My God Sized Dream

This is a hard one to write.

I'm not sure how to say what I want to say about this blog. I think its' going to just be word vomit all up in your readers, but maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.

I'm pouring my heart out today on this blog because I want to make some changes.

Let me backtrack.

After my baby was born, I was removed from the blogging world out of necessity for a month. I didn't have time to check my email, much less write a blog and make cool charts and graphs for all y'all. I was having some blog blahs before he got here, so it didn't effect me too much. I didnt' feel like I was missing much, or that I was missed.

This is not a pity party, I swear. I needed to step away and re-prioritize. I was thrown into a new world I knew NOTHING about. It was life changing. I know that seems like an understatement -- of course having a child is life changing, but what I mean by "life changing" is that I didn't expect the change. I was very naive. Blogging was, at best, an afterthought.

Then he started sleeping better and motherhood started to click. I was able to sit down for the first time in four weeks without a newborn cradled in the crook of my arm. I had two hands to type, two eyes to read blogs, and at LEAST 3/4 of a brain to come up with witty comments. I dusted the cobwebs off It's Blogworthy and started writing. And writing. And writing. I wrote and scheduled posts for all of January. I wrote and scheduled Tweets, too. I felt like I was really on top of things.

And then a bunch of you went to Blissdom and I got all envious. I wanted to be a part of the fun.

However, even if I hadn't just given birth a couple months earlier, I couldn't have spent money in good conscience to go to a blog conference. My blog wasn't important enough; I hadn't put enough time or effort into it.

I also felt scared: scared to meet new people face-to-face, scared to be in a strange place, scared to network and go to parties and be myself.

That weekend at our church, our pastor spoke about having God-sized dreams. He said that a God-sized dream was scary, but lays in your heart, feeling like it's just the right thing to do. He said to dream big, but start small. He said two dream killers are fear and impatience.

Fear.

So, I left church and said to my husband, I think working on my blog is my God-sized dream. It might sound really silly. I mean, it's not world peace, it's not feeding hungry children or going on a mission trip. It's not building houses for the homeless.

I've gotten so much out of blogging. I've meet so many wonderful people and have been touched by the kindness of --  let's face it -- perfect strangers. I know all about their kids, their husbands, their pain, their joys. I feel less alone in this new role I've been thrown into (thrown into HAPPILY and JOYFULLY but thrown into anyway). I am a changed person because of the community I've met through blogging.

I want to change others like others have changed me. What if my words make someone smile who's had a terrible day? What if they change someone's mind, or touch their hearts? That's what I want from my blog.

I'd love to grow it so much that it's a source of income for my family. Is that going to happen? I'm 90% sure it won't, but that doesn't mean I can't grow my blog regardless.

I also want to make this blog so much of a priority that I can justify one of these blog conferences somewhere down the road.

I want to grow. I want a direction for It's Blogworthy. I want to put effort into it, because writing is what I love. If I don't, I'm afraid of falling into the gap of being someone's Mom or Wife or Employee and lose who I am as a person. I enjoy writing about ridiculous things like Jersey Shore and Project Runway and Lindsey Lohan, but is that what people want to read? Do I care? Those are things I struggle with.

So I'm just going to do it. I'm going to post, participate in the community more, Tweet and re-Tweet. I'm going to re-design my blog and post more regularly. I'm going to find my voice. I'll figure out the answers as I go.

I'm going to tackle this God-sized dream head-on.