For your Halloween enjoyment, I present the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Opulence. They has it.

Bravo has graciously given us another gaggle of *frightful* women who have decidedly more money than sense. I can't figure out how this one is different than the original Real Housewives of OC, because the new crew all seem just as tanned, fake and *zombie*-like as the original OCs, but somehow it's different. Let's not question Bravo's motives too closely, shall we?

Meet the characters:

• Lisa VanderPump-Todd - "Restaurant Owner" "Entrepreneur" "Dog owner" (the last one is for real). Apparently, a type of Beverly Hills rich lady whose children have long left the nest and replaced them with dogs. Tiny, skittish little dogs. With bows and sweaters who drink Fuiji water out of gold plated bowls and who poop in handbags that cost more than my entire closet of clothing. She lives in a palatial home with her husband, a crap-ton of dogs, and a personal trainer/friend/hanger-on/squatter/possibly gay BFF who is approximately 30 years younger. Don't worry, her husband is cool with it. Unless he's not gay, in which case he might have a Situation on his hands. Lisa hasn't seen her original face since 1982.

• Adrienne Maloof-Nassif - Part of some high-powered West Coast family who owns, like, half of Vegas and the Sacramento Kings. She's also kind of bad ass -- like she did some ninja karate move on her son and slammed him on the ground just so she could prove to her plastic surgeon husband that she was a tough broad (mission...accomplished) *spooky*

• Kyle Richards - Famous for being an "actress" in the 70s. Also Paris Hilton's aunt. Also likes to make babies when she's not working. *spooky*

• Kim Richards - Famous for being in Escape from Witch Mountain when she was a child, never learned any type of social interaction skills, and now has tons of money, lots of kids and lungs that are filled with helium (apparently) (judging by the way she talks) (which is super annoying) (and she also hates everyone). *spooky*

• Camille Grammer - Married to Kelsey Grammer for one hot second, or enough hot seconds for her to have two children with him. OH WAIT. She didn't actually give birth to her children, she had them via surrogate even though she was perfectly capable of having them herself, just didn't want to lose her figure. I'm not making that up. And let's just say, Camille Grammer probably could use a hamburger. *spooky*

• Taylor Armstrong - I still can't figure out what she does. Wikipedia says she's founder of eImplement, Inc. That sounds made up. And Wikipedia can't even find that as it's own entry not associated with this show. And my high school in the hills of WV has an entry, and we only had 400 people total in the whole school, so I'm questioning the legitimacy of eImplement Inc. We all know that Wikipedia does not lie. Anyway, Taylor also likes to get botox in her temples so that it looks like she has face tumors, and stir the *cauldron* of drama amongst these lovely, *goulish* ladies. *spooky*

• A very  Scary and Rich *Boogey* Monster - Married to a hotelier and spends her days shopping, designing shoes for her new line of stilettos, and scaring innocent young children by jumping out of their closets during the witching hour.

In the first episode, the ladies take a trip to Sacramento to watch a Kings game courtside, and while they are *cackling*, *howling* and doing some funky-fresh dance moves with the mascot, some Joe Schmo, the most die-hard Kings fan on the planet, who saved weekly for months for a crappy nosebleed seat, silently weeps all his facepaint off into his #1 foam finger. *spooky*

Then before or after - I don't know, there was so much awesome that it all blended together - the ladies went to a classy restaurant and acted foolish while Kim demonstrated her competence in the art of bitchface and Lisa's dog licked everyone's plates. *spooky*

 Oh, also in the episode, Kim (whose hair I would seriously cut someone for), talks about how one time, she was out to dinner with her niece, PARIS HILTON, and the papparazi was all, KIM! KIM! Over here! And PARIS HILTON was all, "Um, Aunt  Kim why are they taking pictures of you and not me?" and the Paps said, "Don't forget PARIS HILTON, your Aunt Kim was here first!" and Kim was all, "that's right, niece PARIS HILTON, I was here first!" (snaps fingers in the air in the shape of a Z)(What a sad, pitiful little life she leads.)

 Later, at Kim's house, she's getting ready to move into a haunted house house that's way too big and expensive for her (it's not necessary for me to make this show scarier than it already is), and her sister Kyle comes over to help her move and they suddenly start screaming at each other about how the other is really ungrateful, and color me confused with the problems of rich people.

So there you go. If that isn't as scary as your regular, everyday SCREAM or Nightmare on Elm Street, I don't know what is.

Can anyone who is familiar with the culture and society of Beverly Hills and/or Orange County explain to me how these two shows are different? Doesn't Real Housewives of Atlanta basically trump both of them? How appropriate is this show for Halloween, anyway?

Getting my word on! Play along!