There's a big problem right now in my home, and, well, it's not me, it's you.
Evil.
You just hang out in the kitchen all day with your delicious food. Mocking my and my desire to just lose a couple pounds. OK, cookie mix, I hear you. I know it's your goal in life to make me some cookies. You just want to provide a little extra cushion and I get that. "But you love sweets," you say. "And look, I only need to be mixed with one stick of butter and an egg and you have BOTH of those! It's not like you're going to use that stick of butter for anything else, anyway."
Well, cookie mix, I'm sure there are lots more HEALTHY things I can make with that stick of butter, so just screw off, ok?
The same goes for you, too, box of sugary chocolate cereal. Don't you dare hide back behind the healthy cereal; I know this game far too well. You're trying to get me to forget about you until I'm having a late night moment of weakness, aren't you? Well guess what, I AIN'T FALLING FOR IT.
"Come on, I'm only 100 calories per serving! I'm basically a 100-calorie pack!" But your serving is 3/4 a cup. Know who can be satisfied with 3/4 cup of cereal? PEOPLE WITH WILLPOWER. That's not me, OBVIOUSLY. I pour out 3/4 a cup and next thing you know, BAM a half box of cereal is gone. I will throw you out before you can say "I'm Coocoo for Cocoa puffs!" and don't think I won't.
Who am I kidding, I will not throw anything out.
No, instead I'll fall for your old tricks, brownie mix. "Oh man, I'm almost expired! You might have to throw me away even though you bought me on Publix BOGO a year ago! You probably need to go ahead and bake me so as to not waste food, because that's a punishable offense in this house!" Although logically I realize that it's powdered food. How does powdered food spoil? Who is going to punish me?
You know what will expire? This peach. And it will expire quickly while I'm busy eating my weight in Ritz Peanut Butter Crackers and the fruit flies will get to it. GREAT. Not only have I wasted a perfectly good peach, I also have fruit flies. CURSES ON YOU, RITZ CRACKERS!
Oh, potato chips, you know just when I'm craving something salty. "Woops! Sorry, must have lost my balance from this precarious position stacked on top of all these boxes of dumpling and gravy mixes. I didn't mean to fall right into your hands. But since I'm here...." Since you're here, WHAT, potato chips? Huh? Tell me. Just test my patience because I have had nothing but salads for lunch for weeks and I'm in no mood.
And you can shut your whore mouth, Chips Deluxe Cookies, over there in the cabinet. You might not live in the pantry but this applies as much to you as it does that Warm Delights cake on the second shelf.
And peanut butter, I think you might be the worst. You and your delicious creamy taste and 170 calories for 2 tablespoons. You're ridiculous and I don't have to take this. I will punch you in the throat, peanut butter.
Why is there so much delicious food in the world?
32 comments:
Ugh. Add kids snacks to that pantry, and it's just effing impossible.
Do you KNOW how delicious Goldfish are? Teddy Grahams?! Full-fat, organic yogurt?!
LOL! The best remedy for not stockpiling junk food is not having a pantry. We have one little cabinet and one shelf in our hall closet for food and that's it. I hate not having a pantry b/c I like to hoard food during hurricane season. And blizzard season. And all the other seasons in between. The only upside is that there are only so many brownie boxes that will fit in our space. Of course, it doesn't prevent me from keeping Evil Entenmann's on the kitchen table.
This post was the big laugh I needed today. Thanks and I have no idea why there is so much good food but it makes it really hard sometimes.
I love the Publix BOGO - checking out their online ad is the reason I wake up on Thursday morning. I got excited just seeing the words "Publix BOGO" in this post.
Maybe if you give some of that stuff to a food bank you will feel better about getting rid of it.
I thought I was the only one whose food talked to me! I hate to throw out food too. We have such limited cabinet space that I feel I have to make something I bought 6 months ago just to make room for the groceries I brought home today - even if I don't want it!
It's torture, isn't it! I hear ya.
Nothing like a full pantry to make one's diet impossible. :)
To tempt us to death. I've been doing so good on not eating chocolate and wouldn't you know it....that little hoe girl scout, who didn't bring me my cookies before lent, showed up with them today. Now I have 8 boxes (don't judge) of cookies sitting there looking back at me. And in all seriousness before someone flips out...the girl scout really isn't a hoe.
My thoughts exactly! Good luck with the willpower...you.can.do.it!!!
