them, and if she's buying that, I have some oceanfront property here in North Central Florida to sell her. She helped him with his headshots, she drove him to the hospital when he broke his foot and she's telling his secrets now (as this pot of plot  nonsense thickens deliciously) because he has a ...wait for it....wait for it....are you still waiting? ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND. Dios mio!

Well. Here's the thing.

A. What kind of guy would do that to his girlfriend who he claims to be madly in love with?
2. What kind of girl allows it to happen? (It goes both ways). Love is blind and all that bull.

Also? You date a girl for two years, then decide to date another girl while you're dating the first, then go onto a dating show to meet and become "engaged" (in the loosest sense of the word) another girl? That's a Paula Deen quality recipe for disaster -- indulgent and will eventually kill you. People say reality TV isn't real, that it's a waste. Find me one written show on TV right now that has a team of 26 crazy people for a writing team and I'll watch that instead. Nobody can write plots as good as the ones famewhores and sociopaths can write for themselves.

So, after talking to Jessie and Girlfriend, and finding out Justin had contacted Girlfriend several times during the "journey", most recently the night before the call, Ali gets pissed. She says this show is the most important thing she'll ever do in her life (dream big!) and goes to confront Justin.

Ali says she believes in putting people in their place when they aren't good to you and sharing your toys and looking both ways when you cross the street because she talks like a kindergartner. Ali and Chris Harrison, HARBINGER OF DOOM, invite themselves into the guys' hotel room. Ali has a little chat with the guys; she asks them how they are holding up, if they miss home, and then tells Justin it must be really hard on him because he must miss his girlfriend SO MUCH. Oh snap, girl! It's a good thing this happened so early in the morning; a little later and this group would be dropping their beer bottles along with their jaws!

Justin peaces out. Like literally doesn't say another word to her, just hobbles off the couch, grabs his wallet and passport and leaves. Ali runs down stairs to confront him and he pushes past her. She continues screaming at him, asking for a deserved explanation. Justin tries to duck into a closed restaurant and a waiter shrugs that they are closed. Ali screams that this show is a very sacred thing for her.  The hotel manager is probably regretting the choice to allow them to shoot on his property.


Justin  tells Ali he wants to talk off camera, which is a smart plan of action for a person who came onto a reality TV show in the first place. He walks all over God's creation to get away from her. He climbs over walls, through landscaping, might have swam around in a fountain or two for all I can tell. All with his walking cast, mind you. Justin, that's not what they had in mind when they said "walking boot".

Later, Justin comes back after he makes up a good story. Which is as follows: Jessica was a good friend to start out with. He came into it with his heart 100% into Ali, and throughout the process his heart changed. Ali doesn't believe a single word of it and asks why this perfect stranger would throw him under the bus if it wasn't true. Ali tries to confirm he had talked to Girlfriend since starting the show and he adamantly says no. Ali tells him to shut up and leave while he still has a sliver of dignity left. Well played, lady.  You're so feisty  when you're sober! AND SCENE.

As Justin walks off, the producers play a  voicemail from Girlfriend in which he reads a terrible poem he wrote to her telling her he wants to marry her, how much he loves her. Saved message after saved message. Being gone made him realize it even more. He regrets even coming on the show. Listen -- No one slams the door like a woman scorned! Dude, have we learned anything from tiger woods? VOICEMAIL IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

While this DRAMZ plays out in the plaza below, the guys are eating it up like pork butt on a stick. Craig  R says this TURKEY is gobbling his way home from Canada, and hope he has to swim in his boot. It's clever because  a turkey is an animal AND a country! ahaha! Craig R, I bet you win a bunch of cases with that clever wordplay! Date card comes. Ty gets the date, Craig gets the sads. 

The date starts, like, an hour after all this unfolds. Ty wants to protect her from being hurt, well where were you two hours ago when all this started, hmm? And are you the official Guardian and Protector of her Heart since Kasey left? Where's your official wrist tattoo?

They start the date by shopping and sightseeing, then relax in a Turkish Bath. She says this is a place only men are allowed to go, and she was able to go in, so she feels pretty special. They laugh very awkwardly before oiling each other up and making out. When they do they get boozed up? I bet they hate these daytime dates because it's so socially unacceptable to drink before noon. But wait -- so is dating 5 guys at once, so maybe that's not a concern. Social acceptance doesn't seem to be a real big deal with these folks.

Ali tells Ty she lost her faith in men that morning but he restored it by the evening. They continue making out with only towels covering their nether regions, all lubed up, it's not yet 9 pm, ABC. There are still children watching. Turn it to Cinemax, you'll find something less offensive there.

