Great, like I need another addiction

Like cherry icees, Twitter and Bejeweled, I've become obsessed with Words with Friends.

I have a Droid phone, so I never had access to the game before it was released on this platform earlier this week. I was hooked instantly.

This didn't mean I wasn't scared. Oh, Lawd, was I scared, or more appropriately, I was intimidated.

I love words - the way they sound, fit together, evoke emotion. 

But y'all, I'm about to make a confession that will blow you away: I'm not a speller. I mean, I'm college educated, so I can spell, but I don't like it nor am I that concerned with it. Isn't that why spellcheck was invented? Because some geek was so filled with nerd rage over not being able to spell that he came up with that magical cure all?

I'm not the type of person who can look at a group of letters and see long, complex words. No, give me an O and a T and ill come up with a plethora of three letter words like NOT and DOT and POT. Throw an S into that mix and now I'll throw down DOTS and POTS. I might even try NOTS, hell maybe it'll accept it? Stranger things.

I like playing this game on our ipad called Chicktionary. Its Boggleish. You are given seven letters and have to get as many words as you can in three minutes. And awesomely, it takes place in a henhouse, which - let's be honest with each other for a second - is really why I play.

But make no mistake, I'm terrible.

So Words with Friends. I was nervous big time. I'm currently in 19 games and being solidly trounced in approximately 17 of them.  Surferwife is beating me by 80 points. But then I'm playing three letter word bonanza with Natalie and Hutch, so those are barn burners. And KLZ played my least favorite word EVAR, which is "wad". I dare you to say that word and not cringe a little.

Then I tricked my husband into it, and we're in an epic battle of wits and wills. Neither one of us likes losing. In fact, once we were playing a card game and he was winning, so I threw the cards at him and told him I was done. And when I say "once", I mean "every single time we play". We don't play cards anymore.

At any rate, your takeaways from this blog are 1. I have an addictive personality. 2. I make a living as a writer but can't spell and 3. You should play me on WWF because you will win.

Annie is almost like an action flick

So, have you been wondering where Amanda is? No, I didn't jet off to Bora Bora to date three guys because 1) I'm married 2) I'm not a fame seeking whore and 3) I work for a non-profit. That's definitely not where I've been. I know you're all missing my delightful recap, but the truth is I just didn't have it in me to watch it on my birthday because it sucks the energy right out of my body. I watched the Bachelorette online with my pal JP and I saved our conversation and will post it maybe this weekend. It's good times.

I'm here tonight to drop off some funnies from my dear Husband. The scene: I was sleepy when I got home from work after eating way too much at lunch at the Pizza Hut lunch buffet. After struggling through a pizza coma all afternoon, I needed a resty-poo. When I woke up we went to McDonalds for dinner because my baby? He loves him some Filet of Fish sandwiches. What the heck? What kind of baby did I make? At any rate, after naps I tend to suffer from a little foggy brain, probably exacerbated by all these hormones.

While we're there, the following conversation occurs regarding, hands down, my favorite movie of all time, 1982's Annie, staring Eileen Quinn and the incomparable Albert Finney as Daddy Warbucks.

Me: Davey [Sister's husband] watched Annie with Sis.
Hub: *snickers*
Me: What? He did!
Hub: Yeah...right.
Me: Why wont' you watch with me?
Hub: I don't think I'll like it.
Me: I watch stuff with you that I don't like! Besides, Davey liked it! He said he liked the car chases!
Hub: Car chases, I'm so sure.
Me: *getting angry* What if my only dream in life is for you to watch Annie with me????
Hub: Then I'd say you have a sad life, if that's your biggest dream.
Me: *sigh* [pause] But there *are* car chases.
Hub: *laughs at me*
Me: And thievery and kidnapping. And helicopters. It's veerrrry exciting!
Hub: *head in his hands*
Me: You know what it's like? It's like that movie Taken. *wiggles eyebrows expectantly*
Hub: I'm going to Tweet that you just said Annie is anything like Taken.

So he's not only funny, but he puts up with my nonsense. I think he deserves a medal.