You sure do have a full pantry there!!!
You are hilarious!!
Since my husband and I changed out eating habits 3 months ago we have hardly any "good" food in the house! I miss the carbs but I feel fantastic!
Peanutbutter.....yummy! But seriously why must you be so yum. I use a tablespoon on my toast and thats it..just not the same anymore!
I keep asking myself the same question!!! And my other Q. is...why does my husband keep buying it and putting it all in my house? And on the bottom shelves of cabinets so the cookies and I are eye-level? And the chips? And the oreos?
Oh, my...the oreos...
(My husband is mean :o)
P.S. I *love* Warm Delites! I've been eating those 150 calorie mini ones, but, here's my sad confession, I eat one in the shower so that I can't jump out and go grab another one, or else I'd be down all four packs since I got some with $1/2 coupons. Sad. Choco-holics raise your hands.
This battle you are having is EXACTLY why I don't purchase snacks when grocery shopping. I don't want to talk myself out of eating something I already paid for...that tastes good LOL
Hilarious! Our pantry has roll out shelves. This makes it sooo much harder to hide the bad stuff, especially when the baking stuff takes up 1 1/2 of the 4 shelves!
My pantry is part of the same conspiracy. Now it is begging for for Girl Scout cookies and I may have to give in.
thanks for stopping by my blog on my SITS feature day, I really appreciate all your comments! Its a funny war many of us wage with modern food products. For me (recovered eating disorders) and my husband (health conditions) we've found the only way to talk back to foods we can't resist is not keep them in the house...We still enjoy them as special treats when we go out to a restaurant (or visit a bakery and buy just one delicious *whatever*)
I am partial to goldfish and teddy grahams. Also I do buy tons of those 100 calorie packs but sometimes I eat more than one. Peanut butter is the devil. So delicious but so many calories in just spoonful.
I'm not the person to help you on this. I polished off a box of Tagalongs last night. Why do Girl Scouts have to be such pushy evil monsters?
Shut your whore mouth is my favorite thing to say right now. Drives my husband crazy.
Since you're trying to be healthy are you going to watch Jamie Oliver's new tv show? (You know he filmed it in Huntington.)
I fall for the expiring food trick all the time. Damn those brownie mixes which don't even need to be cooked to be enjoyed.
I don't know, but my pantry is too sparse for me to write a letter to it about how much I hate it haha.
The Oreos on the shelf are what are taunting me... so I'll start over tomorrow. Right? Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? :)
Hope you are having a good week!
Blessings.
OMG. You made me drop my butterknife. "And it will expire quickly while I'm busy eating my weight in Ritz Peanut Butter Crackers.." I AM EATING RITZ AND SPREADING THE EVIL PB ON THEM RIGHT NOW. Well, crap. Now I can't, because I have to now acknowledge that this can't be aiding my weight loss. Thanks alot. :P
Now following btw :)
My solution is to just have a messy pantry. Then you can't find anything and it all expires before you can eat it.
Stopping by from SITS :)
I try really hard not to buy "bad for me" things but then I suddenly get a craving, run to the grocery store, and there goes that right out the window!
HolyCrackers Batman! That pantry is something Amanda! You need a pantry overhaul. I like to purge. I am flying out to Florida to purge your pantry for you. Look away...LOOK AWAY. I am coming with a box of garbage bags. Good god girl!
that Chips Deluxe is such a whore...
I can't keep ice cream at home anymore because it won't stop teasing me until I eat every last spoonful and gain 5lbs. I really have no choice at all.
Oh my goodness, I think I may have peed a little! Too funny!!! Stopped by from SITS and I have to follow! Have a fab day or shut your whore mouth - whatever!
It doesn't matter what's in the pantry. If I'm hungry even unlikely candidates become delicious snacks. Ever eat a handful of Bacos? I have.
My advice: Don't fight a losing battle. Eat that whore cookie. Then she's gone. You win.
Um, I kinda resent you right now. This post made me really hungry...and it's 10:30 p.m. :-(
Oh I love the Warm Delight, they are total whores. Stay strong friend!!
Um. You are HILARIOUS. That is all.
And I feel sorry for food too - cannot throw away food, I'd feel better saving it for 6 months in the fridge until it expires and/or rots
This reminds me of my husband - he told a box of Girl Scout cookies to "eat a d*#!" last week.
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