Nighttime date. Ali interviews that she loves this neighborhood, you mean your old Turkish stomping grounds because you are in Turkey all the time?  She takes him  to a romantic spot by the river. Wow, amazing that this perfect spot was already set up with lighting! He talks about everything he likes about her, and she tells him she likes that he's tall and handsome. She slurs a bunch of stuff about hardships and "it is what is is and that's the way it is and that's what we learn out of life, you know?" That sentence is transcribed straight from her lips.

She asks about marriage -- his former marriage, specifically -- and  he reveals that he is a misogynist and hates that his ex-wife worked. He was so closed off growing up that he didn't realize women are CEOs and lawyers and such. TN is so proud. She gives him a rose and he says, "Thank you! go bake me a pie!"
They dance to a tune from a Turkish street performer and he says it's most rememberable [sic] dance he's ever had until he marries her, then hopefully that dance will be just as rememberable [sic]. TN scrambles to make him the official spokesman.

Group date time the next day. The guys are walking around making asses of themselves while looking for Ali. "There aren't many blonde girls in Turkey!!" somebody says. There she is, IN A CASTLE, then I duck to avoid the anvils they are dropping on the viewing audience. Ali says she can't believe this is a group date, there are only 5 of them!  Today, she wants them to embrace Turkish tradition and culture.
Some scary looking, shirtless Turkish guys, as well as some Turkish musicians, show up on site. She's literally making them fight for one-on-one time. This is awesome!

Kurt says "is that guy shirtless? they are all oiled up!?!?" Kurt says that there are four of them, four Turkish guys, they're all in an arena, and then the unspoken completion of that is "and we've been drinking!" The guys take off their shirts and get to the oiling. Ali says seeing them get oiled up to fight for her love is pretty hot.   Kurt wants to oil Ali up and we're now at the 3rd oiling up reference of the night (again, still not even 9). (Cinemax -- channel 656).

Turkish guy tells the rules in Turkish, which means the guys are screwed. Chris L says he typically uses oil to cook asparagus and dip bread in. It's the first time he's wrestled in it. I'm a little hazy on what is happening here; if they all lose to the Turkish guys, who wins the date? It's clear that there is one immediately loser -- us.
After they embarrass themselves with the Turkish guys, they wrestle each other -- Kurt vs Roberto and Chris L vs Craig. Roberto wins the first match, and honestly, I would have put my money on Chris L to win the second, but Craig pulls it out because desperation knows no bounds. He needs him some one on one time with his lady, considering he's been dating her for, what, 6 weeks now? Gone on two vacations with her and still hasn't had a date. Craig says it feels good to be a lawyer who wrestles with words and wins at oil wrestling.

Craig's date is so over the top boring that I'm not going to bother except to say she's not into it at all until they set off fireworks. Nothing gets the spark lit like fireworks, am I right? So suddenly they are all huggy and lovey.

Next date: Frank, who has been whining for three weeks now that he needed another date. He's so weird and coked out. "Hi! Let me smell your hair? Can I clip your fingernails for you? Suck on your toes? We're in Turkey!" Ali is in no way weirder out by his behavior, and they go to a spice bazaar to act like stupid American some more. Ali puts on a sexy belly dancer outfit while he tries on a bejeweled turban. He looks like Punjab from the Annie movie (That's my favorite movie ever. It's my goal in life to mention it as many times as humanly possible.) He says his thoughts when he saw Ali in her costume were as follows: 1. WOW. 2. Why am I wearing this hat? 3. WOW ( I think the last one stood for World of Warcraft.)

Their next stop in the spice bazaar is to a carpet dealer. Frank says the carpet sales guy looked like a guy who walked off a used car lot. They hang out drinking the guy's booze while he tries to sell them a carpet.  Frank is freaking about the rug. Like panic attack mode over it, especially after the guy throws in 2 pillows. He's all, "I'm traveling the world right now, what am i going to do with a carpet?" Cut to a scene where the salesman is throwing in pillows for free. Frank is practically in tears, "The carpet is huge???? I DONT' NEED A CARPET." I'm all, don't worry, nobody forces you to buy a carpet, AND THEN HE BUYS A CARPET.

Back in the hotel, the guys sit around talking about who should leave. Craig agrees with himself that kurt doesn't "look good" with her and that he should leave. Come on, Craig has a snowman's chance in hell of staying till the next round.

Dinnertime in a flooded sewer. They have to wade through all this water to get to their meal, which is laid out nicely on a platform. Frank talks about wanting to propose only once and getting married only once. He knows how to use words to his advantage. They sit and stare at each other, then she says he scares her (me too sister, me too). They kiss, she starts with the baby talk, he gets a rose. He says he's falling hard for Ali.

