Jake "The Bachelor" waxes poetic about nothing

Hey, y'all, it's lunchtime. I just warmed up my Progresso Light Sodium Chicken Noodle soup, only 90 calories per serving (which is half the can, who eats half a can of soup?) and now with 60% less taste!

I am taking a few moments while I pick the questionable chicken by-product out of this bowl to  catch up on some blogs.

Say, did you know Jake, this year's Bachelor, has a blog? It's true! I bet he has some really amazing things to say! Because he's really clever and unique and interesting!*

*And by that, I mean has a nice set of abs. 

Here are the highlights from this week's blog:

Let’s start with Tenley. What a doll face!

Yes, let's start with that doll face, Tenley. Although I'm sure he meant that in the same way my grandmother would say it, I also have to point out she literally looks like a doll. On the next date, he'll offer her a butterscotch and make her sit on his lap, OH WAIT he already does that. Halfway there, Gramps.

 I always say, “Great minds think alike,” so what a cool coincidence that both of our fortune cookies said, “KISS ME!” It still makes me smile. By the way, Tenley and I both burned our hands making those fortune cookies!

Wow, what a touching, magical, producer-inspired memory y'all created together. Good thing you had that fortune cookie or you might never have had that special first kiss. And also, inappropriate punctuation alert at the end of the paragraph; it might be a good place for an emoticon or something, since that appears to be the level of his writing skills.

Castello di Amorosa provided an incredible backdrop to a fun, romantic, yet stressful and awkward date with Gia and Vienna. At this point, I was really over group dates.

I just wish he'd specified which part was fun and romantic and which part was stressful and awkward. Cause he didn't look too very awkward when he was sucking face with Gia. And I'm also glad that we're on the same page with the group date situation, because we were really over it about 8 seasons ago.

At midnight the power is cut off, which coincidentally left Vienna by herself in a pitch-black maze of tunnels. She was lost for almost an hour! LOL! 

Oh, man, being lost in a pitch-black abyss with no one but a cameraman and an ancient oil lamp to guide your way is SO HYSTERICALLY FUNNY. I almost choked on this flavorless chicken broth because I was laughing so hard.

Let's just think about that last sentence, shall we? We've got the subject, predicate and punctuation succinctly displayed in four characters, because there's nothing weird about a grown man using LOL as a free-standing sentence.

I wanted to let [Ali] take control and plan the date and she did one heck of a job! We had an absolute blast and I think Ali thoroughly enjoyed getting to show off her neighborhood. I want a woman that trusts my decision-making skills so I remember how good it felt to have that conversation with Ali in front of the Golden Gate Bridge, putting all the drama behind us.

Wait, what? You want a woman who trusts your decision-making skills, so you let her make the decision about the date? Is he saying he wants her to trust his decision to let her decide? Or maybe he's just stringing together some random words in hopes that some part of this blog will make sense? Or maybe I don't speak "crazy"? Does anyone who reads this blog speak crazy, and can translate for us?

If you can believe it, this is going to be one of the most dramatic episodes this season.

I've believed the ABC promo monkeys every other week when they proclaim the next week's episode "Most. Dramatic. EVER." so why wouldn't I believe it now?

Fly Safe everyone!!! –Jake Pavelka

That's his sign-off, you guys. Fly safe. Excuse me while I take some Advil to get rid of the headache from the anvil they keep dropping on us to make sure we know he's a pilot. 

[Cue the 138th version of "On the Wings of Love"]

And if all that isn't cheeseball enough, check out his promo shot:

Photo via People TVWatch

Can't wait to see what he has to say next week!