My short list of celebs I'd like to never hear about again

If you're around me for about 5 minutes, you realize how much I love celebrities and celebrity gossip. When some new gossip pops on the scene, I eat up like the chocolate Hersey kisses in the receptionist's candy dish. I literally can't get enough. And the best is when lots of drama happens at one time. Remember a few years ago when Britney Spears went freaking nuts and shaved her head, hit a paparazzi with an umbrella, locked herself and her child in the bathroom, and then was finally taken to a psych ward on a stretcher, all the the span of about two weeks?  That was like the Superbowl, World Series and Final Four all rolled into one. I was in celebrity gossip heaven, y'all.

However, there are some celebrities that I'm just over in a real way. Usually it's because their gossip is just tragic and unappealing and unnecessary and clog up my Facebook news feed with US Weekly's incessant postings of their ridiculousness. Let me put it this way: there are certain celebs that have things happen to them and I'm all, "oh, well she had a terrible childhood" or "he's in the throws of addiction". But these particular celebs? To use my favorite phrase ever, they are just hot messes all around.

Here's my Short, Non-Inclusive List of Celebs I'd Like To Never Hear About Again

Lindsey Lohan

Really, why is this girl still around? Who keeps inviting her to awards shows and parties? She hasn't had legitimate hit since Freaky Friday in 2003 and can you consider that a hit? Or was Herbie Fully Loaded in 2005 a hit, either? I guess there was Mean Girls in 2004 that did alright, but that's only because Tina Fey wrote the screen play. If I'm being really kind by considering the Herbie movie was a success, then that's a full 5 years since her last work that didn't a) go straight to video b) last less than 2 weeks on the big screen or c) air on television.

This girl is so delusional, the hottest of hot messes, and surrounded by what seems an entire planet of enablers. I mean, it's clear to all of us that she's on something, right? And has been for probably since Herbie. And I think it was around that time she was dating the guy from That 70's Show, who dumped her and broke her heart and is probably tiny ember that caused the flames of heat currently incinerating her life.

She's known for not showing up for work, entering rehab not once, not twice, but three times and is about to go again. She's been in jail twice, arrested for cocaine possession, violated probation, been fired, had two DUIs, and has had fiery break-ups with men and women which may or may not include drinks being thrown in her face.

You'd think that after all that, at some point she'd hit bottom and would clean it up and just go on with her life without all this drama, but no. If she was some Joe Schmo hanging out with cocaine in her pants or DUIs or two under her belt, she'd be in jail for awhile. And not even fancy jail where she gets a thousand hours of visitation time and keeps her extensions in.

No, I can't feel sorry for someone who has squandered so many chances and still keeps messing up. She gets 5 hot messes on my hot-mess-o-meter:


Mel Gibson

Here is a haiku about Mel Gibson:

Cool in the Eightys,
Now a violent racist.
A hot mess for sure.

Shall we talk about his mess ups chronologically, or in order of mind-blowingness? There was the DUI, the antisemitism, the divorce from his wife of eleventy-billion years, the love child with a Russian model, the racist tirades caught on tape. TMTH. Too much to handle. Hot mess. Four of them, in fact, according to my meter:


Jessica Simpson

Oh, Jessica.  You had so much promise. I was reminded of that late last year when I heard your first hit, "I Think I'm In Love" early one cold, fall morning blaring from the speakers of a car detailing-slash-sandwich shop across the street from my office. It brought to mind simpler times, of pop music and my college days. But somewhere along the way, Jessica Simpson turned from pretty pop princess who has it all to hot tranny mess who is dating a married man.

I get it. Jessica is unlucky in love. She's unnecessarily criticized for her weight, her looks, her lack of quality work. Poor ol Jessica. However, just as I don't feel sorry for our former receptionist for spending all day, every day, taking quizzes about her favorite sex positions on Facebook and then getting canned, I don't' feel sorry for Jessica for basically doing nothing and then when she DOES work, putting out crappy products. Dukes of Hazzard, anyone? And what about Blonde Ambition...if you don't know about that little gem, don't worry. It only opened in 8 theaters and only made $6k. Really now. Where's she getting her money again? All those really great investments she made with her Mickey Mouse Club money?

And then she's gotta get all weird and clingy with her boyfriends. I read an article the other day with pictures of her with different guys and each time she completely changed her looks to fit what he wanted. Like when she went brunette  and wore maxidresses for John Mayer, or wore Cowboys jerseys for Tony Romo. It's bad when you are a singer/actress known more for being dumped than for your songs or movies.

She's your girlfriend who always goes for the wrong guy and then never calls until they break up and you're all, "oh, NOW you need me?" and feel sorry for her a little bit, but mostly mad that she keeps choosing the wrong guys and dissing you. That's Jessica Simpson. And for that, she gets 2.5 hot messes on my hot-mess-o-meter.



Cast of Jersey Shore

I'll freely admit that I watched Jersey Shore last season, although it was mostly because it was like a car crash and I couldn't avert my eyes. I regularly spent that hour texting my friends saying, "Are these people for real?" and "Do people really do that?" Honestly, I wonder what we did wrong, as a society, for us to be exposed to these people and for the phrase GTL to make it into our lexicon. My friend posted a pic on Facebook once and it said GTL! And I was like, What on earth? And headed over to Urban Dictionary and there it was, in all it's trashy glory. And THAT was the moment I knew Jersey Shore was dead to me.

I just don't understand how these people became famous in the first place. They just seem like the least deserving people to be making the amount of money they make for that atrocious show. What about teachers who educate our children, or police officers keeping us safe from PEOPLE LIKE THE CAST OF JERSEY SHORE? No, they make enough to keep them securely in middle class whilst Snookie buys another Louis Vuitton bag to throw up in later.

They get 1 and a half hot messes because I'll probably still watch it:

  What celebrities do you love to hate?

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