Cock-TAIL party: Serious Edition. Craig is pretending like the extra 2 hours alone time he got means he's not a front runner to leave. Let's see: the guys without roses this week going into elimination are Kurt, Craig and Roberto. Craig is the only guy who she's not kissed. Pretty sure that says something. Ali cancels the cocktail party because she's tired of all the guys. Is she ok? Do we need to get a doctor in the house? It's not like Ali to turn down alcohol.

Craig gets the boot. The romance was missing. *yawn*

For all you non-watchers, choose your favorite:

Chris L - cutie from Cape Cod
Roberto - Latin LOVA from Charleston, SC
Frank - Crazy person from Chicago
Ty - Please dont' judge him based on that terrible shirt; judge him based on his sexist remarks and general ignorance!
Kirt - Who almost died of mold poisoning

The Bachelorette: Episode Five - Cornball really WON'T help you win

 Tonight we're traveling to Iceland with Ali and her band of manwhores, a country that's  as frigid as Ali's cold, dead heart! Can I just say, first off, how disappointed I am that the NYC episode with marble mouth Kasey's song originally written by a homeless man aired when I was gone.

The episode starts with Chris Harrison phoning it in to the guys that they're headed to Iceland. They all hop on what appears to be a regular passenger plane, and on the tray tables are printed pronunciations of Icelandic words. One of the guys, or maybe Ali herself, says "I don't think anybody dreams of going to Iceland to find love," and truer words have never been spoken, except that most normal people wouldn't dream of going to a reality TV show to find love, either.

Kasey says something I don't understand and I tell him to spit out the dirty rags he's keeping in his mouth, and then Ali slurs something about the beauty of Iceland, using magical and amazing in one sentence. Get this girl a thesaurus, stat. Chris, throws the ol two-on-one monkey wrench into the plans, then tells the guys the one-on-one dates are where you want to be because they have control over that? There will also be a random and awkward group date.How do I know it will be random and awkward? Because I've seen this show before.

The guys will be competing for the one-on-one date, because Ali probably doesn't remember half their names (still) and needs some way to distinguish one guy from another other than "pretty boy with nice abs and blonde hair and pretty boy with nice abs and brown hair". They will write love poems for Ali and perform them like a group of Bohemian performers in the middle of a town square. Oh, Kasey has GOT THIS. He has cornered the market on cheesy love poems/songs. Chris says that the best poem will win the one-on-one date and if you add some Icelandic, you get extra credit. Which begs the question, what does "extra credit" mean in the context of this show, hmm? Methinks it relates to the hot tub.

The pull up a patch of frozen tundra and get to the business of waxing poetic about their feelings. That usually comes so naturally to men, so you know, this is a perfect challenge for Road Rules or whatever show we're watching now. Justin crutches around town to ask some locals for some real Icelandic phrases. Somebody PLEASE teach him some curse words. They are none too helpful and I think it's because they think he's a serial killer. How do you say "please don't cut out my kidney" in Icelandic?

Finally the challenge is over. Ali plops down on a park bench to find out what incredibly sincere things these guys have written about her  in a 30 minute time frame. Some guys go and then it's Kasey's turn. You can't understand a word he's saying (per usual) except I could make out "guard and protect your heart", or maybe I just made that up because he says it every 14 seconds. Kasey is the most cornball person who ever lived. Who is attracted to that kind of behavior? The guys rag on him. Somebody says his lips must be frozen because they need subtitles to understand. ABC hears his plea and adds subtitles. Dude, he ALWAYS sounds like this. Guess his lips were frozen in the permafrost of the LA Hills, too.

What if you were from Iceland and had never seen an American before, and you watch this debacle unfold before you. I'm afraid they think we're all like this group. Please forgive us, Iceland. We know not what we do.

Ali is over this whole poem thing in a real and intense way. It's Kirt's turn. He walks over to her, holds her hands, and relates her eye color to the shade of root beer, but Ali thinks he says "beer", so he's probably the winner. Frank is last and takes a page out of Kirt's book because Frank doesn't have a unique thought in his pea brain and walks over to Ali, putting his tiny little mittens all over her. After it's over, Ali berates all the guys who didn't physically touch her in some way, and chooses Kirt because she hadn't spent much time with him. Yay?

Frank sits around and complains about how  he hates seeing Ali with other guys. I know I'm beating a dead horse here, but why do these guys get jealous when she goes out on dates with other people? YOU ARE ON THE BACHELORETTE. Kasey joins the pity party and together they are a match made in stalker heaven. I have the best idea, you guys: a reality show with JUST Kasey and Frank where they meet women and come prematurely attached to them. Don't steal my idea.

