The Bachelorette: Episode Two - the Weave's Vegas Vacation

Ali's got her weave done right, it's on so tight, it's on tonight! The "Love (or Lust -- isn't it the same thing?) Express" is pulling into D-bag Junction: Population 17 eligible bachelors. And by eligible, I mean "willing to at leave their girlfriends for at least 5 months in order to further their career". Don't you wish YOU were Ali? She thought so.

On to the show!

Ali starts by saying, "I'm dating 17 guys right now!" and laughing hysterically and maybe she snorts a little. Her laugh is really intense, y'all. Sometimes I want to punch my TV when I hear her laugh. And Bee Tee Dubya, ain't nothing funny about cheating on 17 people with their roommates. In the real world, we'd call that kind of a girl a Sluttius Maxiumus and we'd all make fun of her behind her back. Oh wait, that's what I'm doing here.

Ali's first date is with Frank, whom I said would win it all last week and that was before I read the spoilers. The thing about Frank is that he's completely and totally an insane stalker person, but he hides it well enough that she thinks he's just totally into her. Last week during his intro interview he was all, "who is the Bachelorette? ALI? OMG I AM SO IN LOVE WITH HER ALL I NEED IS SOME OF HER NAIL CLIPPINGS TO COMPLETE MY COLLECTION?" but in a "I just want to make her happy for the rest of her days" kind of way rather than an "I'd like to wear her skin as a shirt" kind of way.

They start out driving away from D-bag Junction in a classic aqua blue convertible. You know what? I think this car was supposed to be in a museum. Like it's original owners restored it to the luster of its heyday in order to put it on a pedestal at some car museum, but the B'ette people were all, hey, what is more romantic and old Hollywood than a convertible!? I don't know what's MORE romantic but I sure know what's the complete opposite on the romance scale: breaking down on the highway. Which totally happened to them. And THEN they got out of the car and literally ran off the exit and grabbed a cab.

This show is so ridiculous. If they were a real couple and their car broke down, you can't tell me there wouldnt' be lots of snippyness over who got the oil changed last, and then some stony cold silence while waiting for the tow-truck.

They do some stupid stuff like walk up and down Hollywood Blvd. taking pictures of each other making silly faces. Ali jumps up into Frank's arms like 4 million times because I guess she cant' walk? And then Frank says, "I feel like we're already a couple". Right, after spending two hours with her, which included one broken down car. How soon we forget the other 16 guys our girlfriend is dating.

Ali tells Frank she wants to show him a very special area that not many people get to see. Oh, Ali. I can think of at least one Bachelor contestant who has seen that area and...oh wait. You mean an actual PLACE. It happens to be the Hollywood sign. It's the most recognizable place IN THE WHOLE WORLD! Ali says.
Frank continues to throw his head back, run his fingers through his hair, smile like an idiot and say, "ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" She and Frank talk about how he quit his job as a successful funds manager (I just made that up -- I don't know what he did before) and moved to Paris to write screenplays, and now has moved back and manages a Sunglass Hut at the Mall while he continues to write screenplays.

Two presumptions about Frank: He works at a Sunglass Hut (that's not a fact, it's just what I think) or a Lens Crafters and he writes romantic comedy after romantic comedy. And I think he's also on this show JUST to get more material for his screenplay.

They continue the conversation by saying, "Oh, sure, careers are nice, but then there is [insert a heavenly light and angels singing and sparkle love hearts flying everywhere] LOVE and that's more important!" Excuse me, bank account says what? Sister, we can't all leave our jobs and get six figures to find [air quotes] LOVE. Is there some new economy in the Bachelor/ette universe that has jobs out the ying yang? 

 I think the date ends romantically somehow. I was sort of over their date at the time.

Meanwhile, back at the Junction, some clown rocking a ridiculous yellow hat is making fun of random guys in the house because they are younger than him and or have tattoos.  His name is Craig M. REMEMBER THIS NAME.

