Olympic Spirit: Table Tennis, anyone?

Kelsey and I are super excited about the Olympics. Of course, my favorite part, second only to slow motion replays of half-naked men swimming, is the human interest stories NBC puts together to keep their viewing audience satisfied until the next gymnast hops on his pommel horse.

Last night while I was fixing dinner, a story about an American table tennis star came on. Did you know table tennis is a sport that is played in venues other than a frat house living room? I was only half listening, but this is how I imagined it went:

An Interview with Todd, United States Table Tennis champ:

"So, this is my table, your standard regulation table. I bought it about 4 years ago when I decided to start training hardcore for the Olympics. I had to serve a lot of motz sticks at Applebee's to buy this bad boy, but it was worth it. Holla! Here is my paddle...my balls...see, this net comes off...but I leave it on. Here's my headband, gotta keep the sweat out of my eyes so I can crush the competition with my sweet returns.

Here's my trophy rack...You can look at them if you want. Intermural Table Tennis Top Performer '01, '02, '03, '04. It's a four-peat. Set a record for fastest serve in '03. What can I say, it's a gift from Jesus.

I train around 5, 6 hours a day...just scoot this puppy up against the wall and bounce them balls right off. You know, not my ideal setting, but you gotsta do what you gotsta do. I burn a lot of cals doing all this training...so Mom helps me out, she lives right upstairs, so she keeps the carbs coming. It's spaghetti night, I think. HEY MOM? ARE WE HAVING SPAGHETTI TONIGHT? WE ARE? Yeah I thought so.

Do I live in my parent's basement? I mean, technically, yes, I do, but you know this training is my JOB, 24/7, man, I can't waste a whole day of training time on a 9-to-5, so Mom and Dad are doing me a solid and letting me train here. And sleep. And shower. It's like my own Olympic village.

Some people say, 'Why don't you just play regular tennis?' or 'Hey, I hear our marketing department is hiring' or 'When are you going to move out?' Well you know what, DAD, real tennis is for morons without my lighting fast hand eye coordination, so why don't you LAY OFF?

You know what I like to say to people like that? You either go hard or you go home. This ain't your momma's ping pong, son. This is REAL. I'm going to light it up in Beijing -- 2008 bay-beee!"