If you can't trust the History channel, who CAN you trust?

Hubby and I are sort of history nerds. Well actually he's mostly a history nerd but I don't mind it. He has a Master's Degree in history so he sort of has to love it. And love it he does. I am not lying when I tell you we have a room in our home dedicated to the Civil War, complete with the cute little hats they wore, postcards, a calendar, blue and gray painted stripes and some rocks we stole from a Civil War battlefield one time.

We've also been to Gettysburg a bunch. It's fun, you should go. And take pictures  like this:

The rock was very heavy. Also: people died here.

Anyways. Hubby always finds these interesting shows on the History Channel and records them for us to watch during dinner because YES we eat in front of the TV and don't you dare get all judgey about it. He saw an ad for a program during the NCAA tournament (I know, weirdest ad placement EVER) called America: A History of Us and he got super jazzed. The premiere came on two weeks ago and of course we recorded it.

Like I said, he's much more into history than I am and gets all pretentious about it like he knows more than the History Channel, AS IF. So when we started this really slick-rick show, what with the fancy computer graphics, good acting and celebrities adding their commentary, he was a little skeptical. I mean really, what does Sheryl Crow have to add to the story of the American Revolution, hmm? (Answer: a lot. She's surprisingly insightful.) He kept saying, "I....I just don't know if that's accurate." and "Wait. How is Jay Z qualified to talk about Jamestown?" but I figured it was legit for the following reasons:

1. It was sponsored by Bank of America.
2. It aired on the History Channel.
3. They quoted Jimmy Wales, co-founder of Wikipedia.

But then even I started wondering if what I was watching was *actually* the story of America. It started when they talked about the Alamo and were all, "people died! *wah wah wah* But we eventually got Texas!" Um, excuse me, wasn't there some more information in between? No? Jimmy Wales said it wasn't important? Oh, ok then.

Then they were all, "one upon a time there was this poor little guy whose Mom died of milk sickness and then he moved from Kentucky to Illinois and built himself a log cabin, the trailer homes of that time period, [I swear to God they said that, verbatim] and then he grew up and split  hundreds of thousands of one foot logs in half while his Dad watched" and then made me wait to find out who it was when I could have totally gone to Wikipedia and typed in "Illinois" and "milk sickness" and KNEW it was Abraham Lincoln.

But this show jumped the shark when a few minutes later they said Abraham Lincoln used to sail down the Mississippi on a raft selling fruit and he basically discovered steam engines. Really? Really. Come on. I was born during the day but not yesterday. I searched up and down all through the Abraham Lincoln bio on Wikipedia and there is no mention of his steamboat inventing days, so I call shenanigans.

THEN Puff Daddy is all, yeah, Abraham Lincoln is a hero because being an American and working hard is in his DNA. And I said, "what do you know from working hard? You hired someone to hold an umbrella over your head when the sun is out. I hardly call that work."

So now I'm looking at this program with a somewhat critical eye, because they may or may not be feeding me bullcrap wrapped in real history. And it's DELIGHTFUL so I guess I like the taste of historical bullcrap. Right now we are just getting in to the Civil War days, which I'm sure they will make sound as glamorous as possible.

America, I love you, but  we need to have a little talk. Just because you want it doesn't mean you can just take it. Early America was like a little child. They were all, "well if you're going to tax us then we'll just throw all our tea in the harbor, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?" or "This land has belonged to you for hundreds of years but we put a flag here SO IT'S OURS NOW, NA NA NA POO POO." I don't question that part because I know it happened.  I just kept saying, "Why did Americans have to do these things? I hate Americans!" Like, good job, History Channel, you just made me ashamed to be an American for like, 2 hours.

I think -- maybe -- the whole miniseries is just a subliminal message to open a Bank of America credit card and go search for stuff on Wikipedia. Speaking of which, if you need me I'll be slipping down the black hole that is Wikipedia searches.