The next date is with a group of guys and it's pretty awful because it involves Speedos and Beer and maybe a sweater wrapped around someone's neck. They are taking photos for a hot guy calendar and the proceeds are going to charity. Ali says she hopes they enjoy doing things for others. Sure, if "things" means ALI and "others" means themselves, then yes...this is right up their alley.

The next date is with Jesse B. He's a contractor from Missouri and bought his first suit before coming on this show and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....oh sorry, I dozed off because he's so darn boring! They go to Vegas and splash around in a pool. Where on earth are my notes on this date? I don't think I took any. I'm going from memory here: He gets all dolled up in his second new suit, provided by Ali, as well as the new cuff links she "bought" for him with all this money she suddenly has from LOVE? Whatever. He meets her in her suite that's bigger than my house and they eat dinner overlooking the Vegas strip. They talk about inane things like whose hometown was smaller. You know what? I hate how Ali plays up her "small town" life or her "city life" whenever it's convenient. Like obvs, you're pretty at home in San Francisco. That's hardly small town. Today, with Jesse, small town wins out, I guess.

After dinner, the two have VIP access to a hot new club, which. Wait. There is nobody at this club. Like not a single soul besides the D-list Michael Buble wannabe. As Jamie said on Twitter last night (follow her if you want some awesome B'ette Tweets inserted into your timeline), $10 being on this show actually HURTS his popularity. They canoodle and nuzzle and then start to dance the most awkward dance since 6th grade. He's standing behind her and they are rocking but it's almost like she's trying to turn around to spin or look at him or dance normal and he's just fine with the standing-up reverse lapdance. So odd. So small town Missouri?

Back at the Junction: WOAH is there some drama going down! And no, it's not because somebody drank the last of the Nati! Some guy is screaming at some other guy in the pool (I believe the guy being screamed at is Justin "Rated R" Professionalwrestlerguy) about how he's not here for Ali.

And then there is Craig M. I used the phrase "sociopath" so many times in reference to Craig M on Twitter last night that I got followed by several mental health professionals. Craig and his stupid hats and neck sweaters have it out for Johnathan, the Weatherman from Texas (I didn't know what his name was until I read Jamie's recap this AM.) They hate each other hardcore, you guys. Weatherman thinks Craig M is dangerous and poison. He says in an interview that Craig M is a category 6 a-hole. Is that a weather reference I hear? Well now I want him to win just for saying that. He also calls him a jerk-off like 20 times. It's poetry in motion.

Weatherman wants to save Ali from Craig M's crazy and tells her all about him. During the cocktail party, Ali tries to call Craig M out on his behavior and asks if he's really there for her (those of you who are playing the B'ette drinking game -- DRINK!) and he says, "yeah, sort of, I mean I'm here to make some bros and then to romance you when I get the chance". Then he gives her the Joker smile and laughs off any talk of being dangerous or psychotic.

And immediately calls the guys together to find out who told Ali he was dangerous. Have these guys ever seen this show before? This happens on the daily, every season. He's very Al Pacino in the Godfather in this scene what with his three piece suit and scary smile and maybe a hidden gun. I'm just sayin'. The intense confrontation is interspersed with Weatherman talking head shots in which he discusses how much he does NOT want to get punched in the face because it's his livelihood. His face is his livelihood. Because he's a weatherman.Precious. It's all just too much for me, and apparently for Chris Harrison, too. He steps in and tells the dudes that Ali is ready to make her decisions.

Ali chooses some guy named Steve I've never seen before, a bunch of other guys whose names I'm not bothering to learn, a rico-suave guy named Roberto -- now come on, can we just call him Rob? But I do enjoy me some Rob. He's charming. Final rose is between Weatherman and Craig M. Weatherman gets it.

Craig M, we lost you too soon. Even crazy psycho Michelle got to stay around until at least week three during Jake's season. And Jillian kept Dave around until he tried to cop a feel whilst drunk.

A moment of silence for Craig M and his puffy hair. We'll miss you.

Via ABC.com
Craig M. Bachelorette Contestant
May 24, 2010 - May 31, 2010