Have you seen Annie? Isn't it the best? On a scale of  1 to 10, how close is it to being like Taken?

A few Friday Funnies to end this week

A conversation between me and my Husband.

Scene: We're laying in bed watching GhostHunters in silence.

Me: You know, I think my favorite kind of Jelly Belly is the hot buttered popcorn.
Hubby: *face palm*
Me: What?
Hubby: That is so random.
Me: It's not random. I was sitting here thinking about it before I said something to you.
Hubby: Again, what's not random about that?

Tis my life, y'all.

---------------------------------

When I was in grad school I was a teaching assistant. There were about eight of us who entered into indentured servitude for up to two years. In return, we got what equaled out to be $2 an hour, paid tuition and our own office. Which we had to share. Usually only two to three of us had office hours each day. One semester I had office hours with my friend Ali and another grad student whose name I will never forget but I am going to call him E.

E was just a little weird. He was a terrible teacher and just plain mean to his students. The rest of us were all, Whelp! you tried! here is a B for your efforts! But he was hardCORE. I think he gave his whole class Cs just out of pure spite. He held back his thinly veiled hatred of the human race just enough for us to not outwardly hate him, but he let that hate all hang out with his kids. It was truly tragic. For them. And for Ali and I when he was in a particularly bad mood during office hours.

Anyway. One day during office hours, Ali wasn't able to be there, so it was just E and I hanging out. I got the short end of the stick and taught 8 am classes. I skipped breakfast and was existing solely on the breakfast of champions -- coffee.

I said to E, "I sure could use some breakfast right about now. They should provide a continental breakfast for us! ahahah! LOLZ!"

E replied...and I will never till the end of my days forget the way he said it..."I hate continental breakfasts. I hate them."

*record scratches* Me: E, what do you mean you hate continental breakfasts? What is there to hate?
E: I just do not like them. They are never good. It's always just coffee and donuts and that's it.
Me: That's not ALWAYS true. Sometimes they have awesome breakfasts. You've never had a continental breakfast that has, like biscuits and gravy and those waffle machines?
E: Never. I hate continental breakfasts.

This just made me increasingly angry. Like who hates free food? Rich people maybe, and he certainly wasn't rich or he wouldn't be participating in the slave labor that was the teaching assistant program.

I thought, maybe he doesn't realize it's free.

Me: E, it's FREE though. I mean, even if it's nothing but pastries and coffee, you didn't have to *pay* for them. It's included in the price of your hotel.
E: I don't care. I hate it. I would rather pay.
Me: You'd turn down a free meal?
E: Yes. I hate continental breakfasts.
Me:  I have to walk away right now.

I am 90% sure he was just trying to instigate because he hated the world, but to this day, every time I see a continental breakfast I say to my Hubby, "Remember E!? And how he HATE continental breakfasts? Well I'm going to take extra pastries JUST TO PROVE HIM WRONG."

I made some graphs to prove how awesome continental breakfasts are:

Therefore:

See how my anger increases as the price goes up?


Happy Weekend, y'all. Enjoy it and give your Mommy's extra love on Mother's Day!

The post in which it becomes clear money can't buy brains

Did y'all watch the Super Bowl? Wait, let me get more specific. Did y'all watch the Super Bowl commercials?

Remember this one?






That baby, he's so cute and clever and good with money. And what a player! Milk-a-holic, isn't that adorable, because they are babies, see, they aren't old enough to drink; and it's a derogatory statement towards that little 8-month-old Lindsey baby who is obviously a dirty boyfriend stealer. Calling her a whore would be crossing some sort of line, I think. That's why the ad agency made the choice to call her a milk-a-holic instead.

Genius!

Let's just laugh together for a moment over this super cute ad while E-Trade's ad agency reps roll around naked in piles of money.

Now, what are your thoughts right now? Are you thinking about Lindsey Lohan?


Because Lindsey Lohan thinks you are.

