Bet your local news is better than mine

Today I'm going to talk about asshats.

The people you see daily who wear their asses for a hat.

I'm sure you guys see them every day at work, at the grocery store, whilst sitting in traffic. Maybe even sometimes at your own home when your husband won't UNLOAD THE DISHWASHER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD THERE ISN'T SOME MAGIC DISHWASHING FAIRY THAT DOES IT.

Ahem.

This post is to help us better define what it means to be an asshat.

Gross

You know who is a big ol asshat? Lindsay Lohan. Really Lindsay, you couldn't make it to 30 days of sobriety before you failed a drug test. I don't know who on earth she's paying off, but I don't think I've ever seen a person, celebrity or not, who have ruined as many chances as she has. She's like a cat with 9 lives. The latest is after she failed the drug test she was out boozin' it up with her paid friends -- I mean, assistants -- and Tweeted about how sorry she was for letting everyone down and how she wanted to take full responsiblity. But not full responsibility for actually crafting the message, because according to US Weekly (which as you know NEVER gets anything wrong), her assistants helped her write it instead of her team of publicists, which begs the question, what exactly is she paying them for?

Asshats are people who have multiple assistants, yet have no discernible responsibilities or job. And giggle while they are confessing to failing a drug test.

Gross.

Last night Hubby and I were getting ready to go to bed and he checked his phone one last time. Smart phones are a blessing and a curse. I was half asleep and I hear him say WOAH!

Hub: "The Situation" is following me on Twitter. I followed a bunch of people from  Dancing With the Stars [TIME OUT here: he claims he does not enjoy Dancing With the Stars, but tell me then, why is it he'd follow them on the twat, hmmm? A mystery for another day.]
Me: He's probably one of those people who follow everyone who follows him.
Hub: I didn't follow him though. I followed others but not him because he's stupid.

So basically "The Situation" sought my husband out on Twitter for what reason...so he could get one more follower? Something stinks here, and I don't think it's Axe Body Spray and vodka...smells like...desperation.

Let's talk for one moment about "The Situation" and his nickname. Dude, your name is Michael. Mike. Let's get real, Mike: nobody created that name for you -- YOU made up your OWN nickname and it doesnt' even make sense.

My blog friends have amazing nicknames. BBCD? That makes sense. Random Blogette? That makes sense. Chicken? That makes sense.

But "The Situation"? What situation, exactly? Is it his abs? His tan? His hair? I don't understand. Am I too old to understand? Maybe his situation is how terribly he treats women. Now that would make sense.

*Breaking news!  Apparently it is not the REAL "The Situation" but a "The Situation" imposter! well he's still an asshat if for no other reason that that ridiculous nickname. Definition updated to reflect this news.*

An asshat is also someone who creates a lame nickname for himself and then follows random people in a desperate attempt to increase his Twitter followers and thus his quickly ticking 15 minutes of fame.

Then, locally, there is a TV station who basically hires students all the live long day to stink up the place with their terrible reporting and inability to use a professional camera. It's like a comedy that is always renewed and never goes on summer hiatus. We were watching the other night and two things were notable:

1. One of the anchors not only has a severe case of bitchface, but also has recently gotten extensions. Let's just say that HD does not treat this lady well. You could hang a hammock in her frown lines and sit a spell. She clearly hates her co-anchor -- think Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy after they break up (and if you haven't seen it, what's wrong with you? go rent it now!) So anyway, sisterfriend had short hair and then suddenly the next day it's 6 inches longer. Lady -- you are on TV. We can see the change. Horse hair in HD is not a good look for you. You ain't no spring chicken.
   
2. The sports DIRECTOR is like, 14 years old. Or at least he looks 14 years old. Now I am thankful for good genes that make me look a little younger than I really am; however, I ain't no director of nothing. This guy looked like yesterday he was downing a bottle of formula and rocking quietly in a baby swing and then today put on his big boy pants and became sports director. It's like he crawled out of the womb with a microphone in his hand and on to the terrible set made of cheap Plexiglas, silver spray paint and dreams. The worst part is that he didn't have the fainest idea what was going on. I'm shocked he doesn't just wander around the set interviewing the desk or something.

An asshat is someone who goes for the cheap extensions even though her livelihood is in high-definition. And also someone who gets a promotion even though he is basically an infant. 


Actually, maybe I'm just a little jealous of that last one.


How do you define asshat?

This post has been a part of Word Up, Yo!, a vocabulary meme. Go play along!