The one-on-one date starts at a sweater company, because what screams "IT'S REALLY COLD AND ROMANTIC HERE" more than matching sweaters. Ali calls Kirt husband material, and I think it's the first time she's used the H word. Does this mean he's a contender? Kirt messes around, trying on some ridiculous vests from and flashing a little flannel nipple. Meanwhile, the shop owner weeps quietly in the back, wishing this terrible monstrosity would just leave him and his hard working family alone. They decide on precious matching sweaters.

They sit down for a little brunch and Ali starts grilling Kirt about his past. He hasn't dated somebody for over a year and she thinks it's weird and abnormal and surprising. Is not dating for a year that strange? Apparently it's like a crisis over in Ali-land because she's very concerned. He keeps putting her off when she asks why. I guessed last night that he killed a man just to watch him die and spent the last year in prison. Then took a prison lover.

Meanwhile, back at the Hotel of Debauchery, the guys receive their group date card. Everyone is on it, including somebody new: Chris N! Welcome to the Bachelorette, Chris N. Let me explain this to you. There is this girl, her name is Ali and she wears a weave, and she is choosing guys based on alcohol fueled lust and false expectations and...oh wait. You've been here from the beginning? Sorry, I just noticed you. Moving on.
The odd men out are Kasey and Justin, who will be participating in the disgusting cat-and-mouse game we call the two-on-one date. Ahh, Kasey and Justin. Good versus evil. Angel versus devil. Zima versus Wild Turkey. Justin says he's going to take him out, a la the wrestling world.


The one-on-one date continues as Ali presses Kirt for more info as to why he doesn't date. He starts his big confession by saying some meaningless words: "As long as you know where I'm coming from, you'll know where I'm going," and then he whispers NAILED IT and tosses the page of his "Inspirational Quote of the Day" calendar on the floor. He describes how he started getting very sick after moving into a dilapidated fraternity house and for 2.4 seconds I feel sorry for him. He says he went to specialists all over the country and no one knew what was wrong. I thought he was going to pull the cancer card. Finally he found out it was mold spore poisoning. From the frat house. All my sympathy went out the window into the cold, dark Icelandic night. Mold spores? That's, like, tragic and pathetic at the same time. And excuse me, what does this have to do with not dating for the past year? Did he JUST recover? I'm cornfused.

Ali is not cornfused. She has nothing else to say, so they suck face a little. He gets the rose.

We join Suicide Watch with Kasey and Frank, who are performing Ye Olde Crying While Looking Out a Window. I guess I missed the tattoo drama last week. I hope ABC paid him enough to get that bad boy removed after he's kicked off. He's got a case of the sads because he has to go toe-to-toe with the wrestler. Kasey, you know you don't' have to physically fight him for Ali, right? Frank is giving him really terrible cliche advice. Why would he do that when they are wooing the same girl? If I were Frank, I'd tell him something crazy and off the wall in order to sabotage him. Wait, Kasey's doing a great job of sabotaging himself by being corny and mushy.


On to the group date, where this week's rejects meet Ali and seven horses. Somebody says Ali looked unbelievable holding a horse, and that's officially the weirdest fetish ever on the Bachelorette. Chris L has a difficult time riding; he doesn't know anything about horses because, as Ali puts it, he's a Massachusetts boy through and through. She's qualified to say that because she's a country girl herself, EXCEPT SHE'S NOT AT ALL.  They ride until they find Chris Harrison's Lair of Evil, also known as a cave. Horseback riding and then spelunking....WHAT CRAZINESS IS NEXT?

Meanwhile, back at the Hotel of Debauchery, Justin has added Medical Doctor alongside Entertainment Wrestler on resume by making the decision to have his cast taken off and replaced with a walking boot. It's just marginally more romantic. He then throws away his crutches in a public trashcan. that's OK, let Iceland deal with it.

Back at Harrison's Lair, Chris L decides to grow some balls and take care of Ali by going first. Chris N (I think) says he's nervous going into the hole and that's the the Weatherman said *rim shot*.  They all go in and Frank turns into a prissy little girl, but then has a mini-meltdown because he came all the way to Iceland to fall in love and he hasn't gotten any one-on-one time because the other guys are helping her. Well? Then help her! Ali interviews that if Frank doesn't want to step up, it's not her problem; She can't wait for him to make a move when one of these other guys could be her husband. Won't that be a fun story to tell, should she end up marrying Frank: "Remember when we went on that hike through a cave in Iceland and I ignored you ahahahahaha that was great!"

