Newsflash: It's hot

So guess what, y'all? It's really hot out! Like record breaking hot! Because of that, the media are crawling like cockroaches to my garage to this particular sensational story. I mean I'm sure eventually someone will come up with a new angle for it! OR NOT. Because it's the same old story every single summer. Guess what, people? We live in FLORIDA and it's AUGUST. Heat is hardly newsworthy AT ALL. It seriously burns me up NO PUN INTENDED.

Here's how it goes: media calls, one of us takes it. They say, effervescently, "Hi, it's Amber/Ashley/Jennifer from [insert student radio station or newspaper here] and it's hot out! so we want to do a story about how to stay cool! Is there a doctor who is available to talk to us?" Then we call and bug the emergency department or an emergency medicine doctor; not like they aren't busy enough tending to sick people in emergencies. The emergency people tell us the same old crap that your Mom told you growing up: Stay inside during the hottest hours, drink lots of liquids, use sunscreen,  so on and so forth. I mean it's not brain surgery, people. It's staying cool. There's no science to it.

One of my coworkers got one today and asked who I'd talked to last time. I decided next time I'm going to  tell them I'm the expert and then read, verbatim, from either our online health encyclopedia or WebMD. You know, maybe I'll just take the story from the same publication that was written last year and read it to them. They can quote themselves. Wouldn't that be fun and inventive!?!?!?!?

Or I could say, "why don't you just go ahead and reprint last year's article? Nothing has changed.

Or I could lie completely and say, "you know what, actually, its' amazing you called today because they are releasing this brand new device called the 'personal air-conditioning unit'. It's the latest and greatest. It's a big bubble lined with effervescent liquid that works to cool your body. You can just walk around and do everyday tasks and not worry about the heat! It's genius! What will they think of next!? I'll definitely try and find somebody to talk to you about this!" and then block that number from my phone.

Of course, I'm just kidding. I would never do that, and will keep finding sources for all these perky little students. I dont' want to crush their journalistic dreams too fast.


This post has been a part of Word Up, Yo!, a vocabulary meme. Go play along!