Bottles are going to drive me to THE BOTTLE

I'm sure some of you guys witnessed my melt down last night on Twitter. For those who did not, here is a recap:

My husband picked up our son on Tuesday at our daycare provider. She's a wonderful woman, very caring and sweet to our child, but she has a huge issue with how much milk I'm providing him every day. Although we've checked with our pediatrician, who told us this amount was perfectly fine,  she thinks  it's not enough. Mainly, it's because she says he fusses and cries an hour after some of his bottles and he doesn't sleep well when he's with her. She also says he fusses two or three minutes after the bottle is finished.

Hub said she was quiet when he walked in, but finally she just lost it. She lit into him about the feeding schedule, which lead to a circular argument about breastfeeding and how it's different than formula feeding.  Yesterday she had taken our four bottles and combined them into three. She suggested that I wasn't producing enough and that I should consider supplementing with formula. 

You guys, I don't have a problem with formula. My husband was a formula fed baby and he turned out wonderful. I have friends who choose to formula feed their children and they have perfect, healthy babies. But I made the choice to breastfeed. I don't have a supply problem. He is growing and having plenty of good diapers and all that jazz. And the kicker? My son does just fine with the same amount of milk on the days his Daddy has him. So for all these reasons, I don't see why I need to supplement with formula just because he's fussy (which could be for a VARIETY OF REASONS) for a few minutes after a feeding.

I guess what saddens me so much about this situation is that there are times I feel like a second class person for breastfeeding my child. There are always people questioning. There are always anxieties. I feel like I have to always justify what I'm doing and if my child has enough. I feel like I was encouraged to breastfeed, but set up for failure by people always second guessing or undermining my choice. I know that there are Mommies of formula-fed babies who feel the same way about Mommies of breast-fed babies. Why can't we just be comfortable in our own choices and not question others? We're all doing the best we can for our child. That's ultimately the point here.

You know where I pump every day? A closet. Literally a supply closet, an 8x8 room with boxes and storage containers stacked to the ceiling. It's a smaller room in a large storage area that's open to our whole building, but only our department has keys to the supply closet. There is one light switch that turns on all the lights in the room, including my pumping room. If someone comes in and doesn't realize I'm in there, they turn off the light so I'm stuck in a room, boob hanging out, in pitch darkness.

I have no chair. there's no room for one, so I sit on the floor. It's quiet and out of the way. I have a little "do not disturb" sign on the door with a cute vector art image of a woman nursing. I think it's cute and tasteful and for an hour or so every day, makes it a little boob cafe instead of a closet.  It's not the most comfortable, luxurious place in the world, but it's not a bathroom, so I should be lucky.

It's not a bathroom.

I know I made this choice to breast feed my son, so thems the breaks. I get it. I could choose to formula feed and wouldn't have to spend time pumping, but I do it because it's a labor of love. I truly enjoy nursing him. If pumping in a closet is what it takes to continue, then so be it. However, the LAST thing I need is someone who doesn't know anything about breastfeeding to question my supply. It's counterproductive and one of the most insensitive things you can say to a nursing mother. 

On top of the worries that he's getting enough, and the guilt I feel for having to leave him in the first place, it's just mind blowing that this continues to happen, that my choices are continuing to be questioned. She knows it, too. She knows how much it means to me. I'm not a bad mother. If my son wasn't growing and gaining weight, if he was crying constantly or sleeping all day or not reaching milestones, if I suddenly stopped producing milk, I'd do whatever it took to get him where he needs to be, and that includes formula. I just don't see why I need to compromise my choice when it's not necessary.

But then, deep down in the darkest places in my mind, I have this niggling thought -- "what if she's right?"

And it starts all over again.

----

Update:

As I sat and stewed about it some more, I realized I neglected to tell all you how absolutely amazing my husband is. He's stepping up to bat for me with our sitter and talking it through with her because he knows how emotional I am. I don't think I could talk to her and not cry or get angry. He's definitely the level-headed one in the couple.

He knew nothing about breastfeeding, either. Actually, we learned together. Last night, when I heard him explaining the situation to his Mom, listened to him educating her on how it all works, I don't think I've ever been prouder. His love and support are the reasons I'm still breastfeeding. I'm lucky to have him.

Also, a few have asked why we don't switch daycare centers. Financially, we can't. We're only paying her for the days my husband works (which is three days) and we won't be paying her at all this summer and she's still "holding a spot" for him for the fall. I don't think I could find someone who could care for him for the amount we're paying her. So until I make more than $0.00 from this blog, I'm afraid we're out of options.