Finally they get through the cave, have a picnic lunch in their snowsuits and make a trek to the famed Iceland hot springs. Ali just freaking strips off her snowsuit right then and there and has apparently been wearing a bikini underneath -- and nothing else. I wonder if it's difficult finding your popped out eyeballs when it's so dark? These guys are disrobing so fast. One guy almost forgets to put some shorts on. Roberto jumps in first because he's a Latin LOVAH and then Iceland cries one single tear because they are using the country's beautiful springs as a hot tub sex den. Ali is drunkface while she water humps Ty. She asks what his favorite part of the day was and he tries not to say WHEN YOU TOOK YOUR CLOTHES OFF. Chris L feels cloudy headed, of course it must be Ali and not the 18 bottles of champagne being drunk in hot springs -- that's why they have the warnings on hot tubs, people!

Frank's crazy reaches the boiling point and finally they get time together. She calls him out for not being around during the group dates. She slurs a little and then they stare at each other. Frank finally discovers he has to "fight for her" because apparently he's on a reality show competition! He didn't realize that! No wonder there are so many other guys!

She picks up the rose and says it's a  beauty and the beast rose and she is just the drunkest bachelorette EVER. I thought Jillian was bad, but sister does NOT hold her liquor well. I think Ty gets it but honestly I wasn't paying attention.

Next is the always creepy two-on-one date. Justin talks about how he strong armed some poor Icelandic doctor into taking off his cast and is ready to party!  They take another helicopter ride in which she forgets she's afraid of flying, and head to the volcano. Wise Owl Ali says,  "You think you know what a volcano is all about, but you really don't until you see it." After they talk about the volcano and Kasey says some cheesy things about how it's as amazing as Ali, they all get super serious about this date.

They head to another cave that has been nicely appointed with some ice furniture and candles. Only on this show. Ice palace looks uncomfortable. The ice love seat has room for two only, so Justin and Ali take the opportunity for a little one-on-one time. I so wish Kasey would try to slip in there with them. What is Kasey doing while Justin is on the couch? Oh, waiting outside in the snow and coughing.

Ali joins Kasey on his snow pile for some one-on-one time and they are all sniffling and coughing and I hope they all get pnemonia or mold poisoning and die. Ali interviews that all he has to do is be normal. That doesn't sound to difficult....for a normal person! He shows her the tattoo and she gives him the blank "you're a crazy person get away from me" face. Ali says his Mom will kill him and he says his mom will instead be very proud of him. I bet his mom is like, an upside down broom with a mumu on or one of those lifesize dolls.

Ali is all, peace out girl scout, you're too crazy for my blood. She chooses Justin. Sociopath trumped clinically insane today. We start to see a little of Justin's evil side, because he says 2 roses were given - one for Justin and one for Rated R, then he does the Joker smile and laugh. Creeper! They take off in their helicopter of love and leave Kasey just chillin'....LITERALLY...on the side of this volcano! I mean really! Is he going to walk home from Iceland? Good luck with that.

Cock-TAIL party: It's the time of the night when they start getting super gross and pissing all over her like dogs marking their territory. Frank steals her first and empties his bladder. She talks to Frank about Justin, cause that's what you want to talk about during your 13 seconds of one-on-one time. They say "i miss you" when they have nothing else to say. Reuinited and it feels soooooooooo good.

Craig's turn for the last ditch effort, since he's been on nothing but group dates. I have a book for you..it's called...she's just not into you...Kasey wrote it. He draws a tattoo on his wrist the same place Kasey had his, and she laughs. She can't believe how funny he is. She can't remember his name.

Chris N talks and she tries to keep her eyes open. He says that former girlfriends think he's really funny and then he stares at her. And then says he likes Mexican food. And then he says that's all he can think of. Oh, brother, you're out.  The boys are discussing the body language betwixt Ali and Chris N, and decide it is saying "friends who meet up brunch once a year" instead of "lovers". And it's said without one single hint of irony. Roberto is the only guy she is truly smitten with. I have to admit, I'm a little smitten too. She wants his hot bod something terrible.

Chris Harrison is working hard for the money this week! He earns his keep this week by playing a little "armchair psychiatrist". He asks the tough questions, like "what are you afraid of?" and offers little gems like "but you can't be afraid to fall in love."

Rose time. Chris N leaves, to the surprise of no one because I polled Twitter and nobody knew who the heck he was. So Craig gets a reprieve for one more week. Congrats, Chris N, you out boring-ed Craig!

Next week -- literally fighting for her and finally....SOME DRAMA.