That's right, according to US Weekly, (because where else do you get news?) Lohan is fixin' to sue E-Trade $100 million for using her name in this commercial. The one in which two babies fight over another baby. And one baby happens to be named Lindsey.

From the article:

"Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit," Lohan's lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, said in a statement to the New York Post. "They're using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn't they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody's talking about it and saying it's Lindsay Lohan."

Really? Everybody? And by everybody, does she mean the small sphere of flunkies and paid friends with whom she spends her time?

I find the fact that the lawyer said it was a "parody of her life" more disturbing than the same name aspect. Basically, Lohan is admitting that she's an alcoholic man stealer; that the above commercial reflects her life accurately enough that it would be infringing on her image. Really? Three babies are ruining your image. Enough so that you need $1 million for retribution from, what? Lost income? From the roles you lost because E-Trade was making fun of you? Because this whole, "Lindsey Lohan is an alcoholic slut" angle hasn't already been beaten to death in the media over the past three years. I mean this lawsuit is coming from a person who has been arrested and been in rehab many times. The damage has been done, sister. Lindsey Lohan hasn't worked since 2006, but somehow has found all kinds of cash to buy drugs and booze and life the high life (PUN INTENDED). Wait -- maybe that's why she's suing.

In other news, I just purchased a domain name but I have forgotten everything I know about domains and I can't figure out how to make it go to my blog. So anybody who can help, email me. Please and thank you!

In other, other news, go over to Naked Cupcakes and tell Sarah what she smells like!

In other, other, other news, the Boob Nazi is giving away jewelry in honor of her 1000th post. One thousand posts of pure awesome. You can't beat it. And if you email her and she emails you back, your inbox will have a message from "Boob". Awesome.

In other, other, other, other news, have you heard of Lady Bloggers? It's where I found a crap ton of awesome bloggers. If you are 1) a lady (you don't even have to be *ladylike*, just have lady parts) and 2) a blogger, go over there and apply and tell them I sent you!

In other, other, other, other, other news, I have been at work early enough to park in the lot three days in a row. Threepeat! Badass!

I'm not allowed to watch TLC anymore

[Conversation between me and Hubby  Sunday while we were out for lunch]

Me:  Saturday was pretty much the best day ever.
Hubby: Why? Because I wasn't around to turn the TV on sports.
Me: Yes, I watched four hours of "What Not To Wear" on TLC.
Hubby: that's all? Lame.
Me: That's not ALL I watched. I also watched "Little Miss Perfect", "House Hunters" and "18 Kids and Counting".
Hubby: Really lame.
Me: I love watching "What Not to Wear" because it confirms that I know how to dress really well.
Hubby: Hmmm. Say, would you like me to refill your cup with more soda or get you a glass of humility?
Me: Huh?

A lesson in patience

At Macaroni Grill for dinner Wednesday night with the in-laws:

Mother-in-law: This looks good. [points to Chicken Cannelloni on the menu]. But what does "hand rolled pasta" mean?
Me: Well. It's like...you know pasta? Before it's cut? It's that. But rolled. By hand....
Mother-in-law: Ohh, ok.
Me: I think you'd like that dish.
Mother-in-law: Tell me, though, what's the tomato sauce like? Does it taste like tomatoes? I mean, is it really tomato-y?
Me: I don't know how to answer that question.

_______________________

Father-in-law: I wonder why it's called Macaroni Grill. Reckon the owner's last name is Macaroni?
Hubby: No, because it's actually Romano's Macaroni Grill.
Father-in-law: So maybe because they serve Macaroni?

_______________________

Mother-in-law: [watches Father-in-law cut his food into minuscule pieces, then mix it all together] I wanted a bite of that asparagus, but you cut it into such little pieces, I can't even tell what's asparagus.
Father-in-law: [picks a piece out and hands it to her] Here's some.
Hubby: Why did you cut it all up like that?
Father-in-law: Mixes when it goes down, so why not eat it that way?

I can't make this stuff up, people.

My new 600 thread count sheets are amazing

 Bedtime last night.

