Anxiety filled week

This week has been really stressful! I woke up this morning and automatically felt worried. I drove to work and all these random, bad things were going through my head. Like today we paid our first mortgage payment and I suddenly got this thought where I was all, "what if Hubby or I lose our jobs and can't pay? what if we have kids and need to move and we can't sell our house?" It's just so ridiculous because we've only been in it a month, even if someone loses their job we can still pay, and it's nothing worth worrying about! But I worry anyway.

Then I needed to pay for my parking pass at work, so I had to park for 20 minutes with an expired pass. The company that we lease the spaces from only accepts cash, and WHEN do I have cash? NEVER. So I was worried that within the 10 minutes it took me to come in, put my stuff down, pay, walk back to the car, that I would be towed and have to pay $$ to get my car out of hock.

Then that got me started worrying about some surprise payment that we'd be burdened with and that got me worried about bills in general. It's just a slippery slope of panic!

I've been dealing with anxiety for about 2 years now. It's really crippling sometimes and effects not just me and my mood, but everyone around me, especially my poor husband. How many times have I just freaked out and had a panic attack as a result of something he said or did innocently? The answer is A LOT and it's not fair to him. I'd say 98% of the things I worry about are just stupid, irrational or out of my control -- what if I get in a car wreck? what if we run out of money? What if I miss a deadline? How will I deal if something happens to my husband? Minor issues or major issues -- my anxiety does NOT discriminate!

Most of the time I deal with it by reasoning with myself or trying to convince myself that it's out of my control and there is no sense worrying about it.And that works. But it's a constant battle to keep those thoughts at bay. It feels like one of those Florida storms that you can see on the horizon, the dark clouds and the faint roll of thunder, and you know it is headed your direction. But it could pass or sheets of rain could pour for less than 5 minutes, only to be chased away by the sun. And speaking of the sun -- it's still shining, even with the clouds in the distance. That's like anxiety for me. Always there on the horizon, but unpredictable and scary.

I just take it day by day because I never know when anxiety will crop up. I had a dream on Monday night that my hubby was in an accident and that set the tone for the entire week. I hope a weekend at home will help things!