Me: Let me tell you a story about these sheets.
Hubby: Ok, go ahead.
Me: These sheets are awesome.
Hubby: That's not a story.
Me: The End. Now it's a story.

Two polar opposite Christmas Day Tweets

I found the following tweets, one from Taylor Swift and one from TMZ, next to one another in my feed.

I'd say something witty, but I think the dichotomy between the two says everything I need to say.

Yes, I follow Taylor Swift and TMZ, the secret is out. It's Christmas -- don't judge me.

Having the hap-hap-happiest Christmas...

A Christmas dinner conversation. Staring my in-laws.

Father-in-law: [Puts a slice of pumpkin pie on his plate and covers it with fruit salad]
Mother-in-law: Why did you do that?

Father-in-law: It tastes good!
[Silence as we watch him eat]
Me: Is it actually good? Really?
Father-in-law: Yeah, have you tried it?
Me: No, I'm not judging, just wondering.
Mother-in-law: I'm judging. That's nasty!

Merry Christmas to each and every one of you! Hope you're having a wonderful holiday full of love and that the anxiety is at a minimum.

On babies and their super fat cheeks

So, OK. Babies. I have none. I have no plans to have one anytime soon. I really don't even know how to react around babies, like when they just stare at me like they want me to have a conversation, yet they know absolutely no words, so it would be a waste of time.

But I'll tell you what -- I sure do like looking at babies, especially fat ones.

When I see a fat baby I just want to do one of three things: sniff his or her head; make him or her dance; or eat his or her fat baby cheeks.

I made this comment about a baby at Sonny's BBQ tonight and the following Twitter conversation ensued:

Hubby: Amanda just saw a baby in Sonnys with big fat cheeks and said he is so cute that i just want to eat him. He looks so delectable.


AmandaAustin: @Hubby is smearing my good name. I mean it was a BABY with FAT CHEEKS. What other option do i have but to want to nibble on it?


Hubby: @amandaaustin One word: CANNIBAL


SarahJordan @amandaaustin @Hubby i have agree that fat baby cheeks need to be eaten up with a spoon

Baby cheeks: Awesome and edible or not?
 

How I Met Your Mother: MAGGIE clip

Y'all know how much I LOVE How I Met Your Mother. This clip was from the episode from Dec. 8. So many funny moments in this one little clip. If you don't watch the show, this clip will give you a taste of the wonderfulness I experience every Monday night. Thanks Melissa for reminding me to MAGGIE!

Taco Bell is run by drunk people, maybe?

Last night, after working around the house for several hours, Hubby and I decided to go to Taco Bell for dinner. Before you judge us too much for the fat content in food we eat, it was 10:30 and not much else was open.

So anyway, we're in the drive through, trying to decide on our dinner among all the amazingly delicious culinary delights on the Taco Bell menu. A female voice asked us if we were ready to order and Hubby said we needed a second. Then, a second male voice came through the speaker.

"If you need help deciding, we have highly trained taco specialists available. Let me know if you're interested. I highly recommend the steak and cheese quesadilla," he said.

I looked at Hubby and he looked at me and we immediately broke into uncontrolled quiet laughter.

I honestly don't know if the kid was just having some fun or he seriously believed that he was a highly-trained taco specialist. However, I do know that Taco Bell is either run by or caters exclusively to drunk people.

I'm such a good sister

I'm so nice to my sister. I found this item at JoAnne's Fabric in the Halloween decorations and thought she'd enjoy:




Me: This is a gift for your home.
Sis: What is it? An owl sculpture?
Me: More like a fuzzy owl collectible decoration.
Sis: Thanks, I will cherish it forever.
Me: Please keep it out all year 'round, not just at Halloween. Would you like the matching fuzzy raven?
Sis: Yes, that would be awesome.
Me: You can put them in a prominent place, like maybe when you first walk in.
Sis: I was thinking of hanging them right below my "Home Sweet Home" sign so everyone can see them as they walk in.
Me: Good call. Then you wouldn't have to worry about being burgled. They would scare burglars away.

So I pretty much just saved my sister and all the nice things she has in her home from being burgled.